Hello! My name’s Edmund, not Edgar, Edmund. A few years back, I got into a scrape that was partially… mostly my fault. To help you avoid the same stupid mistake, here are my top reasons you shouldn’t trust an icy cold queen in the woods (or anywhere for that matter). If any or all of these apply in your case, do have some more sense than I did.
#10: She has a pale, white face
The way I see it, there are three kinds of pale people. Scared people, redheaded people, and evil people. This queen did not have red hair and was certainly not scared, so that only leaves one option: she’s got to be evil. I say! Logic is such a help in these situations. And yes, I did receive high marks in my logic courses, in case you were wondering. Really though, pale faces are awfully frightful. If someone wanted to create a terrifying villain, they could simply give him a pale, white face… maybe some deep, red eyes… and a bald head. I dunno, just a thought. But do steer well clear of them.
#9: She lives in a castle
Here in England, you’ll see quite a few castles around, mostly occupied by the very wealthy, or the very, let’s just say, interesting. Certainly, if I had loads of pounds, I would jolly well find myself a castle, but that’s besides the point, and that’s also just me. But then, there are those other fellows who live in castles, and you sort of wonder whether they’re quite right in the head. This “queen” couldn’t even get herself a decent car, she had to drive about everywhere in a sledge. So, I’m not sure why she’s blowing her pounds on a castle, and not even a decent one! Everything was made of ice – a terribly uncomfortable design choice…
#8: She has a questionable laugh
Sometimes, when you hear a certain kind of laugh, you just get this feeling. Something in your gut kind of screams, “Hello! Look out!” Well, this queen person… she had the laugh. The sort of laugh that makes you want to run as far away from that person as possible. I mean, when most normal people laugh, they laugh after something funny, a joke or something like that. But unless Narnia has some backwards sort of humor, it seemed to me that this queen laughed after bad things happened, and even I didn’t find them the least bit funny.
#7: She makes it always winter and never Christmas
Personally, I never much liked Christmas. Normally, I’d wake up to Lucy running all about our room, going on about presents and other holiday rubbish. And then, I’d have to smile and be a cheerful old bloke all day long. Quite a waste of efforts, if you ask me. But really though, causing an eternal winter with no Christmas is a pretty awful thing to do. Even though I quite dislike Christmas, I dislike winter even more… actually I dislike many things. But at least you get a break from school when it is Christmas, plain winter is just rot. Anyone who’s for making it last longer than it needs to is quite batty in my books.
#6: She pawns difficult tasks on ten-year-olds
Most fellows know that you don’t go telling children to betray their siblings. You’d have to be pretty thick or just really beastly to do that sort of thing. And when this Witch met me, I was only ten, and very impressionable, I dare say. Everyone knows that you can get a ten year old to say they’ll do basically anything, the trouble is that they aren’t actually able to do anything. Unfortunately, I was the exception, and a very capable young bloke. But if any odd, icy queens come asking you ten year olds out there to do something strange, just keep walking.
#5: She breaks promises
Just so you know, when I was at that impressionable age of ten and this icy Queen approached me, I did not merely submit to her bidding out of admiration or something stupid. No, I had an extremely practical reason for agreeing to her terms: Turkish Delight. Unless you’ve tasted this perfection of a confection, your words have no grounding here. Go on, try it, you’ll see. One moment please–shut it Susan, nobody asked you!–anyway, so she promised me loads of the stuff, and after I’ve snitched on my siblings, she gave me stale bread! Stale bread. That is stooping low, I tell you.
#4: She makes you walk farther than anyone has ever walked
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but walking is very hard. Being made to walk is even harder. And before you go calling me a wimp, consider that I had to put up with a muddy, sloshy ground, very wet stockings, a growling stomach from that ghastly stale bread, the aforesaid evil queen, and a stupid dwarf who kept whipping my neck! The whole experience has to be the most miserable, rotten thing anyone has made me do, which includes the time when my mum made me apologize to Peter for something I didn’t even do. Yes, it was worse than that. Nonsense…
#3: She works with dwarves
Speaking of these little beasts, I’ve read quite a few books on dwarves, in all those children’s fairytales and what not, and normally they’re not the friendliest of chaps. It seems like they all secretly want anarchy or something. They even look dodgy, with their odd floppy hats, and big noses, and strange clothes, and squatty stature, and creepy little eyes… they just really set me on edge. So, if you come across someone who is employing them, and seems to agree with them, there is clearly something very shady going on, if you ask me.
#2: She turns people to stone
So……. this one probably should give it away. I was only ten… just remember that…
#1: She doesn’t give you unlimited Turkish Delight
Honestly, if you had the fantastic ability to create food out of thin air, and any shred of human decency, you’d be willing to pass out unlimited treats to anyone, it’s not as though it’s hard for you or anything! I was a cold, young, innocent… well, mostly innocent… child, and anyone with those powers would have been perfectly happy to supply me with as much Turkish Delight as I could want. And yet, she said no. And, she told me that the only way to get more would be if I handed over my siblings, when she could have easily poofed some more into existence! That is utterly and despicably evil.
Now, I’ve got to run, my cousin Eustace has a birthday or something—he really is such a dull fellow. But do watch out for those queens in woods, and remember, just because someone acts nicely doesn’t mean they are nice. I learned that the hard way… and the sugary way.