Humor

Your First Week Knowing a Princess

Welcome back to The Royal Mini-Guide for this week’s edition: Your First Week Knowing a Princess!

You met her. You like her. And now you’re frantically scanning your Prince 101 textbooks, wondering what happens now and why didn’t you pay more attention in class??

Fortunately for you, we at Mini-Guide have you covered, having received countless letters from princes in your exact situation and having compiled observations from several successful royal romances. We’ve laid out for you the ideal first week of knowing a princess to ensure that you successfully find the royal love of your life.

 

Day 1: You had better have some epic songs up your sleeve to get her attention. Admittedly, according to a previous article (How to Attract a True Princess), princesses are not attracted to singing itself but rather to your tolerance of it. However, this revelation actually gives struggling princes some leeway in their musical aspirations. For instance, you could pull a Prince Charming and copy whatever she’s singing, adding a couple “doo-oo doo-oo”s as you go along. You could go all out Aladdin-style and make up your own song, dazzling her with your singing prowess as you whisk her through a journey that compliments your lyrics. Or you could Kristoff it, making up a simple but sweet melody and pretending you just didn’t realize she was listening through the closed door. Wink. We know what you’re up to.

Day 2: We need some big displays of affection today. So you met her yesterday and blew her off her satin-slippered feet with your ability to carry a tune, but now she needs to know you’re in it to win it. Carry her coffin home through the mountains, journey across the kingdom to return her shoe, haul some logs as she watches on (if you’re into The Tempest), that sort of thing. Make some huge gestures that will be hard to miss.

Day 3: Play it cool. Let the relationship chill, just enough to make the old adage “absence makes the heart grow fonder” become true. You can also start brainstorming for tomorrow, when you’re going to…

Day 4: Propose! Today’s the day you pop the question— you’ll need a couple fancy adjectives, a twenty-one-piece orchestra, and your fanciest suit (or your fanciest soot, depending on whether or not you had to fight an evil dragon to reach her). Yes, day four is the prime time for proposing—you’ve known her long enough to remember her and her parents’ names (even though it took some serious cramming skills) but not quite long enough that you know anything bad about her. Assuming you’ve done things right the previous three days, all will go well and you’ll get married tomorrow!

Day 5: So at this point, there are a few different places you could be.

1) The Wedding—congrats! Remember, invite any witches or evil persons involved in your girl’s life who happen to be in the region. Your bride will jump at the chance to either grant them mercy or dole out punishment. And let us just say, you should keep some iron shoes handy

2) Dragon Toast. Either you quite literally are dragon toast, or it just didn’t work out. There’s always a next time, though!

3) Still Dating. Not a pretty place to be, my friend. Not. A. Pretty. Place. To get out of this scary situation and escape becoming Dragon Toast, propose tomorrow! Remember, the sooner the better.

Day 6-7: We’re giving a final word of warning to the stragglers of you—if you wait longer than a week after you’ve met your princess to propose, the relationship is clearly going downhill. Take our advice and propose soon!

 

We hope you enjoyed this edition of Mini-Guide, where we outlined how your first week with the princess of your affections should go and gave you some handy tips along the way. Follow our advice, and it’ll be one smooth ride to the wedding.

Please feel free to write to us and tell us how successfully your relationship is going. Check back next month for a new article!

 

 

Photo Credits: i.pinimg.com/originals/6f/7f/bb/6f7fbbb85761bed27cdde7990ebc2821.jpg

35 Comments

  1. Nice Article! It was so funny and enjoyable!

  2. I gotta start working on my duet skills… great article Samantha!

  3. Nice work, Samantha! 😹😸🐱‍🐉

  4. hehehehe this article cracked me up XD

  5. A Desperate Prince

    Help! I proposed to my lovely princess in front of the whole castle (and in front of the evil witch who hates me). All seemed to be going well until I got on one knee, I asked THE question, and she threw the pie she was eating at my face and left. I have embarrassed myself in front of everyone! What should I do know?

    • I recommend stalking her. She’ll probably go off on some kind of dangerous adventure within the next few days, determined to save the kingdom. When she does, follow her. Let her know that someone is following her, but not who. The more creeped out she is the better. Then, when she gets into a fight she can’t handle, come racing in to save her. And make sure you get wounded. She will then care for you while you heal – make sure to heal sLoWlY – and in the meantime get to know her. Once you’re healed, pretend you’re leaving and will never come back – preferably with some cutting remark about how “you never cared for me anyway.” Then hide and spy on her, and when she realizes she’s in love with you, she will invariably begin to sing. Probably alone. And probably on a balcony ajoining her room. In which case, all you have to do is slip into her room, come up behind her and join in… There’s no saying no to that :)))

    • The Royal Mini-Guide

      Greetings, Desperate Prince!

      Your plight is definitely pitiable– but fortunately, we at Mini-Guide have a fix for you! From your story above, it sounds like you neglected to include a crucial part of every romantic endeavor– the song. I imagine your princess fled in disappointment, having not heard your vocal talents yet and thus being unable to gauge whether or not you are king material. We advise finding a large object in a space you know she frequents, since she will likely have thrown herself upon it to weep. A simple but heartfelt melody would suffice to amend the situation and restore your favor in the eyes of your lady and her kingdom. Take it from the writers who gave Kristoff proposal advice– you can always try again! Best of luck!

      The Royal Mini-Guide

      • A Desperate Prince

        Royal Mini-Guide,
        thank you for your personal response! I will incorporate your ideas into my future life!

  6. Haha, that was hilarious! Can’t wait for next time!

  7. lololol 🤣🤣🤣

  8. I think the dragon got me.

  9. Poor Queen Elsa must have had an unfortunate experience with this method if she stands so strongly against it lol
    Love this so much xD

  10. xD why. am i in tears

  11. Oh this is so funnyyyy!!! 😂 Well written!! I also love how you used bolded text to emphasize the humorous bits. XDXD

  12. Prince Alarmingly Uncharming

    10/10 excellent advice

    I’ve spent the last few years mostly as dragon toast, sometimes figuratively, sometimes literally. I applied this guide to my more-or-less true love and thus far the first few days have been going quite splendidly to say the least! It has been a big change from prior attempts.
    I have a question, though, concerning day three. First, I should like to clarify, is there a separate guide for princesses about their first week knowing a prince? If so, how long are they instructed to let the relationship chill? I know I was supposed to proceed thus for only day three, but it seems my moderately true love has extended this period apparently indefinitely, as today is day 3,915. I have called upon her each day and have received no response. How should I proceed under such dire circumstances?

    • The Royal Mini-Guide

      Greetings, Prince Alarmingly Uncharming!

      You certainly possess the commitment it requires to have called upon your princess every day for the last ten years with no response. To have the first two days go so well, only to have things go so seemingly downhill, must have been confusing and disappointing—but there is yet hope! Your situation is actually more common than you would think. Indeed, the #2 answer to the survey question “When your princess doesn’t respond to your Herald messages, where is she?” was “under a spell,” right after “dancing with the forest animals.” Unfortunately for both parties in the relationship, princesses have an extremely high risk of being cursed, poisoned, imprisoned, and/or having a spell cast upon them. We definitely recommend popping over to your princess’s palace in person and ensuring she is still alive. Best of luck in any further romantic endeavors!

      The Royal Mini-Guide

  13. I wholeheartedly agree about the proposal time–no later than the fourth day. Honestly, any prince who fails to propose by that time obviously has no spine, and I simply can’t respect that. And I might note that while they don’t have to sing *well*, they do need to at least sound like they try and not make my ears bleed if that will give any young princes some hope in their own endeavors for wooing their princesses *nod*

  14. literal hot stuff. as a hardcore witch disguised as a princess (or a princess disguised as a witch??) i can affirm the high quality of this advice. i do not believe there are better materials to send to the princes who keep showing up at my mansion for relationship advice. (are there any royal mini-guides for how to scare princes off??)
    and yes, there are three subscriptions to royal mini-guide based out of my mansion, one for each of my alter egos. i am indisputably your #1 fan. looking forward to your next article.
    –the coolest entj

  15. Lol! That was so funny!

  16. Dear Royal Mini-Guide,
    I am a royal prince and my one true love and I were doing well- until she fell down a well. I purposefully jumped into the same well soon after, in hopes of rescuing her. I landed in a strange world filled with strange people- cruel and unkind. I was looking for my love in a strange city of boxy yellow carriages, when I spotted her. She was walking side by side with another man! My true love seems to have found another love! They were walking by holding hands and singing sweetly to each other, whilst staring longingly into each other’s eyes. I’ve followed your advice, but now I have no way to win her back! Please help!

    • The Royal Mini-Guide

      Greetings, Prince Edward!

      It would appear that you’ve entered an alternate universe through the well you mentioned. Fortunately, since all are aware that true love is impossible to break, your one true love will not be permanently lost to you. In fact, far from having fallen for another, the only conclusion is that she has fallen for an alternate version of you. This does present a problem, because that puts you, your true love, and the alternate versions of yourselves in the same dimension, making for a rather complex love square. These matters are, unfortunately, somewhat beyond the scope of the dilemmas we cover here at The Royal Mini-Guide. We highly recommend seeking out The Portal Mini-Guide for further guidance. Best of luck!

      The Royal Mini-Guide

      • Dear Royal Mini-Guide
        Thank you for your advice, I will certainly consult The Portal Mini-Guide. I appreciate the information and explanation. I will be sure to contact you if I have any further questions. Thank you again,
        Prince Edward

  17. princess gwendolen

    Recently it was my birthday- and my prince didn’t even show up! Is there a Royal Mini-Guide for princesses who are stuck in a place where nO prince lives up to the standards??

    • Greetings, Prince Gwendolen—

      Congratulations on defying the odds and having survived another year! Depending on whether you have or have not turned sixteen this year, your prince may be obligated to abstain from attending any birthday-related events. Section V of the Prince Code clearly states that princes may not approach the lady of their affections until she has turned sixteen or has been put in serious danger. To speed the process of seeing your prince, then, you could take a potion to put you to sleep or try convincing an evil person in the area to kidnap you. We hope this helps, and best of luck!

      The Royal Mini-Guide

      • Princess Gwendolen

        Royal Mini-Guide-
        Oh! This a new piece of information I have never acquired. Thank you for the insight into the teenage prince’s mind. If I do turn sixteen and he doesn’t show up, then I’ll have to consult this once more and use a potion or one of your other suggestions. Thank you again!
        – Gwendolen

  18. Oh man! This was great!! Made my day!

  19. Ahahahha too funny! Nice job Samantha!

  20. This was so funny! Awesome job writing this, Samantha! You’re so creative!

  21. Hello Mini-Guide. I tried this and it worked perfectly! She loved the poetic edda I composed and sang for her and even managed to not wretch at my puns. When I proposed, she said yes. Unfortunately, the five evil witches who were also her aunt’s mother’s cousin’s brother’s children that I invited immediately cursed both of us to only speak in Esperanto. Please advise!

    • The Royal Mini-Guide

      Greetings, So-Sad Prince!

      Our sincerest sympathies on this loss of your native language right as you found true love. Fortunately, there are several alternatives to being able to converse with the princess of your affections. First, we suggest pulling a Pocahontas: listen with your heart as hard as possible, and you should suddenly and instantaneously be gifted with the ability to speak fluent Esperanto. Another option would be taking a page from the little mermaid and communicating solely through overly dramatic facial expressions and body language. In fact, according to recent statistics, the likelihood of romantic voyages increases by 45% when the prince/princess in question uses body language cues over verbal ones—so this seeming inhibition may end up benefitting you instead. Bonŝancon!

      The Royal Mini-Guide

  22. Haha! You did a great job capturing the hilarious and entirely unrealistic cliché of the genre!
    I’m not sure if these are all entirely true, though… 🤣