Isabel Rogers • Charlie Su • Elva Lu • Claire McDaniel • Joshua Wideman • Sierra Bostwick • Elise Kersten • Erika Yee • Alanya Carlock • Hannah Wong • Nathanael Choi • Sabina Boyer • Sarah Sears • Isabel Yang • Eliana Isom • Hannah Cook • Emily Huang • Sakshi Koli • Laura Cervantez • Julia Holmgren
Disclaimer: This article contains quotes inspired by famous movie quotes over the last several decades. All copyrights belong to them.
One could say that Freddie was a greedy boy. Others would say that he was just ambitious and excitable. Those close to him would just admit that he really loved his cereal and the little pond in front of his house to fish (whether for luck or for fish, no one knew). In fact one could say he had no ambition or greed other than his desire for the continual consumption of his delectably delightable Lucky Charms cereal. The fact was that Freddie was feeling what someone might call under-inspired after having concocted the highly contagious and widespread I-Do-But-I-Don’t virus. Conversations with him always ended something similar to the conversation recorded just five minutes ago:
“I want to eat, but I don’t want to eat!”
“What are you talking about, son?” his mother would ask.
“I just want to do school! But I don’t want to do school. I want to make sense, but I’m not making sense!!”
Yes, this was a tragedy for sure. Eventually, his parents just let him fish and eat cereal all day. After all, it was a better pastime than listening to the bizarre arguments that often ensued in the house. Their only hope was that he might eventually become lucky and overcome his serious case of the IDBID virus.
It was during one strange morning as Freddie sat beside the pond, fishing pole in one hand and cereal box in the other, when he heard a strange “Psst!” He looked around confused. To his knowledge, no one was anywhere near him. At least, that is if you do not count the occasional pesky lizard trying to steal his fishing bait or the one particular ant single-handedly trying valiantly to drag a piece of Lucky Charm cereal fifteen sizes too big for him to his home a dozen feet away.
“Down here!” the voice repeated. Freddie, suddenly realizing that the voice did not come from the curious lizard peering at him, glanced at the box of cereal he was holding. To his great astonishment, the person talking to him was not a person at all but the green clad Irish boy whose picture was painted on the front of the box. He screamed in surprise, throwing the box away from him. “Pft, how rude to throw your friends like that,” the boy grunted as he miraculously jumped out of the box and sat himself upright, casually dusting himself off. “So much for being a Lucky Charmer. Being me, you don’t get lucky very often.”
“It’s alive! It’s alive! W-what is it?” Freddie asked, finally finding the words in his mouth.
“Funny you might ask. ‘It’ is a Lucky Charmer, my boy.”
“Like a genie?”
“Nothing like a genie at all, my boy. I don’t do anything as disgusting as granting wishes. That’s a job for the Unlucky Charmers. I’m a Lucky Charmer.” If Freddie had been trying to hide his obvious confusion and incredulity, he had failed spectacularly. (KOO).
“I was once a little boy just like you. But one day, when I reached for a refill of Lucky Charms after devouring twenty cereal boxes, I was sucked into the cardboard box.” (LU).
Recalling the hundreds of cereal boxes he himself had consumed over the past few years, Freddie stared blankly at the Lucky Charmer, perplexed. Still, he stayed silent in disbelief, allowing the green clad boy to continue on with his rant. (HUANG).
“The sugary goodness contained inside these boxes allows Lucky Charmers like me to give luck to avid cereal eaters such as yourself… if you’re lucky enough to get me to like you.” (WIDEMAN).
Freddie scratched his head. “I’m not very good at getting people to like me, but would it be possible to trade you my ‘World’s Greatest Grandpa’ mug for your favor instead?” (BOYER).
“Do I look like a grandpa to you?” growled the Lucky Charmer as he straightened his suspiciously lumpy vest, clumsily readjusting the green bowler hat that had slipped over his brow. (HOLMGREN).
“Well, no,” began Freddie, who had suddenly noticed something. “But yes! Well, no… Wait, what’s that sticking out of your vest?”
“What, this?” the Lucky Charmer grunted. “It’s my handy dandy List-of-things-people-can-do-to-make-me-like-them, for your sort,” and a lilac colored piece of parchment rolled from the depths of his fuzzy vest on and on until it tumbled into the pond with a little ‘plop.’ (MCDANIEL).
“No! My list! I spent hours compiling that; I am so obnoxiously opinionated!” the Lucky Charmer shrieked as he hurled aside his green bowler with quite some flair and plunged headfirst into the pond. (KERSTEN).
Springing back to avoid the showers of blessings (which in fact was the water filled with the Cheetos the clever fish had not taken as bait), Freddie rubbed his eyes once, then twice, before staring straight ahead in disbelief as the Lucky Charmer suddenly disappeared from the face of the earth, barely noticing the Cheeto perched at the top of his head. (YEE).
“Hmm…” Freddie pondered. “That Charmer guy muddles my already confused brain. I like him, but then again, I don’t.” And with that he skipped back home to munch on yet another bowl of Captain Crunch. (CHOI).
Having barely swallowed his first bite of the crunchy munchy Captain Crunch, Freddie noticed something green on the usually blue area of the box.
“You dare eat that nasty stuff after I have blessed you with my most delightful presence?” cried the Lucky Charmer. (CERVANTEZ).
Freddie sighed, hoping the whole ordeal had been a dream, but alas he knew it was reality as the Lucky Charmer sprung from the box onto solid ground once again, his hands on his hips, his face contorted into what he supposed was a look of rage. However, the fact was that his face resembled that of a stunned gazelle and a bamboozled hippo. (KOO).
“I-I-I’m sorry, sir,” Freiddie stuttered. “It won’t happen aga-” but before he could finish his sentence, Freddie found himself spinning through space. (HOLMGREN).
Freddie transcended up and up and up, watching as the colors blue and purple whirled around him. “What’s this?” he wondered aloud, though his breath was caught between the words. (COOK).
“This, my young friend,” cried the Lucky Charmer, suddenly springing into existence before his eyes, “is the great Confusion Beyond! All of the thoughts, hopes, dreams, and wishes in the world are stored here for great Lucky Boys like me to access!” (BOYER).
“Hey, Mister!” called an exasperated Freddie, “I am beyond greatly confused by this ‘great Confusion Beyond,’ so can you kindly take me back to my precious bowl of cereal before it gets soggy and-” but before he could say “gross” a blueish-purple orb crashed at his feet. (MCDANIEL).
With a ferocious battle cry, no less than twenty-seven Trix rabbits appeared out of nowhere, hurling enormous Trix balls at the pair and prompting Freddie to mutter, “Now I’m beyond beyond greatly confused.” (WIDEMAN).
“I heard that, silly kid!” shouted one of the Trix rabbits. “My ears don’t miss much you know, ahaha! You may be confused by the confusion now, but in time, you will learn to embrace it until order is the only thing that confuses your little noggin, ohohoho!” he called over his shoulder as he and the other rabbits danced away, continuing to hurl Trix balls in every direction. (KERSTEN).
By this point Freddie decided he must be dreaming and proceeded to slap himself multiple times. It was then he realized a fish head was in his hand! Freddie screamed and ran away, the Trix rabbits following him like rabbits after a carrot. Throwing the fish head at the rather confusing rabbits, Freddie yelled at the Lucky Charmer, “Get me out of here!” (ISOM).
The Lucky Charmer hesitated for a moment before grabbing Freddie’s hand. Freddie found himself, once again, spinning through space. “I’m gonna be sick!” Freddie screamed, but the Lucky Charmer did not hear him. (ROGERS).
The fact was, Freddie was sure he saw a glint of glee and laughter on the Lucky Charmer’s perfectly round head. He had planned this all along–he had made the fish appear in his hands. (KOO).
CLONK! Freddie jolted awake to see that his spoon had fallen onto the floor and his bowl of Captain Crunch was spilled all over the table. He rubbed his eyes and blinked in confusion. “Wha….?” (YANG)
“Tsk, tsk, tsk…” The Lucky Charmer paced in front of an utterly confused Freddie, who’s stomach growled as he reached for one tasty piece of cereal rolling away from him. “Not so fast!” The Lucky Charmer snapped his fingers, and Freddie’s cereal, along with his bowl and spoon, vanished into thin air. (COOK).
“You must learn to control your temptations to eat this mediocre cereal,” he continued. “Think about what you really want and what you truly wish for. Only then will you find your luck.” (CERVANTEZ).
Freddie considered a moment before admitting, “I want to be normal, but I don’t want to be normal.” Smacking himself in the head, he cried, “See! I can’t even make a wish normally!” (BOYER).
“Aha!” smirked the Lucky Charmer. “You’re one of those young fools. Well well, in that case, you better follow me.” And the Lucky Charmer grabbed Freddie’s hand and darted towards the box of Lucky Charms cereal. (YANG).
For the third time that day, Freddie found himself whirling dizzily through space, the Lucky Charmer transporting him into the absurd world of a cardboard box. (HUANG).
“What is that, what is it not?!” Freddie cried, wincing as he fell down onto a pile of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The pile of Chrunchies began to shift as the Lucky Charmer danced eagerly in the air, declaring mystically,
“I will grant your wish,
If only you find,
Something to keep away those that mind.”
He added after a pause, “And of course, when I say those that mind, I mean those Crunchies.” (ISOM).
“Say what?” Freddie quickly sat up straight. “Keep away those Crunchies? And how will I…” He stopped abruptly upon catching the Lucky Charmer snickering gleefully. “Yes, yes, of course, I can definitely find a way to keep those sneaky Crunchies out of my sight,” he sighed, and the dialogue slowly became a monologue of Freddie’s absurd ideas. (YEE).
“Think Freddie. Think. What do crunchies hate?”
“Well, my choir teacher always said I had the voice of a strangled donkey, maybe I should sing something? Here goes nothing…ohhh, wheeere is my hairbrush, oh! Oww! My toe! What is that? Glowing in the cereal?” (MCDANIEL).
Before Freddie could say anything more, the Crunchies around him began to shiver and shake. “Enjoy your new friends!” screamed the Trix rabbit leader, who had thrown the glowing cereal piece. The Crunchies stood to their feet, which had suddenly popped into existence a moment before, and began moving towards Freddie, reaching out menacingly with their newly formed arms. (WIDEMAN).
“Don’t just stand there, do something!” the Lucky Charmer called, cackling gleefully. (ROGERS). “Which would be worse? To live with IDBID or die a good man, cured forever!” (KOO).
“I can’t!” Freddie screamed, trying to find his friend amidst the sea of Crunchies that were encircling him. All of a sudden, a fish head was once again in his hands. With newfound courage, Freddie smacked a Chrunchie with the fish head and it toppled into a heap of crumbs. (ROGERS).
“That’s it!” the Lucky Charmer applauded. “You can defeat your cravings!”
Freddie continued to smack the Crunchies with his new fish head sword, and they always burst into a pile of crumbs when he did so. “Am I doing it?” he shouted, concealing his eyes with his left arm so the crumbs wouldn’t blind him. “Yes, yes! You’re doing good, my friend!” The Lucky Charmer exclaimed. But when Freddie moved his arm out from in front of his eyes, the biggest Crunchie he’s ever seen stood in his path. (COOK).
The Chrunchie dramatically narrowed his eyes and roared. He wielded a longsword made out of–Freddie’s mouth dropped open in shock. It was a longsword made out of beef! Who would dare use a beef sword?! Freddie found a new feeling rise deep within his chest. Anger. (ISOM).
Not knowing what to do with this newfound anger, Freddie decided to charge at the beef-longsword wielding Crunchie. (SEARS).
“I’m the king of the world!!” the Crunchie King shouted, swinging his beef sword wildly.
Before he even knew what hit him, Freddie was lying face-flat on the ground, grimacing in pain. He tilted his head sideways somewhat disoriented. “Ch-ch-armie-e…” he mumbled. “I n-need-d a M-Mini W-Wheat… S-STAT. It g-g-gives-s m-me P-POWER!” (CHOI).
The Lucky Charmer cried out against Freddie’s mumblings, but it was all in vain for all too soon his cravings would be consuming him while the Lucky Charmer could do nothing but stand there. (CARLOCK) “What have I done?! I didn’t mean to hurt the poor child! I just wanted to cure him of IDBID!” he shouted in desperation. But then his eye caught the fish head lying beside Freddie’s limp form. With renewed vigor, the Lucky Charmer rolled Freddie onto his back, seized the fish head in both hands, and began urgently slapping it across Freddie’s face while muttering charms to keep the giant Crunchie at bay. (KERSTEN).
Freddie slowly opened his eyes and looked up at the Lucky Charmer. Not realizing he had revived his friend, the Lucky Charmer continued to slap the fish head across poor Freddie’s face. (ROGERS).
“Stop it! I’m alive!” yelled Freddie. The Lucky Charmer hesitated for a second, but then his eyes lit up and he began slapping the boy’s face with the fish head frantically.
“Tell me, boy,” he began excitedly. “Do. You. Want. Me to stop slapping you??” (CERVANTEZ).
“YES. I. WANT. YOU. TO. STOP!” Freddie screamed at the top of his lungs. Silence. The Charmer smirked. “Behold the power of fish heads, lad. You are officially healed of your virus.” (CHOI).
Cautiously, Freddie stood up not knowing whether or not he truly could believe the words of the Lucky Charmer. He silently questioned if he was actually healed. (CARLOCK).
“I want to get out of here,” he said tentatively half expecting the words, “but I don’t!” to burst out, but nothing happened. His face lit up in an instant. “I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE!” he shouted, laughing freely in genuine happiness. (KOO).
Yes, Freddie was actually healed… just as he was now actually surrounded by the giant Crunchies, which he and the Lucky Charmer had completely forgotten about during their fish-slapping session. Fixing a determined look on his no longer uncertain face, he grabbed the fish head from his Lucky Charmer of a doctor and prepared to slap for his life. “I’ll handle these guys,” he muttered to his friend, “You find the Trix rabbits.” (WIDEMAN).
Freddie prepared for battle against the giant crunchies, but wasn’t sure how to defeat them without any help. He was severely outnumbered. (SEARS).
Suddenly, a giant Crunchie charged towards him, flooding Freddie’s nose with cinnamon. Before the Crunchie could flatten him, however, it began to quiver and was lifted into the air, rendered powerless by some unknown force. A pair of little green ears caught Freddie’s eye… (MCDANIEL). The Lucky Charmer had done it. He had single-handedly vanquished the Crunchie King.
With a swoosh, the pair of them found themselves no longer within the box of cereal but back inside the house. Freddie and the Lucky Charmer looked at each other in stunned silence before bursting out into laughter. Freddie had finally overcome his serious case of IDBID, and he had survived the whole ordeal without ending up with a Crunchie stuffed up his nose. It turns out, the only thing he needed was not the fight of a lifetime with Crunchies or Trix rabbits or finding his secret pleasure in smacking things with fish, but a friend, and he had just found his one-of-a-kind friend.
“I never told you my real name,” the Lucky Charmer said, serious once again. “Bond. Jack Bond.”
“You talking to me?” Freddie asked, snapping out of his stupor.
“Have you been listening to me at all, boy?”
“Ah, right! Names! So elementary, my dear Watson,” he says with a dramatic flair.
“Hah, you weren’t listening!” But there is a smile on his face. The Lucky Charmer had also found a friend. Then before their very eyes, they witnessed something quite miraculous. Jack, the Lucky Charmer, was growing taller and taller until he had taken the height of an eleven-year-old boy–just like Freddie.
“I’m a boy!!” Jack shouted. But they looked up in shock as a young woman walked into the room. She looks stunned at the two.
“Freddie…” she begins.
“I’m cured!” Freddie exclaimed.
“Oh, my honey bunny buttons!” she exclaims as she pulls Freddie into the largest bear hug one could have ever imagined.
“Okay, a little too much,” Freddie grunted. He could see Jack, the former Lucky Charmer, smirking, holding back his giggles. Freddie glared at him.
“I’ll be back!” Jack shouts as he races out the house. “You know who you are. You know who I am. If you’re looking for a cure, I can tell you I don’t have one. But what do I have? An unlimited supply of fish-slappers! Fish-slappers I have acquired over a very long career. Fish-slappers that make me the best Lucky Charmer you could have wished for. If you let go of your IDBID, I won’t bother you. I will not let beef-wielding Crunchie Kings chase after you. But if you can’t let go of your IDBID, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will slap you with so many fish, you will find yourself with more than IDBID: The Giggle Virus. Farewell!” (KOO).
Photo Credits: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQ7hdZZw7aE