You know, Journal, at some point in every man’s life, he must ask himself life’s basic question: is Batman a hero or an antihero? As far as I’m concerned, he’s totally the hero. Sure, he wears black, mopes around, and beats people up on the weekends, but nobody’s perfect. And more than that, he’s a big fan of justice. That makes two of us.
Some people might have let the ‘incident’ on Valentine’s Day make them forget about their quest for justice, but those people have clearly never had their tongue forcibly stuck to a flagpole in a January snow storm. It was going to take a whole lot more than being grounded till I go to college to stop me from getting back at the Dull Droll Troll club (the group of bullies at Forestwood Middleschool). So, the first day I was allowed out of the house for good behavior, I went to talk with Randy.
“Randy,” I said, rushing into the auto shop, no time to waste, “if you were going to lead a war, how would you start?”
“Research,” replied Randy.
I was back out the door before he even had time to look up. Now, I’ve never really been one for research (in an English essay last year, I cited Galaxy Destroyers 7), so I figured I could use some help.
I went to talk to Suzanne first since I figured she’d want to get back at the Trolls for ruining her dress. It took a little persuading for her mom to let me inside after the whole “almost getting her fired” thing, and even more persuading to get Suzanne to put down the baseball bat once she caught sight of me. But, by the time I left, I had at least gotten her to focus her aim at the Dull Droll Trolls instead of me, even if she did warn me I was next on the list. I figured that was fair.
Kevin was easier. I didn’t even have to finish telling him my plan before he’d gotten his bike and we were whizzing down main street towards the library. Now, if you know me, you know just how big of a deal this is. I’ve never stepped foot in the Forestwood Public Library. Never even seen it. You might think that’s because I’m a few crayons short of a full box, but the truth is that I have always been careful to shut my eyes in the car when I could sense we were getting close to it. That way, whenever teachers told me to go to the library, I could honestly say: “What library?”
It pained me to kill off one of my best excuses, but desperate times call for desperate measures. It took us a whole two hours to find all the books we’d need, but by the time we were done, we had an absolute treasure trove. You could tell how impressed the librarian was by the look on her face. She took one look at The Art of the Prank, then at me. She looked at A Student’s Guide to Explosive Chemistry, then at Kevin. That’s when she saw Criminology for Dummies.
I watched as she looked at my library card and copied my name down on a sticky note. “What’s that for?”
“I just want to make sure I spell it right for when the police come asking.”
I knew I should have used Sylvie’s library card. Anyway, with all the material we needed, along with the extended Home Alone movie set I keep hidden under my bed (my parents think it’s a bad influence on me), we were ready to research. For a whole month, Kevin, Suzanne, and I poured over our sources, carefully constructing a list of anything and everything we could possibly use to get revenge on the Dull Droll Troll club. Then, once that was done, we went through the list and marked out all the stuff that could fit in the “illegal” category. That took us a while. By the time we were finally finished, the three of us sat back, staring at the piece of notebook paper in awe.
“It’s perfect,” I whispered, chills running up and down my spine.
Kevin nodded. “When should we do it?”
“Next Friday?” suggested Suzanne, checking the calendar.
“Yes!” I replied, leaping up from my seat excitedly. “Just like Julius Caesar, we shall wipe out the tyrants on the Ides of March!”
“And steal their pizza!” added Kevin, pumping his arm.
Suzanne grimaced. “Wrong Caesar, Kevin.”
Pizza or no pizza, throughout that week, the three of us smuggled our supplies into school for the attack, making the metal doors of our lockers bulge from our contraband. When at last the fateful day arrived, we each wore large jackets to school, arriving early and stuffing our pockets full of secret weapons before first period. I didn’t see them again till near the end of lunch period, but when I did they were grinning almost as widely as I was. Together, still breathless from our adventures, we settled down to watch the show. The first act came about two minutes later when the Dull Droll Troll club started on their pineapple spice desert (emphasis on spice). Back behind the lunch counter, I could see the lunch lady, Mrs. Grapeswrath, slowly straightened from where she’d been peering into the trash bin, an empty bottle of hot sauce in one hand. I just grinned at her. It wasn’t long before Kevin and I heard the fruits of our labor while visiting the boy’s room.
One after the other, the attacks continued, each one going off even better than the last. When school finally let out and we had managed to fish Kevin’s pet snake out of the now abandoned backpack before the janitor could arrive with his shovel, we managed to sneak a quick peek in the nurse’s office on our way out of school. I have to admit, as beautiful of a sight as it was, I did feel a bit bad for poor Nurse Danielson. I know from experience how hard it can be to remove items that are stuck to your tongue. Not that I’ve ever licked a sucker covered in super glue, mind you, but if nothing less the brutes will think twice before robbing another open gym locker of its candy stash.
You know, Journal, there haven’t been many moments in my life that I’d call perfect. But that night, as Kevin, Suzanne, and I toasted our victory with Cokes in my bedroom, all laughing and grinning like we hadn’t just signed on to being grounded for life once we were found out, there wasn’t a thing in the world that could have made it any better. It’s just a shame it only lasted a moment.
“Brady!” called my mom from downstairs, making us pause. “You have another visitor!”
All at once, before any of us could react, the door to my bedroom flew open. There in the hall, his silhouette filling the doorway, stood the hulking form of a Dull Droll Troll.
To be continued…
Photo Credit: Sabina Boyer