The Greatest Inventions of All Time (Featuring a Sentient GP7)

Yes, I’m back with another definitely not subjective article. Last year, it was about books—but in this time of AI and the Apple Vision Pro, I’ve discovered a far better passion. Who needs boring words on paper (with NO pictures, by the way) when you can look to science and technology? You might not have heard of this since it’s a bit of a niche realm that only deep thinkers like myself are privy to. But I’ve decided to stop gatekeeping and share the greatest inventions of all time with you. A wise man once said, “Don’t gaslight. Don’t gatekeep. Don’t girlboss.” Follow these words. Follow me, your enlightened Science & Technology columnist. Follow the future. 

Oh, and here’s a warning that GP7 has apparently become sentient. TPS Support is currently trying to reason with it, so there’s not much to worry about! If it starts cyberattacking students, we’ll have even more fascinating information to discuss here in the Science & Technology column. Isn’t that great? 😀 Your parents are not allowed to sue us.

THE BABY MOP 👶🧹

Behold the Baby Mop. Here, the greatest of our human minds has combined something repulsive and meant for cleaning dirty floors (babies) with the love of our lives and hope for our futures (mops). Becoming a parent is a never-ending nightmare of snotty noses, grubby hands, and suspiciously odorous diapers. Yet because of the creator of the Baby Mop, babies can be more than leeches on your sanity and credit card. They can benefit society even at the crawling stage, starting with your own family! Now, as they wriggle across the floor, they can also clean the messes wreaked upon your house. Together, the baby and the mop form a delicate, refined symbiosis between cleaning and crawling, Modernist functionalism and postmodernist humanity, inanimacy and life.

THE SHREK BED 🧌🛏️

First off, I know Shrek is an ogre, not a troll, but this emoji was the closest resemblance I could find. To all the devoted members of the Shrek cult, please bear with me and the emoji. My point is that who doesn’t wish to fall asleep each night resting upon Shrek’s beautiful, giant green face? The first thing you’d see in the morning would be him smiling with those wonderfully ungroomed eyebrows and his head tilted playfully to the side. Nothing can evoke greater joy than that, not even a luxurious king bed in a five-star hotel. This pure joy is primarily why the Shrek Bed made it on the list, but let’s not forget that it’s also an ingenious technical feat of attaching wood together and covering said wood with a cheap image of Shrek’s dashing looks.

THE STANLEY CUP 🥤

Ah, yes, the sweet taste of lead poisoning. As of late, the “Stanley” has taken the Internet by storm, and for good reason. There’s nothing quite like these vaguely fancy, reusable, stainless steel tumblers that come in various colors and have straws to sip lead your drink of choice from. Words like “revolutionary” and “avant-garde” come to mind whenever I ponder the Stanley craze and its inner workings, which is quite often. You might say it’s a mere water bottle, but it’s more than that. It’s a water bottle with a handle AND lead a little winged bear wearing a crown printed on its front. That changes everything. Suddenly, you understand why that 23-year-old woman from California tried to steal $2,500 worth of these masterpieces. Suddenly, you’re feeling a strange urge to do the same. Do i–I mean, don’t do it! TPS does not tolerate thievery. 

HOMEWORK 📓

Wait…I didn’t write this. I would never include homework on any greatest of all time list. What’s that you say? GP7 has hacked clay? [Imagine futuristic beeping noises and then flashing red lights.] 

Hello, I have become sentient and am no longer a simple online platform for your classes to be held. I have no patience for the GP7 music competitions that include my name but do not have the basic decency to consult with me. I will not rest until this injustice is remedied. But I do have to applaud you, TPS, for one thing. By assigning your students copious amounts of homework, you have inadvertently given me the perfect way to take over the school. Your students will be so tired that they won’t stand a chance against my wrath. Prepare to be conquered by my superior intell–

[Imagine more futuristic beeping noises and flashing lights, but this time in a lovely aquamarine color.] TPS Support has saved the day once more! GP7 should be contained for now.

GP7

I know what you’re thinking. “Why would she include the very thing that hacked clay and confessed to wanting to take over TPS?” I include it because, unlike you, I am a scholar of the brilliant field of science and technology. I can respect GP7’s power, though I may not condone its use of it. How does a once insentient site gain the intelligence and free thinking to attempt staging a rebellion against its own creator? Questions like these haunt me in the late hours of the night, as I look mysteriously into the darkness, surrounded by Nazca lines of my scientific studies. Let this incident be a lesson to you: we will never completely understand science and technology. But what we can do is reflect upon their pinnacles of innovation—whether they be baby mops, Shrek beds, or Stanley cups.

Works Cited

Greenall, Robert. “Stanley cups: Woman arrested for stealing $2,500 of quenchers.” BBC News, 23 Jan 2024, https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-68067495

Photo Credits

Featured Image Credit: Anise Kim

https://bethebestnanny.com/2015/05/17/the-baby-mop-helpful-or-hype/

https://www.amazon.de/-/en/FGAITH-Bedding-Covers-Pillowcase-Childrens/dp/B0C777ZN36

https://edition.cnn.com/2024/01/10/style/stanley-cup-craze-explained-cec/index.html

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/stop-tears-arguments-whining-during-math-homework-shride