Welcome back to The Royal Mini-Guide for this week’s edition: Your First Week Knowing a Princess!
You met her. You like her. And now you’re frantically scanning your Prince 101 textbooks, wondering what happens now and why didn’t you pay more attention in class??
Fortunately for you, we at Mini-Guide have you covered, having received countless letters from princes in your exact situation and having compiled observations from several successful royal romances. We’ve laid out for you the ideal first week of knowing a princess to ensure that you successfully find the royal love of your life.
Day 1: You had better have some epic songs up your sleeve to get her attention. Admittedly, according to a previous article (How to Attract a True Princess), princesses are not attracted to singing itself but rather to your tolerance of it. However, this revelation actually gives struggling princes some leeway in their musical aspirations. For instance, you could pull a Prince Charming and copy whatever she’s singing, adding a couple “doo-oo doo-oo”s as you go along. You could go all out Aladdin-style and make up your own song, dazzling her with your singing prowess as you whisk her through a journey that compliments your lyrics. Or you could Kristoff it, making up a simple but sweet melody and pretending you just didn’t realize she was listening through the closed door. Wink. We know what you’re up to.
Day 2: We need some big displays of affection today. So you met her yesterday and blew her off her satin-slippered feet with your ability to carry a tune, but now she needs to know you’re in it to win it. Carry her coffin home through the mountains, journey across the kingdom to return her shoe, haul some logs as she watches on (if you’re into The Tempest), that sort of thing. Make some huge gestures that will be hard to miss.
Day 3: Play it cool. Let the relationship chill, just enough to make the old adage “absence makes the heart grow fonder” become true. You can also start brainstorming for tomorrow, when you’re going to…
Day 4: Propose! Today’s the day you pop the question— you’ll need a couple fancy adjectives, a twenty-one-piece orchestra, and your fanciest suit (or your fanciest soot, depending on whether or not you had to fight an evil dragon to reach her). Yes, day four is the prime time for proposing—you’ve known her long enough to remember her and her parents’ names (even though it took some serious cramming skills) but not quite long enough that you know anything bad about her. Assuming you’ve done things right the previous three days, all will go well and you’ll get married tomorrow!
Day 5: So at this point, there are a few different places you could be.
1) The Wedding—congrats! Remember, invite any witches or evil persons involved in your girl’s life who happen to be in the region. Your bride will jump at the chance to either grant them mercy or dole out punishment. And let us just say, you should keep some iron shoes handy…
2) Dragon Toast. Either you quite literally are dragon toast, or it just didn’t work out. There’s always a next time, though!
3) Still Dating. Not a pretty place to be, my friend. Not. A. Pretty. Place. To get out of this scary situation and escape becoming Dragon Toast, propose tomorrow! Remember, the sooner the better.
Day 6-7: We’re giving a final word of warning to the stragglers of you—if you wait longer than a week after you’ve met your princess to propose, the relationship is clearly going downhill. Take our advice and propose soon!
We hope you enjoyed this edition of Mini-Guide, where we outlined how your first week with the princess of your affections should go and gave you some handy tips along the way. Follow our advice, and it’ll be one smooth ride to the wedding.
Please feel free to write to us and tell us how successfully your relationship is going. Check back next month for a new article!
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