Salutations spectacular readers!
Do you crave rankings? Does your soul wish for lists? Does your heart call out for charts?
Crave no more! Welcome to your clay Monthly Top Ten!
Here at the clay Monthly Top Ten, we understand your dilemma and are here to provide the much-needed rankings you deserve! So, sit back, relax, grab some blue milk, Shawarma, or Butterbeer, and let the top ten commence!
Feeling overwhelmed by the stress of the current schoolyear? Maybe you’re a homeschooling veteran or a newcomer to our little world? Fear not! Allow me to present the definitive Top 10 TPS Homeschooling Tips and Tricks.
At #10 for our Tips and Tricks, we tackle the mysterious wonderland that is Studyplace. The first thing to know about this realm concerns the mystical Message Board. On the top left resides a button which is sometimes green, sometimes pink. When the button is pink do not click on it. Didn’t you learn your colors as a small child? Green means click on it, pink means run for the hills! Just ask your teachers–they agree 100%. Also, I recommend checking your grades constantly. This will bring happiness and peace and lead to zero stress in your life.
#9: Your Schedule
As a homeschooler, it is a truth universally acknowledged that our schedules contain larger amounts of free-time than most. “But how do I fill up this schedule?” you ask. First thing’s first, throw that planner of yours in the trash, you won’t be needing it. Next, think about some activities that you’ve always wanted to try but never have. I’m talking soap carving, grass sampling, frog-whispering, and all sorts of productive activities. Now, do them at any time! Or just give up and take a nap–sleeping is very nice.
#8: Submitting Assignments
It’s on the FAQ page and also this list: how does one submit an assignment for TPS? Quite simply, you don’t! You don’t need to submit any assignments. What in the world do you think school is for? If you must submit an assignment, here’s the best way to do it: obsess or procrastinate. Either let the assignment consume your entire life from your sleep to your meals to your very mind or wait till the last minute–the 10 minutes before class is more than enough time to start and finish your eight-page research paper.
#7: Your Room
Traditional schools contain a most mysterious object: the locker. Where most kids use lockers, you have… your room! You thought your room was merely a place you slept, read, and occasionally cleaned–you were wrong! Become extremely familiar with that rectangular object covered in a quilted device sitting in the corner (or as amateurs call it: a bed). We call it your new classroom. You are going to be spending a lot of time here, and I mean a lot. You might want to install a fridge nearby because you might just spend your entire year here…
One day, your mom entered your bedroom bearing an unknown object. You cried out in confusion, “Dear mother, I know not what this strange invention is!” to which she answered, “It’s a headset.” Yet, you remained perplexed. You stared at it, poked it to see if it made noise, examined it under your microscope, all to no avail. We are here to help. No, it’s not an armpit rest. Not an unknown species of wasp either. Nor is it a kiwi fruit eating device. This peculiar object is used in the most unique way… for the human head. Shocking, I know.
#5: Responding to “The Question”
Picture this: as you approach the Walmart checkout lane, the cashier beholds your presence and asks, “So, where do you go to school?” It’s the most feared question in homeschool-lore, but fear not! There is a simple tactic for handling it. Look that cashier straight in the eye, hold your chin up high, and declare, “You dare ask me where I take my learning? Well I shall tell you. I do not frequent the public schools of the area. Nor do I attend the private academies. Hear me when I say I wouldn’t cheapen those for anything. I am… a homeschooler, a scholar of the home, a homing schooler, and I wear it with pride!”
#4: Taking Tests
People have probably told you test taking rubbish about “managing your time” and “checking your work.” Sorry to break it to you, but they were wrong. The real way to take a test, especially a TPS test, separates into the three Ss: sleep, scramble, submit. First, you sleep. The technique is critical, stare at one problem, preferably the first, until your eyes begin to glaze over. Congratulations, you’re one-third of the way to perfection! Next: scramble. This phase occurs when you awaken from stage 1 and realize you have only five minutes remaining. But don’t worry! Actually, yes, you should worry! Adrenaline is what we’re running on here folks! Bolt through that test like lightning. And now, breath…and submit. Boom, perfection.
#3: Taking Meals
You must know two things about taking meals as a homeschooler: take them often and with gusto. If you weren’t informed about the food consumption in the homeschool packaged deal, something was wrong. If you don’t want to eat, you shouldn’t be here. For Hobbits, they eat a second breakfast, and so do you! In fact, you have the opportunity to have third and fourth breakfasts, and the same holds true for lunch and dinner. Trust me, your mother will love doing dishes constantly and cleaning up after each and every one of your breakfasts.
Although they don’t admit it, most folks believe that homeschoolers “live under a rock with zero social interaction, only coming out once a year to see what sunlight looks like.” What they don’t know is that we are socialization grandmasters. A typical homeschooled week consists of sports practices, cooking classes, online classes, homeschool co-ops, NCFCA, Rube Goldberg, rehearsals, online classes, youth group, STOA, field trips, field days, instrument lessons, more online classes, dances, picnics, clay, actual jobs, and church. I feel like I’m missing something… Oh yes, schoolwork! We’ll finish that at some point…
At #1 we have the incredible, yet sometimes infuriating, GP7! The first thing to understand about the GP7 beast is that he is very misunderstood, what with all his booting people from the classrooms and messing with their microphones. If you can, try to befriend this poor creature, give him hugs, sing to him softly. That brings us to the coveted Chat Box, which is one thing TPS teachers cherish above all else, especially when students chatter about things completely irrelevant to the lesson. The trick is to pick the most random subject, type in ALL CAPS, and use the craziest emoticons you can find–instant way to any teacher’s heart.
Thus concludes your #1 source for homeschooling truths! Armed with these foolproof tips and tricks that will bring only joy and happiness to your life, go forth and prosper this school year!