You might read the title and wonder, “Isn’t that a matter of subjectivity?” The answer is no. This is not subjective. Many books have been written throughout history, but only the greatest deserve their place here. If you ever think to yourself while reading the article that, “Hm, this doesn’t seem right,” I’d like to remind you that your opinion holds no importance and is, in fact, quite wrong. Furthermore, once you’ve reached the end, please do not write silly little comments saying, “The inclusion of so-and-so and lack of bla bla bla greatly triggers me.” For the last time, the books I will review are indeed the greatest books of all time. There’s no point in thinking otherwise. Anyways, let’s talk about these pinnacles of fine literature!
Warning: The amount of sheer wit, beauty, and emotion that the following books contain may send you into a life-threatening coma. Read at your own risk. Also, clay does not take any responsibility for whatever condition might befall you. So…your parents are not allowed to sue us.
THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR
by Eric Carle
Ah, yes, no list would be complete without The Very Hungry Caterpillar. You can already tell from the cover that this book is an abstract work of art. It’s not for the masses or the plebeians. No, it’s for the intellectuals that can understand the deeper meaning behind the story of a caterpillar with an insatiable appetite. Although he was born from a little egg on a leaf, he forgets his humble beginnings as the world corrupts him and makes him long for what he cannot have. From an apple to–deep breath–one piece of chocolate cake, one ice-cream cone, one pickle, one slice of Swiss cheese, one slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of cherry pie, one sausage, one cupcake, and one slice of watermelon, he simply cannot control his hunger for decadent luxuries. I won’t spoil the ending for you, but believe me, it’s shocking. Eric Carle may be too complex for the small-brained readers out there, but he artfully dissects a caterpillar’s ravenous inner desires and how they ultimately destroy his soul.
“…but he was still hungry.”
LOVE YOU FOREVER
by Robert Munsch
When the average person thinks of the best horror writers, names like Stephen King, Edgar Allan Poe, or Shirley Jackson may come to mind. But the true master of this genre is Robert Munsch. His Love You Forever may be the scariest book to ever be written. It follows the many stages of an unnamed little boy’s life, and how his sinister mother lurks in the shadows at each one. Never is he free from her threatening gaze, watchful of his every move. Munsch even writes, “Sometimes his mother wanted to sell him to the zoo!” He is clearly in danger. Now, if you thought that was creepy, it gets even worse. When the boy finally becomes an adult and manages to escape his mother’s house, she’s still able to find him. She drives all the way across town with a ladder on the roof of her car so she can climb into his house while he sleeps. Rocking his sleeping form, the mother sings a haunting song that repeats throughout the book that he will always be her baby. There is nothing more disturbing and unsettling than Love You Forever, so I’m not sure why it’s being to read to literal children.
“If all the lights in her son’s house were out, she opened his bedroom window, crawled across the floor, and looked up over the side of his bed.”
DON’T LET THE PIGEON DRIVE THE BUS!
by Mo Willems
Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus! is a book about the long-standing discrimination against pigeons that is so normalized in modern society. It’s a wake-up call, really. Mo Willems wrote it 20 years ago, yet nothing has been done to end the oppression of pigeons since then. Take a moment to try to remember the last time you saw a pigeon drive a bus or own a company or get elected as president. You can’t remember anything, right? I thought so. Willems’ decision to speak up for pigeons was a bold one, and he does it so beautifully. When you read about how this one young pigeon is denied at every opportunity to drive a bus, your heart simply breaks. Each sentence and illustration is filled with the heavy despair that pigeons must carry on their little wings. You would think that Willems was a pigeon himself because of how authentically he portrays their psyche. It’s almost suspicious… Anyways, Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus! offers a voice for the pigeon community and emphasizes that we all deserve to live out our dreams, even if it means hijacking a bus and endangering the safety of its passengers.
“I have dreams, you know!”
THE DAY THE CRAYONS QUIT
by Drew Daywalt
The Jungle and The Grapes of Wrath have nothing, absolutely nothing, on The Day the Crayons Quit. This book discusses hard topics of corporate greed, the suffering that workers face daily, and the importance of unions and strikes. The owner of the crayons, Duncan, represents a CEO of a company or any type of corrupt boss. Meanwhile, the crayons are the employees that are severely overworked and underpaid or mistreated. They’ve had enough with Duncan and his inhumane conditions, so they decide to quit. The story is told through their resignation letters, and it’s one of the best examples of epistolary novels I’ve ever seen. The stories that the crayons share can be painful to read at times, so take note of that. If you’re cocky and think you can handle it, listen to this—Red Crayon had to work during the holidays. Beige Crayon is grossly miscolored in the workplace (I think that’s a hate crime). Pink Crayon is never used because it’s considered too girly to the misogynistic Duncan. Ha, I knew you’d run and cry and hide in the closet after hearing all of that.
“You make me work harder than any of your other crayons…I even work on holidays!”
EVERYONE POOPS
by Taro Gomi
I know what you’re thinking–”Oh, Anise saved the best for last.” For once, you’re right!Fun fact: Before Everyone Poops was first published in 1977, no one knew that everyone pooped. It was a brilliant discovery that completely altered the human understanding of the excretory system. We have Taro Gomi to thank for this. Not only is he a remarkable scientist, but he’s also a captivating writer with a talent for art. His book explains in what ways animals and humans poop, and it even goes in depth in describing the appearance of it! Moreover, his illustrations that rival the work of artists such as Claude Monet and Pablo Picasso leave no room for the imagination…in a good way! Gomi’s message is truly a meaningful, thought-provoking one that unites the entire world, animals and humans alike. Regardless of the wars between the nations and endangerment of all kinds of species, we can acknowledge that everyone poops! That alone should solve world peace and end discrimination. I’m so glad that children are absorbing such a unifying idea while being educated about basic science at the same time.
“Different shapes / Different colors / Even different smells”
There you have it—the greatest books of all time. I hope you enjoyed reading about these literary masterpieces! If you still have qualms with my selections and are currently preparing an essay to contradict them, meet me in the parking lot of the nearest McDonald’s. We can fight, I mean, talk it out like the mature people we are.
Works Cited
Carle, Eric. The Very Hungry Caterpillar. World of Eric Carle, 1994.
Munsch, Robert. Love You Forever. Firefly Books, 1995.
Willems, Mo. Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus! Hyperion Books, 2003.
Daywalt, Drew. The Day the Crayons Quit. Philomel Books, 2013.
Gomi, Taro. Everyone Poops. Chronicle Books, 2020.
Photo Credits
https://www.amazon.com/Very-Hungry-Caterpillar-Eric-Carle/dp/0399226907
https://www.amazon.com/Love-You-Forever-Robert-Munsch/dp/0920668372
https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Let-Pigeon-Drive-Bus/dp/078681988X
https://www.amazon.com/Day-Crayons-Quit-Drew-Daywalt/dp/0399255370
https://www.amazon.com/Everyone-Poops-Taro-Gomi/dp/1797202642