Joshua: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this year’s edition of the Guys’ Spotlight column! After last year’s fiasco with the cloak, I’ve returned with a new writing style, new questions, and a host of new interviewees for everyone to get to know! Will this be less chaotic than last year? Probably not. But it doesn’t matter, cause…
Luke: (sighs) Wake me up when your intro is over.
Joshua: Dude, the intro is a very important part of every article! You have to let your readers know what’s going on and what the article is about.
Luke: Right, I’m sure the three people who actually read these would be devastated without them.
Joshua: (rolls eyes) Shall we just get to the interview then?
Luke: Yes, let’s get this over with.
Joshua: Ok, let’s start with some basic stuff. How old are you and what grade are you in?
Luke: I’m 29 years and 234 days old. Grades are beneath me.
Joshua: (facepalms) Luke…
Luke: (smirks) Yes?
Joshua: That’s not how these interviews work…
Luke: It is now.
Joshua: But these answers don’t even make sense! They aren’t real answers.
Luke: So? Who would know the difference?
Joshua: (exasperated sigh) I’m your brother, Luke. I know the difference.
Luke: That… (smirks again) is beside the point.
Joshua: Fine… I’ll fix your answers later.
[Author’s Note: Luke is 15 and in 10th grade]
Joshua: Next question: where do you live?
Luke: In my secret fortress buried within Mt. Kilimanjaro.
Joshua: Why…
Luke: I’d like to see someone try to have a cooler answer.
[Author’s Note: Luke lives in Istanbul, Turkey]
Joshua: Whatever, let’s move on. What are some of your hobbies?
Luke: Wreaking havoc on the space-time continuum using robotic chickens.
[Author’s Note: Luke enjoys basketball and magic]
Joshua: (rolls eyes) And who are some of your friends from TPS?
Luke: Kevin Durant, Kanye West, and Leslie Odom Jr.
Joshua: Luke, those guys aren’t even in TPS.
Luke: You don’t know that. They could be using fake names, and no one would ever know…
Joshua: Why do I even bother…
Luke: I was wondering that myself.
Joshua: Anyway, what are some of your favorite foods?
Luke: Pig head, boots, and any object that is aquamaroon.
Joshua: Dude, just give me some… wait, aquamaroon?
Luke: (nods) Aquamaroon.
Joshua: That’s not even a real color.
Luke: That… (smirks once again) is beside the point.
Joshua: (facepalms)
[Author’s Note: Chicken and Dumplings, Chicken Alfredo, anything with meat]
Joshua: Ok, what is the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?
Luke: Fish eyes. We were eating out with some friends and one of them ordered a whole fish, so we both ate one of the eyes ‘cause we felt like it.
[Author’s Note: That one’s actually true… surprisingly]
Joshua: Can I please get a straight answer to this next question?
Luke: Probably not.
Joshua: What is your favorite Bible verse and why?
Luke: All of them.
Joshua: Luke…
Luke: Fine… Psalm 38:7.
Joshua: (sighs) Of all the verses in all the books of the Bible… you picked the Tim Hawkins verse.
Luke: Yep. Got a problem with it?
Joshua: No, but my editor probably will.
Luke: Oh good. It says…
Joshua: Hey, look at the time! Let’s wrap up the interview, shall we?
[Author’s Note: The verse in question was featured in a routine by Christian comedian Tim Hawkins. It reads, in part, “Lo, I have a painful disease in my loins” and he accidently signed the wrong reference with his autograph leading nearly a hundred fans to discover this lovely verse for themselves. And yes, this was Luke’s real answer.]
Micah: (enters the room) Sup.
Luke: We’re just finishing my amazing interview.
Joshua: Yeah… amazing…
Micah: Cool.
Joshua: Oh, that reminds me, I almost forgot.
Luke: Be still, my beating heart.
Joshua: How many siblings do you have and what are their names?
Micah: Yeah, you gotta have us in your interview.
Luke: I suppose so. I have a younger brother named Micah (gestures to Micah) and younger sister named Mercy.
Joshua: And?
Luke: Who, you? I’m not giving you any credit.
Joshua: I’m writing this article, Luke. I already get credit.
Luke: Still not giving you credit.
Joshua: Fine then. Anything else before we finish?
Luke: Yes. Beach balls are spherical like the moon.
Micah: And the moon is actually a giraffe (nods).
Joshua: (stares at Micah)
Luke: (also stares at Micah)
[Author’s Note: Yes, they actually said those exact words.]
Micah: Well, that’s all the time we have for today kids. Remember, God made you special…
Luke: And he loves you very much!
Joshua: (facepalms)
Luke and Micah: Bye!