Humor, Open Mic

Open Mic: An Introduction to Philosophysics by Isaac Jo

Disclaimer: This article was written from the author’s imagination, before he knew that something called “Philosophysics” really existed. It is not intended to attack or affront the actual, existing field called “Philosophysics” in any way.

 

Note: An average understanding of quantum physics will probably help.

 

This article will briefly introduce you to the rapidly growing field of Philosophysics.

First of all, you’re probably wondering what this weird thing called “Philosophysics” is. Philosophysics is a relatively new and obscure branch of physics. It involves drawing philosophical conclusions from observations on the physical world. It is, unlike most departments of physics, considered a “soft science”—it is more philosophical than physical, and in general, not quantitative. While it is soft in this sense, it can also be one of the hardest sciences to study, precisely because it is not quantitative. It requires more theoretical, abstract thinking and draws ideas rather than numbers as conclusions.

Thus, for anyone interested in entering this field, one must have a thorough briefing of the main principles of the subject. This would be impossible to give here, so this article will inform you on one of the most basic divisions of Philosophysics: the behavior of timespace.

Again, this is nowhere near exhaustive of the wealth of information, even in this branch—the simplest parts of a science often contain the most information. This is just a summary of the largest points.

 

One of the most general principles of quantum physics is that an object cannot have an exact location and velocity at the same time. To understand this, one must take a case-by-case approach.

If the chosen time frame is zero seconds, the object (unless it disappeared) has a position. However, velocity is measured in units of [length divided by time], and if your time is zero you are dividing by zero, which is impossible. Therefore, the object has no defined velocity.

If the chosen time frame is positive, velocity can exist (although it may be zero). However, if the object moves at all, the object has no exact position—the average doesn’t count.

If the chosen time frame is negative, fix your stopwatch.

Conclusion: If an object is moving, it has no position. Therefore, if a person is moving, they cannot be located, touched, affected, or even killed. So, if you never stop moving, you will live forever.

 

On to the second principle (also drawn from quantum physics): Nothing can ever truly touch anything else unless its atoms bond together. This is because every atom is surrounded by a negatively charged electron shell. These electron shells repel each other with incredible force, meaning that when we “touch” or “feel” something, we aren’t feeling the thing itself, but the force with which it is pushing back on us.

This may be confusing, as touching things has always been a part of our intuitive understanding of the physical world. However, the electromagnetic force has been confirmed to exist, and, without a doubt, prevents anything from ever touching.

Conclusion: Nothing can touch anything, so nothing can ever affect anything else. This means that nothing can kill a person regardless of if they are moving or not!

 

Next up: Time travel. The short answer is it is impossible. Even if it was possible, no one could survive time warping without an enormous amount of computing power. Why? Because the Earth moves. If one were to go back in time just five seconds, the entire Solar System would be miles away from the spot you appeared in, dropping you in the middle of outer space and killing you instantly.

To travel in time properly, assuming that it is scientifically possible, one would need more than a supercomputer. That super supercomputer would have to make trillions of calculations to predict exactly where the Earth would be at the time you request. The farther away that time is, the longer the calculation would take, meaning that you would have to plan ahead, perhaps by several years. In other words, the time machine would be slow and impractical, and somehow transport you in space as well as time. And the farther out your predictions are, the less accurate they will be.

Conclusion: Time travel kills you, but we are all traveling forwards in time at sixty minutes an hour. Therefore, we are all dead, which explains the previous conclusions that we cannot be killed. Everyone knows you can’t kill someone who’s already dead.

 

Our fourth and final principle is this: Nothing can have a net velocity of zero. See above—everything is moving, and to stop moving would be to be left behind by the Earth, the Solar System, and the galaxy. The astrophysics does seem to contradict the obvious, but our Earthly reference frame is only creating the illusion of motionlessness. Clearly, nothing is ever doing “nothing.” Next time you’re lounging on the couch looking bored, and someone asks you why you’re doing nothing, you can say you’re not doing nothing—you’re moving.

Conclusion: Nothing is ever at a standstill, meaning nothing is staying in one place. Therefore, according to the first principle, nobody can ever be killed (we discussed this already in points two and three, but this is a different way of proving the same thing). This also means that nothing has what one might call a “rightful place” or a “home.” Obviously, nothing is meant to be where it is, since it can’t be bothered to stay there, and it isn’t meant to be anywhere else, because it can’t be bothered to stop moving. Quite simply, nothing is meant to be. In short, life should not be alive, beings should not be, and existence should not exist.

 

Some less enlightened beings might condense this entire article to the oversimplified statement, “Life has no meaning.” If this is more understandable to you, I suppose that’s all you need to know. But this was written for a reason—that you might gain a slight understanding of a few of the guiding principles of Philosophysics, one of the most unique and most promising emerging scientific fields.

 

Photo Credit:

Gray Newton’s Cradle in Close-up Photogaphy · Free Stock Photo (pexels.com)

______________________________

Meet the Author

How old are you?

I am 15.252 years old.

Where do you live?

I live in Sudbury, Massachusetts.

What classes are you taking with TPS?

I am currently only taking German 1 Language and Culture (Honors) with Frau Young.

What is your favorite thing about writing?

Something that I’ve always liked about writing is its versatility. When you write, you can write about literally anything you want to in any way you want to. You can write seriously about a theological axiom, wistfully about a different world, passionately about a strong opinion, or humorously about something you just made up. I think that this quality of writing should never be lost in rules and requirements (although they can be very helpful)—people should write about what they want to write about, the way they want to write about it, because that is half the point of writing.

10 Comments

  1. *mindblown*
    In a certain manner, this does make sense… great job! Being a fervent follower of quantum physics and philosophy, this article is extremely catching.

  2. OliverMunzer/omunzer

    o my word!!! I take German 2 honors with Frau Young too!!!!!!!! (i’m a level higher than you.)
    WOAH!!! *mind blown*

  3. O.O I think I have been scarred

  4. Hi Isaac!
    This is Sam from German 1, and I got to admit, this is EPIC, even if I didn’t understand much the writing was really good!
    And I can say I really respect the fact your 15 but know so much already.
    Sincerely,
    Samuel Huang

  5. *comes expecting serious article*
    *reads article*
    *dies laughing*

  6. Haha this is great!!

    “I am 15.252 years old” 😂😂😂

  7. XD I love it! I wonder if you would like a book called “What if?” By Randall Moore about solving “absurd hypothetical scenarios” with real science, like what exactly would happen five seconds after the earth instantly stopped moving or how much the force can affect.

  8. This is so clever!

  9. LOL!! I never thought about the fact that if we could time-travel, we might end up in the middle of outer space, since the earth is moving…. That’s a good point, hehe!! XD I love the way you played with logic here; well done!! 😃