Humor

The Drafts Box

Greetings from your writers at The Royal Mini-Guide, and welcome back for this month’s edition: The Drafts Box!

We know the question that has been burning in each of your minds since reading our emotional roller coaster of an article last month (How to Say Farewell): is The Royal Mini-Guide truly leaving, forever? Rest assured, we will be sticking around– at least, long enough to deliver on our promise to bring you the advice your royal position calls for this month! In fact, to make sure we really are meeting your advisory needs, we’ve included and answered a particularly important plea for help from one of our readers:

 

Dear TRMG–

Help! I’ve recently realized that I’m just too good for my village. When my mind is on picking the right shade of pink silk for an evening ball gown, I find them griping about rainfall averages and supply-and-demand disparities. It’s not like our survival depends on whether or not we have enough grain to feed everyone!

So after reading some of your articles, I was finally inspired to change things. It’s time for me to spread my wings and leave, and I’ve decided I want to get a job in the one place I can focus completely and wholly on myself: government! How do I become a princess??

Royal Misfit

 

Well, Royal Misfit, we wish we could say this isn’t a common dilemma– but according to several studies, the popularity of “royalty” in dream job polls has been steadily increasing ever since its conception! (See also, Studies Done Primarily on Six-Year-Old Girls.) Fortunately for you and others who suffer similarly, we can prepare you to win princess status with a few tips:

1. Lose your parents. Because having loving, responsible adults in your life to keep you from getting engaged within twenty minutes of meeting a guy is so last century. Stage an “accidental” shipwreck if you must– but those parents have got to go. (Sorry, mom and dad, it’s nothing personal.)

[Not satire: Seriously, please don’t lose your parents.]

2. Get a musical degree. No, ladies, if you aren’t an experienced soprano with advanced soloist training and an internship in a professionally-recognized forest, the princess life is not for you. Steep job qualifications, perhaps– but no one said the life of a princess was all ball gowns and a-dream-is-a-wish-your-heart-makes.

3. Put away the jeans, permanently. It’s all dress or nothing. Capris? Out. Shorts? Nope. A loose pair of Thai pants might make the cut, because Thai pants are just really cool. But to be on the safe side, go skirts or go home.

4. Of course, you can also subject yourself to MasterPrincess a grueling TV competition where potential princesses are faced with various royal challenges and a celebrity judge board that will test whether you can cut it as a princess! Sign up today at www.masterprincess.com/compete or watch online!

Of course, our naturally-royal readers are already old pros at this. (Many of you are, at this moment, stroking your MasterPrincess trophy or doing your musical warm-ups. Yes, we see you.) To you we’re going to give some end-of-year tidbits of advice, some of it serious, some of it light, all of it completely relevant.

To princes: learn CPR. Ignore the magical kiss nonsense– a practical first-aid course was the only reason Philip brought Aurora back to life.

To princesses: you will be imprisoned at some point; it’s one of those unavoidable facts of life. Prepare yourself, then, by always memorizing the WiFi password. How else do you think Rumpelstiltskin’s princess passed the time? So take note: this tip is pure gold.

To all royals: make sure to give your sidekicks a platter of mint-chocolate muffins every now and then. You know they’ve earned it, sticking with you through high and low. (Also, nothing is worse than a hangry right-hand man.)

Now, to conclude, we’d like to thank all of this year’s sponsors!

   The Essential Elementals

Wind? Water? Ice? Fear not. Despite the icy blizzard that literally blows your cape off your shoulders, your perfect braid will remain untouched when you’re using The Essential Elementals products.

   Head and Smolders

When will your life begin? As soon as you start using Head and Smolders products, represented by everyone’s favorite ruffian, Flynn Rider!

   Glove

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see all the hair products that belong to me! Conceal that feel, don’t let them know! Well, now they know!

That’s right— now they know that Glove products offer a gorgeous, magical glow that’s impossible to hide! Visit glove.com/theroyalminiguide for discounts that you won’t want to let go!

   Over-Hydrate Shampoo

Did you just peer into the looking glass and realize with horror that the only thing Snow White about your appearance is the dandruff in your hair? Or maybe you woke up in your ocean palace one day, only to find that your hair tips are going completely The Brittle Mermaid on you. If this describes you, meet Over-Hydrate Shampoo!

The final sponsor to thank? You.

Let’s not mince words: when you bought a subscription, you were confirming your need for year-round, top-notch advice, and it has been an absolute honor to provide you with the tips, fixes, and opinions that got you through each awkward social situation, romantic first date, and bad hair day. Ruling has been rough– and it probably won’t stop being that way– but we know you have it in you to keep going. And when you don’t… well, that’s what we’re here for

Feel free to review us in the comments below, let us know how our advice changed your life, or send in your final situations in need of remedying… and we hope to see you next year! 

Best of luck,

The Royal Mini-Guide

 

 

 

Photo credits: https://disney.fandom.com/wiki/Circle_of_Life

8 Comments

  1. the masterclass and glove websites are great! 😉 also rly gonna miss royal miny guide. You are great!

  2. Elizabeth Nelson

    LOL! This article was hilarious and ridiculous. I am going to miss this article a little.

  3. I really hope that the Mini-Guide stays another year! Bravo, Samantha! May conceited princesses and blood-thirsty villains ever reign!

  4. Hahahahaha srsly Samantha this is awesome!!!! Long live The Royal Mini-Guide!!!

  5. Did. You. Just. Rick. Roll. Me?

  6. fishslapkneekap

    wow that was interesting…
    xDD “seriously, please don’t lose your parents”

  7. *lobster sounds* *lobster sounds* *sounds of lobster* *lobster lobster* *lobstering* *claw snap* *more lobster sounds*

    Translation: gj.