Tired of all those barely developed, plastic romances? Sick of watching “perfect” couples who are “so happy?” There’s got to be something better! Introducing ten picture-perfect couples that will demonstrate what real love looks like.
#10: Mr. Paris and Miss Helen
There might have been a teeny-tiny bit of goddess-meddling involved in this one, but aside from that, Paris and Helen were just meant for each other. They even started the ten-year long Trojan war because of their relationship that has romance painted all over it. Their story is a literal Hallmark movie: a big-city queen who wasn’t looking for love (mostly because she already has a husband) just happens to meet a handsome, small-town guy. The two spend a few days together, and bam! You are a few cheesy romance montages away from one extremely genuine relationship.
#9: Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy
At number nine we have everyone’s favorite blonde-haired, green clad, pure-blooded couple: the Malfoys. Although the amount of time these two lovebirds spent together was rare… very rare… if their son Draco is any indicator of the quality of their relationship, then we can be sure it must have been utterly posh, spoiled, and smug to the nth degree. They led the life every couple can only dream of: a majestic manor for a home, the breathtaking English countryside for a backyard, and a supremely evil, murderous dark lord for a boss! That, folks, is called “having it all.”
#8: Mr. and Mrs. Oleson
Back when you were an eight-year-old homeschooling girl and excitedly read Little House on the Prairie or an eight-year-old homeschooling boy forced to begrudgingly read Little House on the Prairie, let’s be honest. We didn’t read it for Laura, or Mary, or even crazy old Mr. Edwards. We read it for the Olesons baby! She’s hysterical, he’s… somewhere else. It’s THE definition of a functional marriage. Just look at their model daughter, Nellie. That tells you everything you need to know. With Harriet’s domineering spirit and Nels’ unperturbed personality, there’s nothing this couple can’t do, including terrorizing their entire prairie community…
#7: Mr. Skywalker and Miss Amidala
Even though Anakin was only nine years old when he first met the teenage queen Amidala, and eventually became a jedi who was supposed to have zero affections for anyone, I see no red flags in this relationship at all whatsoever! Not only was Anakin a master of pod-racing, he was a master of romancing women. What could be more romantic than those three little words, “I hate sand?” After all, it is coarse, and rough, and also irritating. And it gets everywhere. If you’re not swooning yet, there must be something wrong with you.
#6: Mr. Larry the Cucumber and Miss Manatee
Some might call a relationship between a stuffed manatee and talking cucumber silly, childish, or literally impossible. But those people haven’t met Larry and Barbara yet. “Endangered love” is where it’s at! There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but Barbara is quite possibly the only dancing manatee in the sea. Also, Dancing with the Stars has clearly overlooked the dancing sensation to top all others. Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were fine. Zack Efron and Zendaya were ok. Belle and the Beast were… meh. But Larry and Barbara? Utter and complete perfection. The dips, the lifts, the looks of deepest concentration. Bravo.
#5: Mr. Marty and Miss Lorraine
Remember back to the last time you were a skateboarding, rock-loving teenager who travelled back in time to 1953 in a souped-up DeLorean and accidentally ran into your mother who immediately fell head over heels in love with you? Wait, that’s never happened to you? Then you haven’t lived romance, my friend. Marty and Lorraine, though, they’ve got something special. Marty would probably call it “gross” but we think he’s just hiding his true feelings. These two had major chemistry; it was off the charts. Or, at least Lorraine had an extremely strong grip, which is just as good.
#4: Mr. and Mrs. Thenardier
Loving, compassionate, pure of heart. Three very appropriate words to describe… literally any couple BUT this one. Words more in the vein of sickly, conniving, and cruel come to mind. But boy do the Thenardiers know how to make you extremely, gut wrenchingly uncomfortable, and that is called teamwork! This couple manages to lie, cheat, steal, fail at raising their own children, fail at raising other people’s children, crash the weddings of random strangers, perform full-out dance numbers, and make it look easy. Relationship goals, am I right?
#3: Mr. and Mrs. Macbeth
When it comes to quality dates, some would choose a pleasant candlelit dinner at an Italian bistro. Others would choose a peaceful stroll through a moonlit park. Still others would choose to manipulate their partner into killing the king and then cover up for him by framing some unsuspecting servants. You’ve got options! Find yourself gravitating towards that last one? You can thank the Macbeths for that killer date, it’s literally to die for. Funny enough, that is exactly what happened to the Macbeths afterwards! But let’s get one thing straight: violently whispering “screw your courage to the sticking place!” is hands down the pickup line of the century.
#2: Mr. Phantom and Miss Daaé
Ahh, Phantom and Christine, they have shown us what it is to love, to lose, and to sing high Cs. And, most importantly, to master the art of the perfect date. First, constantly bring up your date’s deceased father, in fact, pretend to be him at one point. Then, show her around your dark, dank, and dingy basement where you have somehow managed to live for the past forty plus years. Next, have some nice, creepy organ music playing the whole time, and finally, show off your lovely, mannequin replica of her. And there should be fog. Lots of fog.
#1: Mr. and Mrs. Bennet
At number one we have the incomparable Mr. and Mrs. Bennet! These two could agree on absolutely nothing, and it was beautiful. The shouting, the yelling, the high-pitched screaming. Ah, music to our ears. Forget “You had me at hello.” Mrs. Bennet had us at “mIsTaH bEnNeTtT!” As for Mr. Bennet, we hereby bestow upon him the ultimate participation award. His arsenal of participation tactics had no equal – the smile and nod, the newspaper escape, the manufactured amusement expression. And let us not forget the power of doors. They shut, they lock, they sometimes block noises. Mr. Bennet had them down to a science, a science that could even last full days. In the end, this couple stuck it out, through thick, thin, five daughters, and some very poor nerves.
Now THAT, my TPS friends, is the gold standard we should be striving for in relationships. Finding the right words to say or the best date night plan never looked so easy.
Mr. and Mrs. Bennet: https://www.perioddramas.com/images/2/3.jpg