We do not merely watch Marvel movies because they’re insanely awesome. Nay, we watch them so that we might garner knowledge and become wiser, more sensible humans. So, grab some shawarma, read, and be enlightened!
#10: Try not to seriously offend people, they will probably come back to kill you – Iron Man
If you’re the guy who designed his first circuit board at age four, hacked into the Pentagon as a high schooler, and became the CEO of a multi-billion-dollar corporation, I see why you might feel like you’re a bit better than everyone. Because of this, you might think you can say any insulting thing that pops into your brain. However, do yourself a favor and refrain because people aren’t going to be all nice and forgiving. No, they’re going to hunt you down, destroy your million-dollar home, take your wife hostage, turn your friends against you–just a lot of things you probably don’t have time to deal with right now.
#9: Do not give away your fancy computer glasses to a man you met two days ago – Spiderman
First of all, if you should have the incredibly good luck of actually inheriting a pair of ultra-modern high-tech glasses, um… how? Also, where can I get some? Second of all, with this highly valuable item in your possession, you’re going to want to be extremely careful with it. Shine it five plus times a day, store it in its own room upon a velvet pillow, purchase a laser gun to keep away burglars, I could go on. But NOWHERE on this list would “bequeath it to a thirty-year-old man I met two days ago” appear.
#8: Never, ever, ever, EVER trust Loki – Thor
If there is one thing (and the only thing) you can trust Loki for, it’s that you cannot trust him. You follow me? No. Relenting. Ever. Don’t just stand there waiting for him to stab you or turn into a snake or fake his death. Smack him with your hammer, or whooping crane kick him, or perform some off-putting bird noises! Fight the urge to see the best in others! Yes, Tom Hiddleston is somewhat good looking and yes British accents do make everyone sound more refined, but no, do not let that fool you. So, keep this in mind for all the Lokis in your life, you know who they are…
#7: If a guy claiming to be your dad shows up, do not board his spaceship – Starlord
This one is pretty self-explanatory. I mean, strange, bearded man, claims of fatherhood, iffy explanation, weird looking insect-lady, foreboding white vehicle–quite a few red flags in this situation. The large, white vehicle alone should be warning enough; this dude is either a kidnapper or a homeschooler, and unless advanced calculus and Persian history are your jam, neither of those options will end well for you. Or, what if he turns out to be a lunatic demi-god-planet combo who murdered your mom, and will squish your precious Walkman? So, let’s play it safe, for the sake of you and the Walkman.
#6: Do not give your home address to an evil serial killer – Iron Man
No. Just……no. Please don’t do this. Ever. There are zero ways this could end well.
#5: Before you become a murderous villain, be sure to have a good backstory – every MCU villain
All you people out there planning on becoming maniacal, murderous villains, listen up. Here’s some advice: nobody wants to hear that you’ve become an evil sicko just because you’re “bad.” Unless you want to put your audience to sleep, you need something better. Something with pizzaz, with flavor, with a little cha cha cha. Three words: early childhood adversity. Your classmates, your pet, your babysitter, your adopted brother, your second cousin–they all qualify. Audiences will love you. Your backwards desire to murder the human race can clearly be traced to when that kid tripped you on the playground. Logic!
#4: Before sacrificing your life, make sure you’ve considered all the options – Captain America
If you should ever chance to find yourself piloting a plane of bombs into the ice, you need to do some serious thinking. Does this plane have ejector seats? Parachutes? An opening hatch to eject the pilot-less bombs into the arctic snow? Could I turn the plane around? Could I try to land smoothly? Could I use this indestructible shield of mine and bust through this glass window and land/roll safely on the ground below before crashing? Ask yourself these questions! You’ve got a dance to attend! I mean, if you don’t, that’s ok. Things will probably work out just fine anyway…
#3: Texting while driving is always a bad idea – Doctor Strange
This one might come as a shocker, it’s not as if people are constantly warning us about this sort of thing. But, believe it or not, engaging in cellphone usage while in the process of driving a vehicle is actually a really, really bad idea, especially if you happen to be driving said vehicle on the edge of a cliff in the pitch black of the night. Also, answer me this: do you value your hands? It’s ok if you don’t, but do you? I have no idea how you responded to that, but remember, hands have feelings too. Drive safe, they will thank you. That’s all I’m saying.
#2: Never. Underestimate. Rats. – the MCU
If there’s one thing Stuart Little, Cinderella, Mrs. Frisby, Despereaux, The Rescuers, Peter Pettigrew, Ratatouille, and Reepicheep have taught us, it’s that rodents are furry geniuses in disguise. We set traps for them in our homes when really, we should embrace them with open arms! Those who label Tony Stark as Endgame’s hero are mistaken. For, if a certain rat hadn’t happened to wander into the storage unit that happened to house Hank Pym’s van and happened to press his paw on a button that happened to be the one that released Scott Lang from the Quantum Realm, Tony would have never left his cozy, woodland cabin.
#1: Showing mercy to your enemies is always the way to go – Black Panther
We’re not really sure what it was about this one, but something about it just made us think: “Hey, mercy! That sounds like number one sort of material, right? Sure!” Apparently this whole “showing mercy and kindness” to people who “have wronged and hurt you” is… a good idea? It’s probably in the Bible or something because I’m pretty sure nobody has ever said this in history (or at least on television, which is just as good). Mostly you hear “get back at those who hurt you, they deserve what’s coming, make them pay!” But T’Challa is super smart, so he’s probably right…
And that just goes to show that even if you’re an all-powerful superhero, you can still do some extremely dumb things. Congratulations, you’re now smarter than the Avengers. We could do this all day, but you’ve probably got other things to attend to…