Arts & Culture

The Troll’s Guide to Gaming PC Buildery

Hello ladies and gentlemen! I am just your friendly neighborhood internet troll, and this is the Complete, Definitive, No-Nonsense, Will-Never-Waste-Your-Time, Absolutely Accurate Guide to Gaming PC Buildery. The personal computer, an invention as old as your mom, is your sole gateway between you and politely blowing up your friends’ houses (in Minecraft), making it the only piece of technology you should ever want in your life. It can get boring intentionally starting arguments in YouTube comment sections then leaving to watch the fireworks, and sometimes you just want to watch a virtual world burn, which cannot be done without a proper “gaming rig.” Normally I would recommend gaming on a MacBook Air from 2008, but you didn’t come here because you wanted Apple cooties; you want to join the almighty group of PC Builders and make fun of Apple users for their poor taste. Before we begin, a few things to keep in mind: bring a drill and leave your brain behind.

 

 Step 1: Buy the parts

Because 2020 exists, the economy is nuked, supply always fails to meet demand, and the prices are inflated threefold, which is why I call this the perfect time to buy highly sought-after commodities like computer parts. If you look at any local or online retailer, you’ll instantly notice that stock of what you want no longer exists because it was all bought by scalpers the picosecond it became available. So, the logical course of action is rewarding them by paying for overvalued products and perpetuating the cycle of misery for everyone else. You will find no shortage of the parts you need on eBay. For a fair price? Play a game of Russian roulette with a M-96 Mauser to find out the odds of that happening.

If you want a functional computer, you first need a Central Processing Unit™ and a Graphics Processing Unit™, otherwise known as a processor and graphics card. Without these, your computer remain a hunk of metal incapable of beaming your epic Fortnite dances (bought with your mom’s credit card) into your eyeballs. Because these parts are so important, they’re also very expensive. I personally recommend buying a Ryzen 9 5900X processor with a RTX 3090 graphics card from a sketchy seller  for maximum performance and minimum value for your money, which will cost you $4,000. But wait, did you just instantly blow your entire budget and are unable to get a refund from said sketchy seller? Fear not, we can simply cheap out on everything else. You should always buy the cheapest motherboard, RAM (preferably 2GB to meet the minimum requirement to run Windows 10), storage, and processor cooler possible, especially the power supply. I hear they have a rather explosive surprise waiting for you the cheaper you go. And because all of these parts will cost an extra $100, you should skip buying a case for everything since that’s just a cosmetic finish, and you cannot afford spending another $30.

Step 2: Build the PC

Now you are ready for the second step of this guide, assuming the people that shipped the parts to you in fine shape. And even if every single part was mere inches from death, the sunk cost fallacy dictates you go through with it anyway. You have no choice but to somehow make this wasted money worth it. Building a computer is really easy: all you need is three hours of your time, the most misery your fingertips will ever go through, a drill, and no brain. The first thing to do is anchor the motherboard somewhere, since that will host all of the components of the computer, so I highly suggest drilling it into your desk through the funny holes it has. The processor I recommended is what is known as a PGA chip, or pin grid array, which means that it has hundreds of small delicate pins on the bottom that insert into the motherboard socket. For optimal functioning, you want to completely flatten these pins before inserting the processor. If you notice it’s not going in properly, a drilling a screw through the exact center of the processor should keep it in place.

As for the rest of the components, just slap them in where they look like they will fit, and apply as much force as possible when doing so. Underneath the processor cooler you might find a funny grey paste underneath. Do eat it, it is very nutritious and definitely  not the primary way heat transfers to the cooler so the processor doesn’t burn itself alive. As for the power supply, we will not need that anymore. Simply yank the wires out of it and plug them from the motherboard to the brain you removed in order to follow this guide. The human brain operates on just 12 volts of electricity, not enough to power the average lightbulb, making it the perfect power supply for an entire computer.

Step 3: Use the PC

After this long and arduous journey, you have finally built your very own computer. Will this newly made gaming machine turn on? Probably not. Will it be able to play games? No. Will the components spontaneously die due to electrostatic discharges caused by dust buildup and being touched in lieu of a proper case? Absolutely. So, what now? You thought I would be telling you how to use the computer but I only promised to teach you how to build one. I hope this was helpful – you have now earned the right to make fun of Apple users. Welcome to the PC Master Race, friend, and thank you for coming to my TED talk.

 

 

 

P.S. It’s just a prank bro (:

 

Works Cited

Thumbnail. Linus Tech Tips building a computer. https://www.microcenter.com/buildpost/252/linus-tech-tips-10,000-ryzen-threadripper-3990x-workstation-pc.

Fig. 1. Samuel Kleis. Buying the parts.

Fig. 2. Samuel Kleis. Building the PC.

Fig. 3. Serious woman browsing smartphone near laptop. https://www.pexels.com/photo/serious-woman-browsing-smartphone-near-laptop-5711944/.

5 Comments

  1. ROFL you should be a humor columnist man, this was hilarious.

  2. *Literally what would happen if I attempted to build a PC* (and note that my brother has done it successfully)

  3. ROFL I love linus tech tips Good job bruh! xDDDDDD

  4. THIS IS SO xD