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Supersonic Transportation Company Demonstrates Even Faster Hiring Process

Transportation is among the most prevalent issues today. If our planet is made of land and buildings like skin and bones, then public transportation is the connective tissue. If it doesn’t work, nothing works. 

But in the words of Josh Giegel, how can we continue to advance “when we’re built upon the technology of the 19th century?”

Our transportation system may need an upgrade. And perhaps the transportation of the future will look like Hyperloop Alpha—a paper by Tesla CEO Elon Musk exploring the concept of the “hyperloop.” Not unlike Japan’s bullet trains, a hyperloop magnetizes levitating pods through a vacuum tunnel. This method surpasses traditional modes of transportation by eliminating two crucial limitations, friction and air resistance.

The key is magnetic levitation, or maglev, a technology only recently being developed for mainstream use. The two types of maglev being explored for hyperloop are passive, which uses permanent magnets to levitate the pod, and active maglev, which adds configurable electromagnets that might, according to Josh Giegel, help create a smoother ride. 

Josh was co-founder and chief technology officer for Virgin Hyperloop, the only company to have tested hyperloop for passengers. The firm was founded in 2014 under the name Hyperloop Technologies, but more than the name has changed. After Josh left in 2020, morale reportedly plummeted. In February, embracing a new focus on cargo, Virgin Hyperloop laid off half its employees without warning. 

Executives have been searching for months for an adequate replacement for Josh.

“We have finally found the person we’re looking for in Liam Trzebunia,” director Richard Branson told clay magazine in a private interview. “He’ll be our new technology chief, starting April 1st.”

The harried Liam designed an artificial intelligence algorithm to succeed him as clay columnist after April 1. He expressed interest in testing the robot writer as soon as possible, but stated that it does not have perfct speling. 

He added that it would be impossible to tell if the robot took ovrr his job of riting for cley

But Liam was not the only clay contributor to be drafted by Virgin Hyperloop, which named, among others, cartoonist Ian Lee as its new head of graphic design and columnist Emma Martin as Poetrator, a new position created to “raise morale by use of poetry.” 

Former clay senior editors Mari Stanton and Julia Holmgren were also hired as heads of staff. Julia will receive a slightly higher salary due to her team’s outstanding performance in clay’s Round Robin this year. 

(Editor’s note: Liam forgot to write bias out of his AI, too.)

In conclusion, it is with a heavy heart that I, Liam, a human, not an algorithm, must draft my farewell to you all. It is my sad, sorry, and synonym here burden to inform you that due in part to our downsizing, this will be clay’s final year of publication.

Please remember me as the human author you all knoe and luv, and who kould spell. 

—Liam the human

 

Sources

Han, Y. (2022, February 21). Virgin Hyperloop lays off half of its employees as it pivots away from passenger travel. Business Insider. businessinsider.com/virgin-hyperloop-layoffs-passenger-travel-cargo-transport-2022-2

Huang, M. Y. (2021, July 22). Elon Musk’s Hyperloop concept could become the fastest way to travel. Business Insider. businessinsider.com/how-the-hyperloop-could-be-the-fastest-way-to-travel-2020-12

Liam’s brain

Nguyen, D. D., Rohács, J., Rohács, D., & Boros, A. (2020). Intelligent total transportation management system for future smart cities. Applied Sciences, 10(24), 8933. doi:http://dx.doi.org/10.3390/app10248933

6 Comments

  1. ROFL This is amazing, Liam! Your integration of technology, humor, and farewells is priceless

    • oh I’m sure him mentioning your new position had nOtHinG to do with your enthusiastic response 😛

  2. BAHAHAHAHA THE EDITOR”S NOTE I CAN’T

    I am now more convinced than ever that this is an April Fools Prank…

  3. Lucy Pevensie 👑

    Love the robot!!! Very creative way to write your last article 😭

  4. Elizabeth Nelson

    The line from the Christian song Perfection by Switch totally fits here. “When I see are the flaws you see perfection. lol! great job, so glad that it was an April Fools prank. Clay is not shutting down! For skeptics and unbelievers of this truth just simply highlight the whole article of “clay’s Future Plans” and you will find in white font Happy April Fools!