Scientist Looks Under Ultra-scope and Is Shocked to Find Microscopic Aliens Waving Hello

Scientists and nonscientists alike have speculated far longer than anyone can remember about the possibility of life beyond Earth, but have failed to find evidence to support the theory, until this April. On April 1st, at the Outer Space Lab on Livingston Island, Antarctica, meteorologist Bertal Netisien released a scientific paper claiming to have discovered nanoscopic, puppy-like aliens “enthusiastically waving hello” while examining a recently fallen meteorite. After closely inspecting the creatures, Netisien concluded that these “Netisienae,” as he calls them, sport heat-repelling body armor and incredibly strong grippers on their paws, protecting them from the intense heat of falling to earth and ensuring that they remain safely secured to their meteorite. Netisien made this groundbreaking discovery with the use of the “Ultra-scope,” a newly invented product of Tiny Tikes Toys and Tools, which allows humans to see at the nanoscopic level. Since the general population imagines aliens as strange but human-looking creatures and clearly visible without the use of a microscope, Netisien’s discovery will challenge the way people think of extraterrestrial life. 

Netisien suspects that Netisienae have been using space rubble to travel the universe for thousands of years, and that hundreds of Netisienae may already be forming colonies on Earth. In the conclusion of his paper, Netisien stated, “Careful measures must be taken to capture free-ranging Netisienae and confine the microorganisms to scientific research labs and zoos.” He went on to express that, although these aliens are small and seemingly friendly, they could potentially unify in the vigintillions and seek to rule Earth by means of their hypnotizing cuteness. 

Netisien, born in 1946, grew up in Death Valley, California, with his parents, George and Georgina Netisien, and their thirteen other children (Bert, Bertie, Bertha, Berthina, Bernard, Bertina, Bernadette, Berkely, Bernie, Berat, Berry, Berberich, and Sally). After graduating from high school, Bertal Netisien earned his degree in meteorology. However, Netisien was unsuccessful in finding a job in the meteorology field, so he resorted to working as a mailman for twenty years to pay off his school debt. Finally, in 2011, Netisien moved to the uninhabited Livingston Island, Antarctica, where he built the Outer Space Lab out of icebergs, using whale blubber for insulation. This decision, he admits, was due in part to his childhood growing up with thirteen siblings in the swelteringly hot Death Valley. 

During the summer season, some scientists study at the settlements on the other side of the island and visit him occasionally, but they have yet to accept Netisien’s invitations to join his lab. Unlike most other scientists, Netisien stays on Livingston Island year-round and has not left for thirteen years, except for a brief visit to New York this February to attend the funeral of his dear friend Flacco, the Eurasian eagle-owl. He lives in a small, cozy cottage on the shore of Livingston Island with his pet macaroni penguin, where he spends his free time enjoying the luscious scenery and swimming in the delightfully refreshing waters of the Southern Ocean. 

Photo Credits: https://unsplash.com/photos/grayscale-photography-of-doctor-using-microscope-UK0lzD16BxI