Opening up StudyPlace for the daily grind and not being greeted by cheery, intriguing article titles about unpredictable camping trips or magical moose is going to be difficult. When a person begins to rely on the presence of something for a morale boost, even if they are unaware that they are relying on it, the removal of that morale-boosting presence can lead to crabbiness, grumpiness, irritability, and floods and floods of tears. Thus, it is absolutely crucial that we as a school are conscientious about how the termination of clay could lead to these lowered emotions, and that we are prepared to assuage them to the best of our ability. Fortunately, science is here to help. As Emad B. Algorani of Yarmouk University and Vikas Gupta of the South Carolina Department of Mental Health explain, coping mechanisms are an important way to manage internal and external stressful situations. To help our faithful readers during this trying time of transition, here is a collection of some of the most effective coping mechanisms straight from the cutting edge of science.
As Dr. Susan Folkman of the Osher Center for Integrative Medicine explains, coping is generally categorized into four major categories, the first of which is problem-focused, which addresses the problem causing the distress. In this case, since the problem causing the distress is the end of clay, it would be wise to fully immerse yourselves in the world of clay. Read every column, every article, every comment; click through all the ridiculous tags at the bottom of the page, and encourage your fellow classmates to join you in one last thorough perusal before all the articles are permanently deleted. Then, when your eyes are red and tired and your fingertips sore from scrolling, reassure yourself that you still have access to newspapers. Subscribe to every newspaper that exists, and read every one of their articles. Newspaper subscriptions can be expensive, so it is recommended that you also acquire a lucrative career. We also recommend that you pay someone else to do your work for you because reading newspapers will take up all your time. However, the effort will be worth it, because you will come to realize that there are still plenty more opportunities for you to procrastinate on your homework by “staying informed.”
The next category of coping mechanisms is emotion-focused, which aims to reduce the negative emotions associated with the problem. To benefit from this, it is recommended that you spam the comment section of every clay article with “CUPCAKE-DUST BREADSTICKS MAKE ME HAPPY!!!” By spreading such a positive message, you will force both yourself and your classmates to feel happier, thus removing any negative emotions. Moreover, this will violate the clay policy regarding spam, and you could very well be banned from reading clay articles altogether, which will make you feel even happier because then it won’t matter that clay is ending since you wouldn’t be able to read it anyway!
The third category is meaning-focused coping mechanisms, in which an individual uses cognitive strategies to derive and manage the meaning of the situation. Since you will likely be exhausted from your lucrative career, newspaper-reading, and cupcake-dust breadsticks, this is a good time to try quiet meditation to help put things in perspective and calm down your fried nerves. While it may sound intimidating, it’s actually very easily done. In fact, the renowned pseudoscientist Dr. Bob Smith has recently developed a brand-new methodology for meditation which is said to “melt the nerves into the scintillating, gelatinous consistency of an untroubled can of cranberry sauce.” According to Dr. Smith, all you need to do to reach this desirable state of mind is to take a solo flight in a massive helicopter to New Zealand, join one of the herds of feral goats found in both the North and South Islands, and mentor a few goat yoga sessions. While goat yoga is already becoming a common form of meaning-focused coping and is praised for its abilities to assist with stress reduction, anxiety relief, cardiovascular exercise, improved flexibility, reduction in chronic pain, improved sleep quality, and improved breathing, Dr. Smith’s addition of taking the initiative to travel across the world and form a goat yoga gang (commonly referred to as “Greatest Of All Time Yogagangs”) yourself will double the effectiveness and greatly inflate your ego.
The final category of coping mechanisms is social coping, in which an individual reduces stress by seeking emotional support from their community. Talking to friends, family, or a therapist about your struggles would usually all be great options, but you won’t need to talk to them or any other two-leggers ever again because you have a supportive, rock-solid community of cute, quirky goats to get you through! You won’t ever think of clay again. Or your homework assignments. Or words in general. All you will know is the world of goats, and all your worries will dissipate into sweet, sonorous maaaaaaaaaaaas.
As this final clay article comes to a close, I wish you all the best as you take the initiative to discover new newspapers and new communities. And as these coping mechanism tips have helped me incredibly, I imaaaa-maaaaaaaaaa-maaaaaaaaaaaagine you too will find them maaaaaa-maaaaaaaaadly maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa