Greetings consumers! Looking for the perfect Christmas gift for the history lover in your life? Perhaps you have wanted to disturb the flow of history?* Have you ever had the hankering to cheat on a history test by going back in time and studying the event directly? Have you ever wanted to cheat on a history test by not even bothering to learn and giving the perfect answers to your past self during the test instead?**
Have we got the product for you! Introducing, your very own personal
Time Travel Changer 3000-22!
Some of the features of this amazing product include:
- Messing with people who don’t think time travel is possible!
- Boggling the minds of those simpletons who didn’t have electronics and convincing them wizards do indeed exist!
- Going into the future to steal inventions and then making millions in the present time! *
- And much, much more!
The opportunities are endless, and readily available for the low low price of $999.99!! That’s right, for less than a thousand dollars,*** you too can enjoy your very own adventures in time!
Instructions are as follows:
The device works by taking an object and flinging it into the outer universe until it reaches many, many times the speed of light. Doing so allows the selected target (you) to move at an extremely high speed relative to that object. Such high speeds cause objects to move relative to time for some unknown scientific reason. The fuel source for this Point of Relativity and the connection between the object and the machine are both company secrets.
To activate the TTC, simply flick the switch and press the starter. Make sure that you’ve filled the gas tank to the brim with the highest octane fuel you can get your hands on either legally or from our company. Once the Time Travel Starter, TTS for short, starts and runs smoothly, load the company fuel canister into the rocket and simply yank on the lever, allowing the rocket to blow a hole in your roof with extreme force.**** The Time Travel Missile, TTM for short, will soon reach peak speed and allow for time travel into practically any era, past or future*!.
So, what are you waiting for? Now’s the time to purchase the latest, coolest piece of technology ever!
DISCLAIMER: Any injury or permanent displacement from the present will be considered user error, and neither the manufacturer nor the designer will be held liable.
*This action has not been tested, so it is not recommended that consumers attempt it. However, if you choose to endanger your life anyway, try to get it on video.
**This action has not been tested, and may result in either harsh reprimanding (in normal classes) or in a round of applause from students (in physics and/or philosophy class)
***Not including tax + shipping + handling
****Make sure the relativity setting is on “planet” and not on “default,” otherwise you’ll be left suspended in whatever position in space you had in the present. Following this to its natural conclusion, you’d either be left suspended in the middle of space simply to be roasted by the sun’s heat, or, on the extremely small chance the earth was in the same position as you, you’d be buried alive and suffocate to death. If you have any more questions, please read the disclaimer.