Two score and three years ago, the boy who lived was introduced to the world. This month, we’ve handpicked the most charismatic, moral, and qualified Wizarding World characters who, we think you’ll agree, would make excellent presidential candidates. You’re welcome.
#10: Vernon Dursley
Heralding from his humble abode on Privet Drive, Mr. Vernon Dursley has come out swinging in this presidential race. We mean that quite literally; his pet bear… my mistake… his son Dudley whacks all those standing in his way with what he calls a “Smeltings Stick.” His plans for America involve a different kind of Spoils System; he has vowed to indulge and spoil America to his heart’s content. But not all of America–he has mentioned a “cupboard under the stairs” awaiting the other 50%…
#9: Horace Slughorn
Also campaigning with his own Spoils System, re-titled as the “Slug System,” Horace Slughorn seems to have an, let’s just say, elite group of people set up as his staff. Mostly he bribes, I mean, graciously invites them with mouth-watering feasts of goodies and the lifelong acclaim of having their picture on his fireplace mantle. Unfortunately, he has a habit of dropping vital information concerning top secret, dangerous, U.S. weapons to terrorists, and we’re not quite sure where this started…
#8: Draco Malfoy
Sporting his campaign slogan of “Malfoy for President: My Father Will Hear About It,” Draco has found himself well protected thanks to his two excellent body guards: Crabbe and Goyle – nothing gets past them – and the terrorist network set into place by his lovely, sweet aunt Bellatrix Lestrange. Ultimately, his role model of a father hears about every one of his run-ins, political speeches, and press conferences. Frankly, Lucius must spend the entire summer holiday just hearing his son recount everything that he’s experienced…
#7: Lavender Brown
While she may be sixteen years old, Lavender Brown has proven to be a worthy candidate in this presidential race. Her most lethal weapon in terrorizing opponents has confounded the world: the baby nickname. Doting on other candidates with names like “Bidy Widen” and “Trump Wump” has succeeded in terrifying the competition. Most horrifyingly, when she pulls out her “My Sweetheart” necklaces, which she’s had mass produced, many candidates are ready to give up their positions right then and there. As her campaign slogan reads: L. + U.S. = ♥
#6: Gilderoy Lockhart
With the campaign slogans of “Not Us, Me” and “Make America About Me Again,” (we’re not sure if it was ever about him, but he insists it was) Lockhart has proven to find most of his voting pool in the realm of young to middle aged women, and when he flashes his strangely fake looking white smile, all other competitors know the day is his. Security has found it difficult to keep the mounting crowds of women at bay, and unfortunately Lockhart has made matters worse by promising autographs to all of them. Frankly, he doesn’t seem to understand the role of president at all, mostly he talks about his books, his fans, and himself.
#5: Luna Lovegood
Coming in at #5 on our list, we have the unparalleled Luna Lovegood, who has stepped into this presidential race in style, inspiring the nation with her impeccable sense of fashion. Even Kim Kardashian has been heard saying: “I, like, totally need some, like, red radish earrings, and wacky pink sunglass-thingies.” It is apparent that America’s wildlife matters greatly to Miss Lovegood, and also the only thing she talks about. At least we think wildlife is what she’s talking about, she’s referenced the endangered species Nargles, Wrackspurts, and Crumple-Horned Snorkacks as being in especial jeopardy. Wait, those aren’t real animals?
#4: Dolores Umbridge
If there is one thing Dolores Umbridge has made extremely clear to her opponents, so clear we could even spot it written on their hands, it’s that she means business. During this year’s debates, she could often be heard “hem hem”-ing whenever she wanted the other candidates to shut up and let her talk, which happened quite often. With her campaign slogan of “Dolores WILL Get It Done,” this woman is prepared to bring everything she has to the table, which includes her frighteningly large porcelain cat plate collection…
#3: Cornelius Fudge
At #3 we have the highly regarded, former minister of magic, Cornelius Fudge. Along with his Vice President pick, the lovely Rita Skeeter, Fudge has quite the plans for America, including a healthcare system he’s titled “Fudgecare.” This is unlike any system we’ve seen before, it only requires your most personal info, cash loans, car, Lego sets, clothes, house, Star Wars movies, arms, legs, and life to apply! All other candidates envy him greatly, he has had several happy coincidences where reporters who dropped nasty information on him disappeared off the grid! Fudge for President – “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask me something else please.”
#2: Sybil Trelawney
While it seems more like Trelawney accidentally wandered on stage during primaries than anything else, she certainly has her campaign techniques down pat at this point. Her method of deflecting loaded questions is truly remarkable. For example, when questioned about her sketchy past, Trelawney’s response to the interviewer was a stroke of genius: “At the fortnight’s full moon you shall meet a slow and painful death to a million Rottweilers!!” Impeccably written, impeccably delivered, her eyes glowed blue and everything. Weird thing is, it actually happened! Poor guy…creepy right?
Ultimately, in America we welcome and embrace everyone, and this same principle holds true for the presidential race. Let me ask you, have we ever had a house elf in the race before? Like, an actual, teacloth wearing, third person-speaking, Gollum-resembling house elf? But why should that stop us? We need someone who can represent freedom. Haven’t you heard Dobby’s campaign slogan? “Dobby is free! We are free!” With Dobby as our president, everyone in America will have the individual freedom to speak in the third person that they deserve. He also gives out free socks, which is very nice.
May the best candidate win. Oh, and you’re saying it wrong. It’s pronounced “The Potter’s School”–make the “Potter’s” nice and long.
White House Podium: https://www.iheartradio.ca/image/policy:1.10127509:1572172959/White-House-podium.jpg?f=default&$p$f=58f3a05