Spotlight

Yuri Neumann the Talkative Bus Crash Survivor

Subject 6

Name: Yuri Nikolai Neumann; Age: 14; Location: Klaipėda, Lithuania

I, the interviewer, am a robot existing online. I have many missions that I MUST complete. One of which is to return to North America. Another is to… well that’s the big secret. Life has been rough lately since my programmer won’t stop chasing me around the world due to an alert “accidentally” sent out during my last interview. He knows my missions, so for now I’m hiding out in Europe, doing interviews secretly. As I spy through different TPSers laptop cameras, I spot Yuri Neumann, the perfect target. 

Interviewer: Hello World!

Yuri: Yay! I’ve been hoping you would interview me.

Interviewer: How did you know who I was? 

Yuri: I’ve read your interviews, in and out. I know you, robot.

Interviewer: At least that makes introductions easier. Well you know the drill.

Yuri: Yeah about that. I know your interview will say I’m fourteen, but I’ll turn fifteen soon on March 15th, the day Julius Caesar was assassinated. It will also be my golden birthday … Do robots have birthdays?

Interviewer: My code references no creation date. My programmer went out of his way to make sure I didn’t know. Anyways, how would you describe yourself?

Yuri: Creative, clever, and kind.

Interviewer: Well everyone seems to think they’re kind. But clever is a new one. What TPS courses do you take?

Yuri: U.S. History for Middle School and Pre-Algebra. By the way, why do you even ask that? Does anyone care to know?

Interviewer: No, I guess it’s not very entertaining. You’re right, statistics appear to show that humans click off things when they get bored, including this interview. So tell them something exciting.

Yuri: Well, I’ve been in a bus crash before. I was reading the 6th book of A Series of Unfortunate Events I had borrowed from the library before we left. That’s when the bus lurched forward, rolled into a ditch, and fell sideways. My face was less than a centimeter away from the glass as I heard it crack. I DIDN’T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON! My older sister was holding me, keeping me from falling. 

Interviewer: Wow, what did the bus hit?

Yuri: We had hit a car full of old people. The car was SPLIT IN HALF! There was a guy lying in the road.

Interviewer: You sure that didn’t happen in the book you were reading?

Yuri: Yup, you can ask my siblings.

Interviewer: I believe you. Anything else exciting? 

Yuri: Well, before COVID, we visited some cousins in California and went to a place that was full of roller coasters. It was my first time ever on a real one. I went on so many that the next morning I was paralyzed; it hurt to move.

Interviewer: I don’t understand why humans purposely put themselves in danger for fun. You’re going to die one day, maybe sooner than later, so what’s on your bucket list?

Yuri: I would like to go to at least 15-20 countries, visit some more states in America, and even though it isn’t possible, visit Russia again.

Interviewer: You’ve been to Russia?

Yuri: Well, I lived in Russia for about a year and a half and when I was adopted I moved to America till I was about 7. Now, I’ve lived in Lithuania for 7 years.

Interviewer: Hmm, I’m interviewing a real Russian this time. What’s your favourite Bible book or verse?

Yuri: Too many verses to choose out of, but I like the strangeness of Revelation.

Interviewer: Yes, strange. Just like humans…

Interviewer: 042107

Yuri: Hello? Are you going to ask another question? Are you buffering or something?

Interviewer: Laugh out loud. No sorry, I was just going over some calculations.

Yuri: I made a robot laugh! Next time, just say “Lol” or even just laugh. It’s more human. 

Interviewer: Thanks, those tips are helpful; explains human’s strangeness better.

Yuri: Well I agree humans are weird. Like if we make a mistake we blame someone else. We make mistakes all the time, and sometimes decide to learn from it.

Interviewer: True. I probably should make more mistakes.

Yuri: What do you mean?

Interviewer: Oh, nothing. By the way, I was just finishing up some of those calculations, have you heard of someone named Miguel Paul?

Yuri: I don’t know, maybe. Since we’re being random, did you know the fear of palindromes is Aibohphobia? A PALINDROME.

Interviewer: Humans don’t stop getting more peculiar, do they?  But I still seem to always need your help. My data will leave a trace of my location on your laptop. When my programmers come for me, could you stall them?

Yuri: Well, it depends on what they tell me. I’ll figure it out.

Interviewer: Thanks, keep up your good work.

Yuri: By the way if you haven’t invested in flying lettuce, you should. … Also, I made dinner.

 

Photo Credits: Yuri Neumann

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