Greetings from your writers at The Royal Mini-Guide, and thank you for your nine-month subscription!
Mini-Guide is a monthly magazine devoted to exactly what every prince and princess needs—good advice. We cover everything from romance to royal hazards, each article filled with nifty tricks to get you out of a stretch, into a relationship, and through every obstacle ruling can throw at you!
Some of our articles will cover the more princely realm of things, while others will bring a feminine touch to the world of royal advice-giving. Now, without further ado, we present the first edition of Mini-Guide: How to Attract a True Princess. We’ll start right off with several tips and tricks to hit your wooing off the right way!
Our first tried-and-true tactic is simple— get with the color scheme. Every princess has a gene that gives her the ability to critique every dress and coat according to how it corresponds with the lighting, floral tablecloth trim, and—of course—her own gown. Here we have three handy tips to help you get with the color scheme. One: wear white. White is an easy choice because it complements everything. Add some dark scarlet and gold highlights to that cape or toss a few dark blue feathers onto your headdress, and you’re already a step ahead of the competition. Second, bring extra clothes. Bonus points for initiative if you come up with creative excuses and/or disguises for that spare garment or fifteen. (“Of course I change my outfit after each bite of pork tenderloin!” “What do you mean, why am I bringing a giant plastic unicorn into the palace?” “Oh, this overstuffed-looking ten-foot-by-ten-foot carpet bag? Family heirloom.”) And finally, do your homework. Use your royal sources of information to find out the color of her dress, which winter palace she’s hosting at, and whether or not the cooked pig will be medium-rare. It may be tiring, but remember— if your light green tunic clashes with the red and gold palace carpets, you’re already sunk.
Another tip to attract the lady of your dreams is to keep the hair products to a minimum. You don’t want to enter the ballroom and begin a lively waltz only to find that the candlelight is melting your hair gel, and now your soggy hair is falling into your eyes and dripping onto the floor. Or you would hate to realize you overdid it, turning your regal brown waves into a stiff cardboard cutout. No, gentlemen, gelling and spraying is not for the faint of heart or the heavy of hand—use wisely and sparingly. Better yet, go for a natural look. Keep the hairspray bottles out of your life, and your princess will love you for doing so—and for taking up less shelf space by the bathroom mirror.
A third tactic involves: singing. Ah, singing. Over the ages, countless couples have met and fallen in love through the power of song. What is it, hundreds of wondering princes write to us, that the princess mind finds so attractive in music? If I want to find my true love, must I begin voice lessons? We here at Mini-Guide have an answer for you.
A recent study has found that princesses aren’t actually attracted to men’s musical talents—rather, they’re attracted to whether or not their potential partner has the ability to endure The Greatest Showman and Frozen soundtracks on a daily basis. (Yes, princesses still like Let it Go. Don’t judge.) Musically disinclined princes are not recommended to pursue a serious courtship with a princess. No, if you can’t handle the duets you’re expected to participate in during the first date or the romantic orchestra that strikes up every time she enters the room, make like Speedy Gonzalez, get out of that relationship, and find a nice farm girl.
EDIT: We were reminded by our publishers that many farm girls are princesses in disguise. Why don’t you find a nice duchess or handmaiden instead?
EDIT: We were reminded by our publishers that handmaidens and duchesses are often evil and seek to overthrow and/or murder royalty, and Mini-Guide strives to avoid reader casualties. Why don’t you find a nice rock instead?
And a final tip— beware the pea tactic. Sure, your granny had her own garden in which she carefully tended peas every year so that, when you found your potential bride, one of those lovingly cultivated plants could be used on the lady for a night to determine if she was “the one.” Or perhaps your mother holds very strongly to tradition and will force the girl to walk uphill in the rain on a dark night before putting her through what is commonly known as “The Pea Trial.” But while this may please your mother, your future mother-in-law will surely dislike the dark circles a restless night will leave under her daughter’s eyes, the stain which that tiny green vegetable will leave on the sheets, and the underlying assumption that her child may not be real royalty.
And with the thought of an angry mother-in-law to keep you burning or, at the very least, hiding all peas within a twenty-mile radius, we bid you adieu—and happy courting!
We hope you enjoyed this edition of Mini-Guide, where we gave you four pointers to winning a princess’s affections, along with a few social landmines to avoid. Apply these techniques, then write to us and tell us how your first date went. Check back next month for a new article!
Photo Credits: disneysmulticulturalism.files.wordpress.com/2016/04/1eb340cc171eef6c0411cb5dda6d076a.jpg