Arts & Culture

Gollum Tells You About Hats

In a cave deep beneath the Misty Mountains, in the pitch black, tied against a hard, cold rock… lies your beloved fashion columnist, unconscious. Nearby is a swift plunking noise, as if something is crawling up from a pool of water in the darkness and coming closer. 

Bronwyn stirs and starts to come around, cracking an eyelid only to be met with two glowing, yellow orbs of light slinking towards her. 

Gollum: not having noticed she’s awake yet She must have the precious, my love, she must! We must get the precious! It must be in her pocketsessss!

Bronwyn: speaking calmly Hello, Gollum.

Gollum: Ach! It’s aliveeee, precious; the hobbit is alive!

Bronwyn: I’m not that short, am I?

Gollum: Then what are you, precious?

Bronwyn: A junior in high school.

Gollum: We don’t knows what that is…but we must eat you!

Bronwyn: I don’t think you want to do that.

Gollum: Whyyyy precious? Why not?

Bronwyn: laughingly Because I have a clay article due today, and if it doesn’t get turned in on time, my friends will come looking for me.

Gollum: with a wry smile Sooooo, if we lets you turn in your article, then we can eat you?

Bronwyn: Well, technically speaking—

Gollum: We accepts! Write your article!

Bronwyn: But I need my hands, Gollum. I have to type it out.

Gollum: considers this for a moment No, we cannot let you get away. We types it for you. What’s this article about?

Bronwyn: It’s supposed to be about the history of hats…hang on…you can type?

Gollum: has fished Bronwyn’s laptop from her backpack and after scowling at the picture of Eowyn on her lock screen, he opens Word. 

We knows how to type, yes precious. Now, about the hatses!

The first straw hatses were in drawings in a tomb near Thebes, my loves. These kinds of hatses were popular in the ancient cultureses in hotter places. Hobbitses in colder places needed leather and fur capses.

Bronwyn: Humans, Gollum, humans.

Gollum: rolls eyes You interrupts us!

Later on, the top hat was created by George Dunnage, wasn’t it, precious? Yes, and the first time it was worn in public, the man who sported it gots himself a 500 pound fine! Indeed precious, yes. Top hatses were worn by lots of the proper gentlemen and inspired characters like the Mad Hatter.

The idea of a “mad hatter” came to be in 17th century France, when mercury started being used for the making of felt hatses. The effectses of this often caused hat makers to have strange mood swings and flamboyant behavior, yes precious.

Many other typeses of hatses were made, my loves, like the Fedora, Bowler, and Derby hatses. The hat had started as protection from harsh weather, but it had changed into a statement of society and high fashion.

Bronwyn: Gollum?

Gollum: turns, seething at being interrupted again

Bronwyn: It’s almost Easter, I was planning on mentioning that old trend of Easter bonnets–
Gollum: Yesssss! Yes of course, precious, we didn’t forgets that, no we didn’t!

Well, you see my loves, after the church season of Lent, people often bought new outfits, especially getting ready for Easter Sunday with their best clothes. And at the end of the Civil War, there became a trend know as an Easter Parade, first held by those leaving St. Patrick’s Cathedral on Fifth Avenue in 1870.

Bonnets, my loves, are hatses that fasten under the chinses. As the yearses went by, the hatses got more and more crazy, as you can see my loves.

While Gollum has been talking, your crafty (no pun intended) fashion columnist has been cutting herself loose with a seam ripper. Upon placing the blade back into her jacket, she feels something else in her pocket, and lying back down against the rock, she holds the rope across herself to make it look as if it’s never been cut.

 Gollum: And we hopes that you all enjoyed reading this article! Under Bronwyn’s direction, he sends the article to her editor and places her laptop back in her backpack.

 Bronwyn: I can’t thank you enough, Gollum. I really was going to have a hard time writing that article with all the schoolwork I need to catch up on from being stuck down here for however long it’s been. I can only hope I’ll be granted an extension… although, I doubt they’ll believe me.

Gollum: She won’t be needing any extensionses. No, she won’t, my love! And with a shriek, he lunges towards Bronwyn.

 But she has mysteriously vanished, and all that is left is the piteous scream of Gollum, having lost his prey.

 

Gollum’s Resources:

http://www.historyofhats.net

http://hatbox.com/hat-history.cfm

https://theeternalheadonist.com/theeternalheadonistblogthe-history-of-the-easter-bonnet-/

http://www.corrosion-doctors.org/Elements-Toxic/Mercury-mad-hatter.htm

Gollum’s Photo Credits:

https://editorial.rottentomatoes.com/article/most-memorable-movie-moments-two-towers-smeagol-and-gollum/

https://theeternalheadonist.com/theeternalheadonistblogthe-history-of-the-easter-bonnet-/

http://www.corrosion-doctors.org/Elements-Toxic/Mercury-mad-hatter.htm

37 Comments

  1. hahahaha that was awesome!!! Totally made my day 🤣🤣🤣

    Great job, Bronwyn!!

  2. Watch out Bronwyn, Gollum might take your job ;-D

  3. This is a great story! I love it! GJ Bronwyn!

  4. LOL Great Job!!

  5. How did you get captured by Gollum?? We demand a prequel! Let me rephrase that, we demand a prequel unnecessarily stretched into a long, dragged-out trilogy!

  6. Mary Poppins (jk it's Daisy Page ;)

    Hahaha XD Great job!

  7. Love this! Especially the seam ripper – that was a genius move XD

  8. this was absolutely precious

  9. Bahahaha that was hilarious, awesome job!!!

  10. Does anyone other than me think Gollum is cute? I mean look at those eyeses!!!!
    Great writing by the ways! 🙂

  11. He is pretty creepy in the picture at the beginning, but in other pictures he is adorable.

  12. Thank you so much y’all! So glad to provide you with a laugh : )

  13. LOLOLOL!!!! Oh my goodness, this was brilliant. 😂😂😂 Wonderful work, amica!!! 💖

  14. Hahaha thats cute. Poor gollum.

  15. You should have paid Gollum for his services

  16. This was wonderfullll xD I absolutely love how you used Gollum in the article and it was very much amusing x)

    Yes, my precious, my love, ivery amusing it was. -nods- #LOTRFTW

  17. Tell Gollum I think he’s an amazing writer. And also that I have his Precious in my pocket. And also that I am NOT a Hobbit, I am a Elf.
    Loved this article!

  18. I am speechless…gj

  19. as LOTR and fashion history nerd i found this article so amusing i have loved your other articles so as soon as i saw this i knew i had to read it!!

  20. This is so funny even though the gollum is soooooo creepy.

  21. Thank you so much y’all! Ik I didn’t reply to each of you, but thank you so much for all of your support! It really keeps me going! I’m so glad y’all enjoyed it! And indeed, #LOTRFTW

  22. I find it sort of sad that he has to contain even more misery after losing the ring and then a few little times later he will get tortured for information. But really nicely written, it was fun reading it!

  23. Oh my work, this is the most beautiful thing I’ve read in ages! You captured Gollum so flawessly XD I’m highly impressed! I could hear his voice in my head as I read.

    …out of curiosity where did Gollum learn about hats?

  24. This was awesome Bronwyn!! Haha I can’t believe the first person to wear a top hat was fined XD.

  25. This is really enjoyable Bronwyn! And the facts about hats are intriguing!

  26. the chicks on the easter hat are so cute!

  27. IM OBSESSED W THIS WTH