Greetings! It is I, Glubose, Screwtape’s revered and distinguished friend. You delicious—I mean delightful humans are in for quite a treat today! Prepare yourselves to hear Screwtape’s genius with my personal top 10 favorite nuggets of his advice.
#10: Truth is an outdated term.
Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there was a term called “truth.” In fact, archaeologists have found records stating that this term did exist! Of course, that was a very long time ago, and nowadays nobody cares about truth anymore. It even sounds disgusting, just say it out loud. T-R-U-T-H. Yuck. If truth was actually important, and something people today cared about, then 99.999% of our music, movies, books, celebrities, sports, art, and activities would not uphold this category and hence be far less revered. Thank goodness we have other adjectives now.
#9: Laugh with the Joke Proper and Flippancy.
At #9, Screwtape points us toward the humorous side of life. Just for your information from Mr. Joke Proper–humor excuses literally everything. So, if you’re a coward, don’t worry! If you make a huge joke boasting about how cowardly you are with a bunch of facial expressions thrown in, then you’re off the hook! First prize funny person (and therefore quality person) goes to you my friend. Ah Flippancy, knew he’d make it sooner or later. Oh, life is so depressing, it’s the end of the world, there’s no hope for our children. Haha! Good one Flippo. Life is just ridiculous, didn’t you know?
#8: Time is your own.
Many a philosopher has monologued about how “time waits for no one” and “none can grasp time.” I have news for you–They’re all wrong. You can totally own time, in fact we all do. You own your sneakers, your schoolbooks, your precious Lego collection, and your deluxe edition of Lord of the Rings, right? This is the exact same thing! Do anything and everything you want with your time and if for some unjust reason you cannot do a certain something, become extremely peevish and pout excessively. The things you want to have are the things you deserve to have. It’s just science.
#7: Look down on others!
If no one else is going to say it, then I will. People are just dumb. Let me rephrase that, the people who aren’t of “your set” are dumb. Of course, “your set” of people is fine, in fact they’re probably above par level fine. In fact, you should attempt to associate with them as much as possible and copy literally every little thing they do. But all those other people, they are just dumb. I would actually use the word sub-par dumb (yes, it does exist). So, obviously, you should just treat them as such.
#6: Gluttony of delicacy is completely fine!
We’ve all heard of gluttony, and by gluttony I mean gluttony of excess, and it’s downright dreadful! But this kind of gluttony is totally different and not even recognizable from the former type. We shouldn’t even be calling it gluttony it’s so indistinguishable from being such a thing. Gluttony of excess is an over desire for large portions of food that manifests itself in annoying behavior, while gluttony of delicacy is a picky desire for perfect portions of food that manifests itself in annoying behavior. There’s literally no similarity between the two whatsoever!
#5: Use that subtle play of looks, tones and laughs.
Come on, you know the look. Don’t deny it. The slight tilt of the head, the condescendingly smarmy look in the eyes, the tone of “poor you, you just don’t understand the ways of life.” And the deliverance of the laugh is critical, the “ho ho ho”-ing of Santa Clause, but quicker and with extra disdainfully patronizing snobbishness. Think: cashmere, caviar, Cadillacs, Grey Poupon, and diamond rings, and then inject that into your way of speaking.
#4: Be a connoisseur of churches.
At #4, Screwtape once again sets us on the crooked and wide…I mean straight and narrow. Of course, when examining prospective church options, it’s important to understand that you are the authority on this matter. Perhaps one had disgusting communion bread. Note it! Another showcased a sad fellow who played the guitar like you did in third grade. Note it! Or one had dreadfully uncomfortable bruise-inducing chairs. Go to rehab and then Note it! Have the mind of Gordon Ramsay with food… but with churches.
#3: Your family is out to get you.
Turn off your lights. Lock your door. Hide under your bed. Nowhere is safe, not even your own home. Think back to those times when your mother made a comment in the voice and did the thing with her eyebrows. Aha! Now you see it! It was never “you;” it was always “them.” While being homeschooled magnifies the dangers of your situation, there are methods of escape. Your greatest weapon: your voice and your thing with your eyebrows, or eyes, or nose, or armpit, or literally any part of your body. As long it annoys them out of annoying you, it works.
#2: Do neither what you like nor what you ought.
Thank goodness for Screwtape, I really don’t know where we’d be without him. Praying, reading your Bible, ugh it’s just so boring! (And convicting, but we won’t talk about that) It is so much better to just do, well, anything at all really! Don’t ask me what. Or nothing at all, that also sounds quite appetizing! Hmm, maybe check Forums, or read your brother’s fifteen-month-old Lego catalog, or stare into the depths of the carpet, that sounds pretty fun too! Seriously though, why would you do something you enjoy? That literally makes zero sense!
#1: Be more “unselfish.”
Throughout life, it’s important to be unselfish – let others have the better seat or the bigger cookie – we know that, right? What you probably didn’t know is that you are in the cutthroat game Press Your Unselfishness! The trick is that it’s not merely about being unselfish, but being more unselfish than everybody else. Someone tries to give up their seat? Not a chance! That person better just enjoy that seat of theirs, because you love the floor! Someone offers you the bigger cookie? They’re playing with your mind! Leave that cookie for them and run like there’s no tomorrow! This is about you and the game. My mistake, it’s not about you at all. But yes, it absolutely is.
Where’s my tissue…it just moves me to tears when I hear Screwtape’s genius! I hope you luscious—pardon me, lovely humans enjoyed it as much as I did…well hello! Screwtape! Fancy meeting you here! No, I didn’t steal your special book of letters, rather I… oh dear, you’re turning into a centipede!!!
The Screwtape Letters Cover Art: https://i.harperapps.com/hcanz/covers/9780007159857/y648.jpg
Sunglasses Cartoon: https://webcomicms.net/clipart-9172986-sunglasses-cartoon