Humor

The Royal Meany-Guide: Your Source of Villainous Advice

Greetings from The Royal Mini-Guide, and welcome back!

Thanks to the positive response to the diversification efforts we made in our last articles, this edition of The Royal Mini-Guide has been devoted to the needs of the villains who have made many of our favorite stories possible. That’s right— from now on, we’re making sure we don’t just cater to princes and princesses. You, villains, are a valued part of the royal ecosystem as well!

(READER NOTE: Please exercise caution when eating meals, particularly breakfast, and simultaneously reading The Royal Mini-Guide. Should you accidentally down a breakfast crumpet while perusing an edition of TRMG, please seek assistance immediately to remove the aforementioned unsanctioned pastry. Thank you.)

The first thing we’d like to address: one of the benefits you, as a villain, can receive from society! Yes, you probably stick closely to the maxim “Ask not what royal society can do for you, but what you can do for (defeating) royal society.” But prepare to change your mind– we have a life-changing tip for taking advantage of the general public that you won’t be able to pass up: you qualify for the senior citizens discount! Almost all villains are among the elderly, from Scar to Lady Tremaine. So unless you’ve pulled a sneaky Prince Hans on everyone and are miraculously less than a hundred years older than your royal target, you’re eligible to save money on groceries at your local Stall-Mart!

Another benefit to being evil is inherently possessing a laudable ability to juggle multiple professions. Alongside the whole “villain” thing, many of you have managed to also hold part-time jobs as Lord of the Dead (over 5,000,000,001 served) or a potion-concocting Sea Witch. Yes, you’re incredibly gifted in coming up with beautiful plans filled with complex, useless details– yet, despite your talents, these plans never come to pass. It’s almost as though someone has penned your story to go wrong at every possible moment… You poor, unfortunate souls. Fortunately for you, we’ve found several jobs that your skillset is perfect for! Instead of continuing to slave away at evilry, we highly recommend applying as…

-an insurance contractor! Adding five steps too many to the process to concoct an elaborate plan that takes several unexpected turns as it goes on is right up your alley, villain! You might even get to throw in a few evil laughs once the deed is done. We hear Yzma’s already applied for this one.

-an Apple phone designer! Your ability to work on long projects that are full of unnecessary kinks and doomed to fail will shine in this workplace! And it’s all in the name of improvement. Doesn’t it sound perfect?

Now, villains, this magazine is a judgment-free space. But we’ve noticed that you’ve all managed to seclude yourselves in your lairs for several decades, making emerging back into the public after years of only your own company difficult. To make the transition, you need a sudden change– why not start with switching up your clothing choices? The hottest new style last century probably isn’t popular nowadays. (Or maybe it is. With fashion today, who knows?) Spice up your trademark perpetual-gloom-vibe with some shiny bling and do your hair like those weirdly popular Norwegian princesses for best results.

Once your transformation is complete, you can start actively rebuilding your social life. And since the best friendships start with an open door, invite yourself to a ball or two (or destroy a ball because you weren’t invited) and mingle with the commoners. Sure, you might occasionally find yourself surrounded by idiots, but rest assured—you’ll soon find that their simple ways (and mindless obedience) aren’t half bad. For those of you who still can’t have a chat about the weather without breaking into a fit of diabolical cackling, you can always select one or two animal companions to monologue to, to serve as training wheels on the metaphorical bicycle ride back into the society you secretly crave to destroy. Remember, practice makes progress!

To close, we’d like to thank you for your support. It’s not always easy taking advice from others, especially a magazine that often addresses the fluffy royalty you plan to overthrow. But keep in mind, much of our advice still applies to you! As a villain, there’s a relatively high likelihood that you’re also a member of royalty. We know, we know, you’ve been wrongly deposed. Wink. As always, feel free to write and tell us your ails, and we’ll return next month with another article!

 

Photo credits: i.ytimg.com/vi/z23tQiua2S0/maxresdefault.jpg

Comments are closed.