Arts & Culture

Read Zhis, Dahlings

What is it? Who are you? What do you want? What! Write a film ahticle—zhat is impossible! I am fah too busy for zhis! I make fashionable ahticles of clothing, yes, but movies? I have no time—why I could be in Milan zhis very hour—but fine, fine, I’ll make it short. After all, words are useless, dahling. Gobble, gobble, gobble…
Anyways, dahling, everybody knows zhe story of Peetuh Pan, zhe first superhero to fly, yes… if only I were there to design his suit… Of course, while ignorant people think zhat he defeated zhat pitiful Captain Hook with his elegant swordsmanship and flying ability—seriously, dahling, there were fah greater foes in my time—we fashionable elite all know it’s because zhe Pan boy had enough sense not to wear a cape. But zhat green outfit, dahling—what a hobo suit!

Enough fashion. I could go on forever ranting about zhe impracticality and blandness of Neverland and capes, but back to zhe present. Now where were we? Oh yes, we haven’t even stahted… Okay—and you must stop distracting me, dahling—now Hook was introduced with big names and high hopes: it was led by zhat director Steven Spielburger and Robber Williams and zhat Dusty man and all those ridiculous looking boys. I hate to be blunt, dahling, but zhe movie was simply unable to “hook” my attention at any point of zhe movie. At zhe beginning, Peetuh Pan—goodness he’s gotten fat—is slowly becoming estranged from his wife and kids—sounds a lot like a man I used to know—and soon goes on a mission to save his children kidnapped by Captain Hook and reclaim his glory days of “zhe boy who could fly.” But you see, dahling, Peetuh Pan chose to forego his eternal youth for a girl whom he married, so he doesn’t remember he ever was Peetuh Pan and brushes it off as mere fairytale and signs of dementia in his mother-in-law. I mean, what kind of superhero, dahling, forgets he’s a superhero? More like a “stupor-hero.”

When Pan finally flies to Neverland with zhe help of Tinker Bell, dahling, his mere words are not enough to convince Hook to release his children. Neither is Hook willing to fight such a pitiful man such as he; hahdly can he even believe zhat zhe out-of-shape man he confronts is actually Peetuh Pan. Hook continues keeping his children hostage while Pan works back into shape with zhe other Lost Boy pirates in Neverland—a long, disgusting process zhat’s absolutely not worth mentioning here, dahling. In short, zhe Pan boy, through running hundreds of laps and using his imagination to conjure a “happy thought,” finally becomes able to fly and wield a sword. After all, dahling, luck favors zhe prepared. His transformation, though dramatic, is neither heroic nor incredible, and if you’re begging to waste your time you really must see it for yourself.

Meanwhile, Hook—oh, zhat cape just repulses me, dahling, repulses me!—begins a campaign to win over Pan’s son, Jack—zhe Jack I know is faaaah more adorable and incredible, I assure you, dahling—by planting misgivings about his dad’s love. No doubt such a plan began to work in zhe first place because zhe Jack boy lacked an amazing aunt (ahem, like myself) to curb zhe bitterness resulting from his father’s absence… In any case, Peetuh Pan recognizes his son’s alienation and mildly despairs; yet with zhe help of zhe Lost Boys, he faces his enemy with courage! Towards zhe end, Hook simply becomes too slow with his heavy cape—somehow even slower than zhe over-weight Peetuh Pan—and meets a ruinous end, causing Pan to once again be deemed a hero by his children and pirate boys.

Really, dahling, I am fah too busy to recount such a primitive movie. Peetuh Pan disregahded his children because he was too caught up in his successful business—zhis is precisely why I have no children, dahling— and in so doing, he became zhe bad guy. But zhe key lesson is zhat he pulled himself togethuh and redeemed himself. Yes, done properly, parenting is a heroic act… done properly. When you make a mistake, there’s no time for regret and self-pity and moping and melodrama. No—pull yourself together! Go! Confront zhe problem! Fight! Win!
Never look back, dahling. It distracts from zhe now. Learn from Peetuh Pan and be determined to fix your future and your life. It will be bold. Dramatic! Heroic!

 

 

Sources:

“Hook Movie Wallpapers.” Wallpaper Cave, Caveman, 2020, wallpapercave.com/wp/wp5680171.jpg.

Joseph, Sue. “Edna Mode Stands on Top of Table in The Incredibles.” The Incredible Edna Quotes , QuotesGram, cdn.quotesgram.com/img/61/95/107838237-Edna-Mode-stands-on-top-of-table-in-The-Incredibles.jpg.

Oh My Disney. Words Are Useless…unless They Come from Edna Mode: Movies. 15 Apr. 2016, ohmy.disney.com/movies/2013/08/25/words-are-useless-unless-they-come-from-edna-mode/.

Quotes, Movie and TV. “The Best Edna Mode Quotes From ‘The Incredibles’.” Ranker, www.ranker.com/list/best-edna-mode-quotes-the-incredibles/movie-and-tv-quotes.

 

9 Comments

  1. LOL I LOVE THE WAY YOU TALKED LIKE EDNA

  2. oh my dearest word😂

  3. EDNAAAAAAAA

    loved it

  4. Pull yourself together! Go! Confront zhe problem! Fight! Win!

    XDDDDDDDDDDDD

  5. absolutely GENIUS i loved it

  6. LOL EDNA IS SOO FUNNY! XD

  7. great job!! and i wonder if some one will ever do some thing that is about back 2 the future 3.