Humor

Top 10 TPS Homeschooling Tips and Tricks

Salutations spectacular readers!

Do you crave rankings? Does your soul wish for lists? Does your heart call out for charts?

Crave no more! Welcome to your clay Monthly Top Ten!

Here at the clay Monthly Top Ten, we understand your dilemma and are here to provide the much-needed rankings you deserve! So, sit back, relax, grab some blue milk, Shawarma, or Butterbeer, and let the top ten commence!

Feeling overwhelmed by the stress of the current schoolyear? Maybe you’re a homeschooling veteran or a newcomer to our little world? Fear not! Allow me to present the definitive Top 10 TPS Homeschooling Tips and Tricks.

#10: Studyplace

At #10 for our Tips and Tricks, we tackle the mysterious wonderland that is Studyplace. The first thing to know about this realm concerns the mystical Message Board. On the top left resides a button which is sometimes green, sometimes pink. When the button is pink do not click on it. Didn’t you learn your colors as a small child? Green means click on it, pink means run for the hills! Just ask your teachers–they agree 100%. Also, I recommend checking your grades constantly. This will bring happiness and peace and lead to zero stress in your life.

#9: Your Schedule

As a homeschooler, it is a truth universally acknowledged that our schedules contain larger amounts of free-time than most. “But how do I fill up this schedule?” you ask. First thing’s first, throw that planner of yours in the trash, you won’t be needing it. Next, think about some activities that you’ve always wanted to try but never have. I’m talking soap carving, grass sampling, frog-whispering, and all sorts of productive activities. Now, do them at any time! Or just give up and take a nap–sleeping is very nice.

#8: Submitting Assignments

It’s on the FAQ page and also this list: how does one submit an assignment for TPS? Quite simply, you don’t! You don’t need to submit any assignments. What in the world do you think school is for? If you must submit an assignment, here’s the best way to do it: obsess or procrastinate. Either let the assignment consume your entire life from your sleep to your meals to your very mind or wait till the last minute–the 10 minutes before class is more than enough time to start and finish your eight-page research paper.

#7: Your Room

Traditional schools contain a most mysterious object: the locker. Where most kids use lockers, you have… your room! You thought your room was merely a place you slept, read, and occasionally cleaned–you were wrong! Become extremely familiar with that rectangular object covered in a quilted device sitting in the corner (or as amateurs call it: a bed). We call it your new classroom. You are going to be spending a lot of time here, and I mean a lot. You might want to install a fridge nearby because you might just spend your entire year here…

#6: Headsets

One day, your mom entered your bedroom bearing an unknown object. You cried out in confusion, “Dear mother, I know not what this strange invention is!” to which she answered, “It’s a headset.” Yet, you remained perplexed. You stared at it, poked it to see if it made noise, examined it under your microscope, all to no avail. We are here to help. No, it’s not an armpit rest. Not an unknown species of wasp either. Nor is it a kiwi fruit eating device. This peculiar object is used in the most unique way… for the human head. Shocking, I know.

#5: Responding to “The Question”

Picture this: as you approach the Walmart checkout lane, the cashier beholds your presence and asks, “So, where do you go to school?” It’s the most feared question in homeschool-lore, but fear not! There is a simple tactic for handling it. Look that cashier straight in the eye, hold your chin up high, and declare, “You dare ask me where I take my learning? Well I shall tell you. I do not frequent the public schools of the area. Nor do I attend the private academies. Hear me when I say I wouldn’t cheapen those for anything. I am… a homeschooler, a scholar of the home, a homing schooler, and I wear it with pride!”

#4: Taking Tests

People have probably told you test taking rubbish about “managing your time” and “checking your work.” Sorry to break it to you, but they were wrong. The real way to take a test, especially a TPS test, separates into the three Ss: sleep, scramble, submit. First, you sleep. The technique is critical, stare at one problem, preferably the first, until your eyes begin to glaze over. Congratulations, you’re one-third of the way to perfection! Next: scramble. This phase occurs when you awaken from stage 1 and realize you have only five minutes remaining. But don’t worry! Actually, yes, you should worry! Adrenaline is what we’re running on here folks! Bolt through that test like lightning. And now, breath…and submit. Boom, perfection.

#3: Taking Meals

You must know two things about taking meals as a homeschooler: take them often and with gusto. If you weren’t informed about the food consumption in the homeschool packaged deal, something was wrong. If you don’t want to eat, you shouldn’t be here. For Hobbits, they eat a second breakfast, and so do you! In fact, you have the opportunity to have third and fourth breakfasts, and the same holds true for lunch and dinner. Trust me, your mother will love doing dishes constantly and cleaning up after each and every one of your breakfasts.

#2: Socialization

Although they don’t admit it, most folks believe that homeschoolers “live under a rock with zero social interaction, only coming out once a year to see what sunlight looks like.” What they don’t know is that we are socialization grandmasters. A typical homeschooled week consists of sports practices, cooking classes, online classes, homeschool co-ops, NCFCA, Rube Goldberg, rehearsals, online classes, youth group, STOA, field trips, field days, instrument lessons, more online classes, dances, picnics, clay, actual jobs, and church. I feel like I’m missing something… Oh yes, schoolwork! We’ll finish that at some point…

#1: GP7

At #1 we have the incredible, yet sometimes infuriating, GP7! The first thing to understand about the GP7 beast is that he is very misunderstood, what with all his booting people from the classrooms and messing with their microphones. If you can, try to befriend this poor creature, give him hugs, sing to him softly. That brings us to the coveted Chat Box, which is one thing TPS teachers cherish above all else, especially when students chatter about things completely irrelevant to the lesson. The trick is to pick the most random subject, type in ALL CAPS, and use the craziest emoticons you can find–instant way to any teacher’s heart.

Thus concludes your #1 source for homeschooling truths! Armed with these foolproof tips and tricks that will bring only joy and happiness to your life, go forth and prosper this school year!

 

Photo Credit:

https://pixabay.com/photos/cactus-book-flower-pot-read-1063094/

55 Comments

  1. oh my! this is hilarious!! good job, Claire!

  2. Laura Cervantez

    This is amazing, I love this! XD

  3. great job! XD I am always nervous when people ask me which school I go to but because where i live is not america I don’t usually tell people. Scaryy

  4. Lilwen Maethor

    Great job, Claire!! This was hilarious 🤣🤣🤣

  5. -is laughing so hard- awesome job!!

  6. Naomi Hochstedler

    This is amazing XD

  7. Such great tips! I’ve actually been using many of these methods for some time now…jk, jk

  8. “the 10 minutes before class is more than enough time to start and finish your eight-page research paper.”

    me

  9. Wait, is this supposed to be sarcastic?

  10. Sofia Barbieri

    Oh my goodness, Claire!! This is so funny… XD You’re wonderful!! 😀 Honestly, though – Idk if I’m the weird one out, but I usually can’t eat very much if anything when I get past a certain level of nervousness and anxiety about my homework…. So Idk if could exactly manage the Hobbit breakfasting. 😂 But the crazy emojis, caps and random off-topic remarks that just bounce into your head when you’re operating on less than six hours of sleep… I’ve definitely been guilty of that at some point!! XD I don’t think my teachers exactly appreciate it, though. 😁

  11. Oof you forgot forums and hangouts heehee.

  12. Hahaha yeeesssss!!!! Thanks for the tips😂

  13. Oh my goodness I love this!

  14. Jasmine+Mailand

    Lol, this is great!! Great Job Claire!

  15. XD I LUV THIS!!!!!

  16. Omwww, this was hilarious, Claire! Awesome jobbb xD

  17. That was beautiful! I’m guilty of a lot of that. Honestly I wonder if teachers look at this and say “That fits my whole class”

  18. I’m slightly concerned that my usual response to the question can be found in a humor column.

  19. ROFL I shall follow these tips fervently
    Jk

  20. Joshua Wideman

    *tries to keep a straight face* *dies of laughter* Excellent job, Claire! Your knowledge of proper homeschooling is astounding. I can’t wait to see what other advice you will graciously bestow upon us in the coming months.

  21. AHAHAHAHAHA!!!! TIP #1 for the win!! Remember that it actually DID work for The Best Class of the Century!! M&Ms!!!!!!! AND ROGUE 99999999!!!!!
    Of course I don’t guarantee success with TIP#1 for anyone other than the Best Class of the Century.

  22. Brilliant, dear Claire! Bravo!

  23. Now I know exactly what to do XD
    Thanks for making me laugh today :))

  24. Lol thanks for all the tips I’ll do the exact opposite of all of them!

  25. bruh why is this like legit my life doe.

  26. Eleanor McClain

    I swear, I laughed out loud as I read this, and sent it to my brothers. Fabulous job! I’m actually going to try out ‘The Question’ answer on someone hahahahaha

  27. haha, dude, thanks for making my day

  28. Immature Yodeller

    oh wow xD that was such great advices
    I really benefited from this, thank goodness this was published—think of the many souls you just saved from living a non-procrastinating life… the horror of its even existence… (jkjk guys go do your hw lel)

  29. Haha love this! Great job!

  30. Thank you! this gave me a good laugh!

  31. Haha! Wow, this is really awesome. It made me laugh on a day when I really needed some joy. Great job!😂

  32. Haha!! This is great! XD

  33. `color(red)”I LIKE ONIONS THEY ARE COOOOOOOOOOOOOL”`

  34. This is amazing, Claire!
    😀

  35. Hilarious! I keep coming back to this… and reading it over and over and over and over😂😂
    One thing I’ve noticed is stuff under the ‘humor’ tab always get more comments😲😂
    Good job, and i can’t wait to see more from you🙃

  36. oh
    my
    word

    why is half of this actually me

  37. Hadashah Decker

    Laughed so many times reading this lollll

  38. Claire McDaniel

    Thank you all so much! I’m so glad you enjoyed this, it was very fun to write XD

  39. Amazing!
    Nooooooooice

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