Oh! Well, hello boys and girls! I didn’t see you there, hohoho! Tis the season of Christmas, bringing with it joy, good cheer, and an abundance of masterfully written songs. So, during this special time of the year, let’s take a moment to recognize some of these deeply profound lyrics. Have some tissues handy.
#10: “And mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again.”
Hahaha, what a great chuckle those lyrics bring. Parents who loathe spending time with their children – how moving! How touching! How heartwarming! It really breaks the trend of prioritizing “family” during Christmas. But hey, way to be original! Oh, and just try and forget the fact that they are obviously NOT referring to homeschooling parents… or literally ANY parent alive in the year 2020 for that matter. Back to school for kids means back to school for mom and dad means back to the horrors of fractions, conjugations, chemistry, actual grammar, timelines, grades, and singing the skip-counting songs at the top of your lungs. But hey, it’s still a heartwarming song, right?
#9: “They wouldn’t let poor Rudolph join in any Reindeer games.”
At #9 we have Rudolph: a true martyr for the cause of Christmas. Dear Rudolph, our hearts truly sympathize with you! All those wonderful Reindeer games, and he couldn’t play any of them. Also, I’m just wasting away wondering what types of games these Reindeer play. Monopoly? Jackbox? The Reindeer equivalent of Fortnite? Sounds pretty difficult what with the hooves and antlers getting in the way, but apparently, they were quite the games. But Rudolph bore his game-probation like a champ, until that foggy Christmas Eve when his fellow Reindeer suddenly turned a one hundred and eighty and loved their friend once more. Now that’s friendship.
#8: “This year, to save me from tears I’ll give it to someone special.”
We tried to fit the lyrics to this entire song on the list, because literally every phrase of this song is a masterpiece, but it exceeded the word limit. Crazy word limits limiting creativity… However, this phrase in particular stood out as being especially profound – the strong verbs, the incredible metaphors, the impeccable descriptions, it even tops the best TPS English essays. Hearing this sensation sung only adds to its grandeur as it must be noted that synthesizers and echoing effects always add a nice touch to whatever you do. Hamlet has nothing on you, Wham!
#7: “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.”
After listening to this song, you’ll be feeling all the feels: discomfort, fear, alarm, paranoia. If this song’s writers were trying to really comfort and put young children at ease, they have failed. But, thankfully, it doesn’t look like they were going for that! I’m guessing that their goal was to seriously alarm children because this has to be one of the most unsettling songs of the century. But oftentimes, it’s the deeply alarming passages that are the most philosophical! The thought of this Santa fella spying on everyone all day long… it not only seems extremely difficult, not to mention impossible, but pretty creepy. Starting to feel the feels too?
#6: “You’re a monster Mr. Grinch your heart’s an empty hole your brain is full of spiders you’ve got garlic in your soul.”
Coming in at #6, we have our favorite green fella: the Grinch! When searching for a truly profound Christmas movie, there is one that tops all others, displaying family morals, hardworking citizenship, a search for the meaning of a wonderful life. No, I’m not talking about It’s a Wonderful Life! Who cares about Jimmy Stewart and his impeccable acting when you have How the Grinch Stole Christmas? Not only does this blockbuster tug on the heartstrings, it comes with its own deeply written song. A brain full of spiders: Just take a moment to think about that. Garlic in your soul: If that doesn’t leave you speechless, I don’t know what does.
#5: “A very merry Christmas and a happy new year, let’s hope it’s a good one without any fears.”
When it comes to measuring the level of goodness in a year, it boils down to one thing: how many fears it included. Yes, you heard me correctly, fears. This, folks, is why Celine Dion is the genius of the century, for having so eloquently phrased this eloquent emotion with eloquence. And the sheer exposition of this song, don’t even get me started. She rhymed year with fears. This tops Emily Dickenson, Shakespeare, Lin-Manuel Miranda – none of them can hold a candle to the splendor displayed here. They may as well lay down their pens and go home.
#4: “And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time.”
Breathtakingly obvious. Breathtakingly profound. The desert… seriously? Drop the mic.
#3: “Where are you Christmas, why can’t I find you, why have you gone away?”
Think about a time you lost something dear, perhaps your prized light-up Lego piece, your favorite pet toad, or your older sibling’s treasured cellphone. Whoops. Now ask yourself, have you ever lost a holiday? Like an actual holiday? And not just any holiday, like Earth Day, or something lame, but THE holiday. Well, Faith Hill has, and everything has fallen out of focus in her life because of it. Imagine, she’s running through the woods, stumbling over rocks, the branches claw at her posh sweater. And yet, she still can’t find it! She grasps, she falls! It’s just so deep. She can’t find Christmas. How moving!
#2: “We’ve been good, but we can’t last, hurry Christmas, hurry fast.”
I don’t know about you, but when searching for the meaning of life there is only one person I will go to. And that person, or rather furry mammal, is Alvin THE Chipmunk. He understands us to our deepest core, and this lyric in particular exemplifies just that. Being good is just such a struggle. Just making it through Spring semester will burn you out, much less all the way to December! Preach it brother ‘munk! This kid needs her new five hundred dollar Millennium Falcon Lego set, and she is fighting that urge to sneak some cookie dough ice cream hard.
#1: “The choir of children sing their song, they practiced all year long. Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong.”
And #1 goes to… the children! What could be more Christmas-y than that? They did practice all year long. All. Year. Long. Think of it: the aching lungs, the hours spent late at night, the poor parents who were treated to ding-dongs echoing throughout their house all year. You wake up on Easter and… ding dong! You wake up on July 4th and… ding dong! Mother’s Day–ding dong! Thanksgiving–ding dong! But that whole year of work, it shows. That ding dong-ing just brings tears to my eyes! Are they all in the same key? Who even knows? But who even cares? It’s the CHILDREN!
And… scene. Christmas songs will never sound the same again.
And a very merry, deeply profound, Christmas to you too from your clay Monthly Top 10! It’s been a pleasure to laugh together this year. Here’s to even more rankings, charts, lists, and fun in 2021!
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