Greetings from The Royal Mini-Guide, and welcome back for our latest installment: Tradeoffs of a Royal Life!
Dear princess, we understand that your life has been full of difficult experiences. If you’re like eighty percent of readers, you’ve lost one or both family members through some traumatic event in your dark past. If you’re like seventy percent of readers, you’ve been extremely sheltered and quite possibly hidden completely from the world, making keeping up with pop culture extremely difficult. (Homeschool struggles, are we right?) And if you’re like one hundred percent of readers, you’ve faced extreme doubt of your abilities. Rather than accepting that all of your past failures are negated because your life isn’t fair, everyone around you decides you are incapable of fending for yourself.
So today we would like to extend our sincerest sympathies for the trials you’ve faced as we discuss two major princess gripes.
-Which Witch? It’s hard to keep track of all of the evil villains popping up within a five-mile radius of you, and it’s hard to find time to practice your duets between all of the attempted kidnappings and poisonings you go through on a daily basis– not to mention the spells! While we’d like to give the witches a pat on the back for their consistency (sleeping potion– it works every time), what we’d like even more is a break for you!
-Beauty and the Beasts. This is definitely one of the biggest complaints: for the first few years, the intense voice lessons, the music theory classes, and the designer outfits won’t seem to be paying off– you’re still attracting more animals than guys. One consolation is that the critters are good to practice on. In fact, a clever way to sidestep this obstacle is to simply pretend the animals are the man of your dreams you’re singing to, and he may appear. There is a very high likelihood that if you sing alone in the forest, you’ll discover that your prince has actually been following you for quite a while, unbeknownst to you, to eventually approach when you least expect it. (After all, nothing says “romantic” quite like a mysterious stalker.)
Well, princess, we give you a moment of silence and a round of applause for having endured these two especially baneful circumstances thus far. We can truly say that your life is harder than it looks. But not to worry– hope is not lost. Inspiration to overcome your hardships can be found quite easily– look no further than the bathroom mirror! Here are our four favorite reasons you need to take time to appreciate yourself:
-You have amazing hair. It doesn’t matter whether you woke up with a Sandy Moana or an Anna Floof, you can’t keep you or your hair down for long. Give it a shake, swish a brush through those strands of perfection, and welcome back the sight of your shining locks.
-You’re literally always in the right. You may not have noticed, princess, but you’ve never been wrong! Do you defend the innocent? Yes, check. Have you retained an unblemished sense of altruism despite the many wrongs committed against you? Check. Do you rebel against your parental authority and, instead of getting in trouble, have the parent apologize for being so restrictive? This, princesses, is the epitome of a healthy parent-child relationship, so we give this another emphatic check! Indeed, parents have an unfortunate habit of keeping poor decision-making skills in check, which can seriously hinder your ability to create scrapes to be rescued from. We highly recommend hiring a witch to shapeshift the offending parent before any further damage can be done to your blossoming sense of self.
-Your life has never gone wrong for long. Sure, you tripped, you fell, you scraped your tiara, but you got right back up and got your happily ever after! Never was there a princess who didn’t get exactly the ending she wanted, besting the bad guys, winning the love, getting the goal, and achieving something she thought she could never do, all in a few days’ work!
Now, princess, breathe in the contentment and breathe out the unhappiness. We hope you’ve been helped by our summary of the ups and downs of princess life. With so much to appreciate about yourself, we’ve barely covered the basics! Feel free to write and tell us your own reasons for appreciating your royal magnificence, and we’ll see you next month!
Publishers’ Note: Due to a surprising amount of reader responses, we may not be able to address all of your questions and concerns in the future. That said, we’re delighted to have had the chance to provide the necessary assistance, advice, and the like for your pressing royal matters thus far and hope to continue to guide you on your royal journeys. Until next month,
The Royal Mini-Guide
Photo Credits: hips.hearstapps.com/cos.h-cdn.co/assets/15/09/1280×712/gallery_nrm_1424984298-princess-jasmine.jpg