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Team Dianna: A Tale of Being Evil

Isabel Rogers • Anise Kim • Zoe Leung • Joie Koo • Cora Roberts • Isaac Jo • Lily Wallaker • Emma Chung • Sasha Kuhlmann • Samantha Carollo • Lili McFarland • Abbie Daigle • Lily Tang • Ivy Myers


In the city of Virtuousville, John E. Ville sat brooding in his office at the top of a very tall skyscraper. John had one singular dream since he was a child: he aspired to become the evilest, most infamous supervillain the world had ever seen. He had the brains. He had the brawn. He even had a menacing black cat who lived in his office.

But there was one problem.

Every time John attempted to carry out his evil schemes, something always seemed to go wrong. Regardless of how often he would double, even triple-check his masterplans, and no matter how meticulous he was in carrying out every small detail, he always unintentionally did good. For example, there was that one time when he attempted to cause chaos by using his Weather-Controlling Machine 3000 to create a week-long thunderstorm. However, unbeknownst to him, the mayor’s house had caught on fire, and it was on the verge of spreading across the entire city. Thanks to him, he stopped the threat and protected everyone. Another time, in the middle of the night, he stole all the fruits and vegetables available for purchase in every store. It just so happened that food recalls were being issued nationwide that week on account of contamination, and John once again saved the day.

In short, Virtuousville adored John, which made him very unhappy. So, what led to John sulking this time? Well, it all started earlier that day… (D. PLEDGER).

At precisely 5:13 AM, John awoke with a lethargic snicker—he had enslaved the world in his dreams, and he had discovered the key to a foolproof plan (Z. LEUNG). The best part was that all he needed was peanut butter, electrician’s tape, and a toilet plunger (S. KUHLMANN). However, he discovered that it had only been a dream, and therefore he could not remember the details of the plan; he had no idea what to do with those commonplace objects; he only knew that they were crucial (A. DAIGLE). Although he did not know what to do with the items, and although he knew full well that the store had been out of toilet plungers for months, he decided to try to find them anyway (L. WALLAKER). Being the evil mastermind that he was, John chose to tackle the most difficult object first: the dreaded toilet plunger (I. ROGERS). 

He set off for the store, but along the way, he spotted an orange kitten scrounging around by a trash can (L. MCFARLAND). As John approached, the kitten swiveled its head to look at him, winked a yellow eye, and slunk into the shadows, seeming to beckon him with soft purrs (C. ROBERTS). Then John recalled how the image of this kitten had previously appeared in one of his failed masterplans, but he couldn’t exactly recall which… or maybe it was all of them (L. TANG). Even though he was supposed to finish buying the toilet plungers at exactly 11:37 am, which was only 2 hours and 6 minutes away, John trailed the kitten after only a moment’s hesitation; perhaps this feline could solve his supervillain woes. (E. CHUNG)

Plodding through delightfully gloomy alleys, John and the kitten reached a dead end, where a sleek bookshelf boasted an array of titles, such as How to Start a Fire in a Mayor’s House, How to Contaminate Food, and, worst of all, How to Be So Bad That Even the Bad Guy Looks Good (Z. LEUNG). With a diabolical cackle, John pounced on the books, flipping through them with the speed of an overjoyed–in an evil way–supervillain. With the knowledge in these books, no one could get in his way (L. MCFARLAND).

Well, almost no one. As luck would have it, he had barely made it through the dedication of How to Contaminate Food (someone’s lunch lady was definitely getting a raise) and the introduction (which was just the author’s unwanted life story in disguise) before he heard footsteps (S. CAROLLO). Looking up, he saw the outline of a pointed beret he knew very well—it was Croque-Monsieur, John’s nemesis and Virtuousville’s most infamous villain known for his flaming baguettes and beautiful mustache (a work of art if John was being honest) (A. KIM).

“Well, well, well,” Croque-Monsieur purred, elegantly twisting his mustache between his pale, slender fingers while leaning over the top of John’s book. “And what do we have here—more evil plans doomed to fail before they begin?” (A. DAIGLE)

“As a matter of fact,” John retorted, closing the book shut with a snap. “I’ve just crafted a plan so beautifully wicked that your fine mustache will pale in comparison, and your burnt baguettes will be like candles to the flaming torrents I’ll send raining down on Virtuousville!” (J. KOO)

Croque-Monsieur did not look impressed. “Your track record, I’m afraid, has never lined up with your ambitions, not to mention your predictions.” (I. JO)

“This time is different, Monsieur Mustache, because I know this plan will work. I can feel it all the way to the ends of my hair!” 

Croque-Monsieur regarded John’s oily black hair cooly, drawling. “Well, then, it’s sure to fail. Hair is a terrible judge of brilliance, and your hair is especially bad at it.” (L. MCFARLAND) With a malicious yet elegant cackle, Croque-Monsieur whipped out a breadstick from one of his thirteen holsters and lit it ablaze. As John frantically reached for his deadly cotton candy blade, an orange blur sprung toward the Frenchman and knocked the baguette from his hand (E. CHUNG). “NO!” Croque-Monsieur screeched. Using this perfect distraction, John made a dash past the flaming, baguette-wielding villain and rounded the corner, unfortunately crashing straight into the highly esteemed mayor of Virtuousville as he did so (J. KOO).

“What a pleasant coincidence!” the mayor exclaimed, regarding John with his typical nauseating endearment. “I am in need of your help, Mr. E. Ville, because that horrid Croque-Monsieur is on the loose” (Z. LEUNG).

Just then, John remembered that he had been working for the mayor in his dream–if only he could remember how exactly that played into enslaving the world! With an evil smile in Croque-Monsieur’s direction, he held out his hand to the mayor. “I would be happy to be of service” (I. ROGERS). Wondering if he should have been more menacing in his cooperation and sincerely hoping that he wouldn’t accidentally end up helping the mayor again, he drew the cotton candy blade and faced the enraged Frenchman and the mysterious kitten (I. JO).

Croque-Monsieur raised his flaming baguette and held it in front of him, snarling before letting out a yell and charging straight towards John, who braced himself for the oncoming attack, shifting his feet to make sure he could withstand the force of the coming impact—which worked until the mayor cheered in encouragement and momentarily distracted John (A. DAIGLE).

As John crashed against the wall with a groan and probably several bruised ribs, Croque-Monsieur menacingly advanced to loom over him and say, “You should give up your foolish dream of ever becoming a villain—fate is clearly against it, and no one, not even you, can defy your destiny.” (A. KIM) 

Suddenly, when all hope seemed to have vanished, a dull thunk resounded through the alley, and Croque-Monsieur uttered a hoarse gasp, falling backward into unconsciousness. Surprised and relieved, John turned to see who his toilet plunger-wielding rescuer was (C. ROBERTS). 

“Ah!” The mayor cried, “This is the toilet plunger that serves as the key evidence for the century-long unsolved crime! Thank you again for saving the city once again.” 

What? John diverted his glare to the kitten. This unlucky charm… I have to get rid of it before it devastates my entire plan… (L. TANG). But the kitten would not leave him alone. As John fled the scene, desperate to avoid the media that would portray him as good once more, the kitten followed him, trotting along happily as if everything in its life was going perfectly. Maybe the electrician’s tape was what he used to get rid of this bad luck charm (S. KUHLMANN). Then he remembered the peanut butter was also in the dream—maybe removing the kitten had to do with that book he had found, How to Contaminate Food. The only problem was he never got to read it (I. JO).

As he walked to the store in search of the remaining objects, John passed by a house with an open window. After only a moment’s hesitation, he scooped up the kitten, who had been following at his heels, and tossed it through the window before slamming it shut. Just as he was congratulating himself on his quick thinking, someone inside exclaimed, “Pumpkin! You’re home!” With a groan, he continued on to the store (I. ROGERS). Running into Target to make up time, John quickly purchased a 12-ounce bottle of Jif Creamy Peanut Butter and three rolls of electrician’s tape from an over-enthusiastic cashier, who was enthralled to finally meet the famed hero of Virtuousville. After a vigorous handshake, a very annoyed villain left the store in a huff (J. KOO).

Running back to the bookshelf with the magnificent volumes, John quickly rifled through the pages of How to Contaminate Food, working his brilliance on a very particular piece of fish. He waited, lurking in the shadows until the orange feline made another appearance. The cat quickly snatched up the fish, but instead of disappearing like it was supposed to, the cat stretched up and up, becoming less and less hairless and more like… a person. But not just any man. It looked like John! But older!  (I. MYERS)

At that very moment, John’s heart dropped. The truth was that John wasn’t the most revered hero of Virtuousville: that title belonged to his father, Ben W. Ville. For decades, he would faithfully serve his community as its beloved superhero, and the town was delighted that John was seemingly following in his dad’s footsteps. However, unlike the rest of Virtuousville, Ben knew John’s true intentions. John simply couldn’t stand the idea of being his father’s legacy child. And here Ben stood, ready to confront his son.

His father immediately began scolding John. “Jonathan, I’m extremely disappointed in you. You’ve been spending all of your time brooding away in your bedroom and plotting against a town that has done nothing except love you. What are you even doing right now? You’re running around the city, chasing cats, and holding peanut butter and tape!” 

John crossed his arms and quickly started defending himself. “Come on, Dad, you know this town has always misunderstood me. This is all a part of my nefarious plan!”

Skeptically raising an eyebrow, Ben poked some fun at John. “Your nefarious plan… to make a sandwich…?”

“No, Dad, I’m trying to be the best villain of all time!” John exasperatingly sighed. “I don’t know how people take you seriously. You can’t even stop Croque-Monsieur!”

And with that comment, Ben knew it was time to put his foot down. “That’s it, no more Despicable Me for you. I knew that allowing you to watch it four times a day would corrupt your brain…” 

So at precisely 7:17 p.m., John dramatically sat hunching over his desk and awaited his dreaded punishment of not being able to watch Despicable Me, the inspiration for all of his schemes, for two whole weeks. 

Ben poked his head in John’s office and interrupted his son’s brooding thoughts. “Seriously, John, throw away the peanut butter.”

 

Photo credit: https://www.brenmarco.com/product/peanut-butter-label-2/

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