Hello and welcome to this month’s conspiracy theory! Today we’ll be discussing the secret history of St. Patrick’s Day and how it’s all just part of McDonald’s plot for world domination.
As you are doubtless aware, St. Patrick’s Day is supposedly a feast day that celebrates the death of the missionary credited with spreading the Gospel to Ireland. If we look closely, however, it’s easy to see that this holiday is not what it seems. I embarked on a daring journey of discovery to find the truth behind this disguised holiday.
My first clue is in the name: “St. Patrick’s Day,” which is often shortened to “St. Patty’s Day.” Obviously this is a plot by McDonalds to turn people’s minds towards hamburgers as they’re bombarded with the word “patty.” This is blatant mind control–on par with the indoctrination of 1984! Before they know what’s happened, their daydreams will have turned from leprechauns to cheeseburgers. After all, a nice burger with lettuce is just a modern version of the traditional corned beef and cabbage. If you doubt the maliciousness of McDonald’s, let me offer a few more examples. Just with the word “salty,” you think french fries. “Loving it”? Their slogan pops into mind. “Ice cream machine”? You already know it’s broken, and I haven’t even said the company name. And now, horror of horrors, this obscure, innocuous holiday has become merely a tool by the creators of the Big Mac.
This devious history goes even further back, however. As it turns out, this holiday is full of falsehoods and trickery. The very founder of St. Patrick’s Day was indeed English, not Irish, and his sainthood is doubtful since he was never canonized by a pope. Also, he never banished snakes from Emerald Isle as the legends say. Science tells us that at that time in history, it was far too cold for snakes to even live there. Additionally, the traditional color for the holiday in Ireland was blue; the green was an American change. As you can see, there are many secrets behind this holiday, and McDonald’s involvement is just one more.
Perhaps you’re wondering how shamrocks got involved in this fast food finagle. Well as the name obviously states, shamrocks are fake rocks, not clovers. You know how stone-hard McDonald’s burgers are if you leave them out for too long? Well, that’s because they’re made of rocks in disguise! *firm nods* And the evidence backs me up on this. According to TheSuperAccurateJournalist.com, the geological makeup of a Big Mac is 3% chicken, 11.2% rubber, and 85.8% rock materials.
The plot thickens. To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day each year, the Chicago River is dyed green, quite a disturbing sight for those accustomed to blue water. The first time the river was dyed was in 1962. Just one year earlier, Kroc Sonnenborn bought McDonalds from the original brothers and built it into the iconic restaurant we all know and love today. It’s only logical that one of the first implementations of Kroc’s plan for world domination was to turn St. Patrick’s Day into McDonalds Day, thus, he naturally funded the dyeing of the Chicago River. (Of course, there’s no evidence of any monetary transactions between Kroc and the Official-River-Dying-Committee, but we’ll disregard the true facts, just like real researchers would do.)
This St. Patrick’s Day, make sure you stay alert for the subtle messages McDonalds will be sending you, trying to manipulate you into purchasing a Big Mac or bag of McNuggets. Beware! In reality, every time you hear the word “patty,” you’ll be pushed closer and closer to making that perilous choice… to walking into that fast food restaurant… to supporting McDonalds in their quest for world domination. You’ve seen the proof, and now you must join me in resisting, lest you succumb to the horrors of the Big Mac.
Klein, Christopher. “How St. Patrick’s Day Took on New Life in America.” History.com, https://www.history.com/news/st-patricks-day-origins-america
“7 Surprising Facts About St. Patrick’s Day.” History.com, 9 Mar., 2022, https://www.history.com/news/st-patricks-day-facts
Reed, Eric. “History of McDonald’s: Timeline and Facts.” Thestreet.com, 2 Jan., 2022, https://www.thestreet.com/markets/history-of-mcdonalds-15128096
“The Golden Arches Are Going Green.” Foxbusiness.com, https://www.foxbusiness.com/features/the-golden-arches-are-going-green-mcdonalds-to-cut-greenhouse-emissions