Jonas McRobbie: Nerf, Ripe Oysters, and the End of the World

The door crashed open as Jonas McRobbie vaulted into an old shed and briefly scanned the deserted street behind him. Kicking the door closed, he ducked into a corner and proceeded to cock and reload his Nerf Lawbringer. Glancing around the shed for anything suspicious, he found that it was mostly empty, except for a dark cloak hanging on the wall. Before he could take his eyes off it, however, the cloak floated into the air and spoke.

“Greetings, Jonas, it is good to finally make your acquaintance.”

Startled, Jonas jumped up and pointed his gun at the cloak, aiming it at the area where a face should have been. “Who are you?” Jonas asked, waving his gun menacingly.

“That is not important. I am not here to talk about myself but to talk about you.”

“Why me?”

“You are Jonas McRobbie, co-creator of the Château Beynac Apocalypse Plan (CBAP). Are you not? My superiors wish to know more about you and your plan. Would you mind answering a few questions?”

Rolling his eyes, Jonas returned to his corner and aimed his Lawbringer through a crack in the wall. “Whatever, just make it quick. I’m kind of in the middle of a Nerf war here.”

“Very well. First, tell me the basics: your age, grade, location, and siblings.”

“I’m fifteen and in tenth grade. I live in Tétouan, Morocco, but you already know that. I have one younger sister named Maisey.”

“Excellent. Now, my superiors informed me of your status as a student at the Potter’s School. What classes will you take with them this year?”

Jonas thought for a moment before speaking. “Algebra 2 Honors, Chemistry Honors, Arthurian Literature, AP US History, CADD for Mechanical Engineering Design 1, and French 3: Language and Culture.”

“Sounds like a lot of work. Now, what do you enjoy doing in your free time?”

Hearing footsteps outside, Jonas fired a few shots out of the hole in the wall before answering. “I enjoy designing things like legos and building replicas of objects I see in movies.” He fired another shot. “I also enjoy Nerf wars.”

“Now, what are some of your favorite types of entertainment? In other words, what are your favorite songs, artists, movies, and games?”

“Well, I really like the song artist Puppet, especially his song Killing Giants. 1917 was a great movie, and another good one is Earth to Echo. Not a spectacular film, but I liked how it was executed. As for games, I enjoy playing Minecraft, soccer, and participating in Nerf wars with my friends.” He again fired through the hole.

“What’s your favorite food, and what’s the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?”

“Beef stroganoff is definitely my favorite. As for weird… I don’t know. Maybe oysters.”

“Seafood is definitely weird when you think about it.”

“Yeah, and they weren’t fresh either. They were…” Jonas paused to fire off another round. “Ripe. Very ripe.”

“I see. Next question: who are some of your friends?”

“I’ve known my best friend Wes since we were three. He used to live in Morocco, but he moved to Tunisia. I also have some local friends in my apartment building. They’re my Nerf partners.” He fired yet again. “Lee Anna Davis is another friend. She and I cofounded the CBAP.”

“Yes, I was just going to ask you about that, but first, who is one person you aspire to be like?”

“Probably Jeremy Wade, the host of several extreme fishing shows. Either him or Yassen Gregorovich, a character from the Alex Rider series.”

“Interesting choices. What’s your favorite Bible verse or passage?”

“That would have to be Isaiah 40. I studied the whole chapter for the Bible Survey class I took last year, and I really enjoyed it.”

“Excellent. Now, about this Apocalypse plan of yours…”

“Ah yes, I was waiting for you to ask that. Our plan begins when LA and I confirm that the zombie apocalypse has begun. She’ll gather her friends in Cairo, get hold of a vehicle, and start driving west. Another friend of ours will drive up from Southern Morocco with food supplies, and I’ll gather some materials and weapons. Once everyone arrives in Tétouan, we’ll take a helicopter from the military base, load it up, and start flying north toward the Château Beynac castle in France. Once we get there, we’ll establish fortifications and settle in. Then we’ll head to the nearest airport and grab a jet, which we can use to bring people from the US to our base. That’s about it.”

“Thank you for your time, Jonas McRobbie. My superiors will be pleased with this information. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.” Suddenly, the cloak crumpled to the ground. Jonas stared at the cloak for a moment, shrugged, and then stood up. He cracked the door open, took a quick look around, and silently crept from the shed, leaving the cloak crumpled on the floor.


  1. Eyyyy, this was an EPIC read, Great Job Josh and Jonas!
    And of course, only the two of you could make this seem normal 😂.

  2. -did not totally laugh through the whole thing while trying to keep a straight face and failing-
    Eyyy good job Joshua and Jonas!

  3. This was great!! I like how it is full of action, instead of an article about someone sitting at a table or on a phone call being interviewed. 😄 Great job, Joshua and Jonas!!

  4. Someone you might know

    Now I can see why Jessie suggested that you should be the “Strange Evil Machinery Columnist” xD
    It’s also quite interesting to see one of my evil uncles spotlighting another of my evil uncles.

  5. ay dat’s me :}}

  6. I was not disappointed in your performance for this article. My superiors and I are pleased with the quality of your work.

  7. As Silver Arrow I am impressed. I’m still figuring out how I would drive up through the US but I think I could manage. Also since when did you know how to pole vault? That could come in useful in the plan– you could pole vault and like kick the zombies in midair before like dramatically landing on the other side. I feel like as a zombie apocalypse plan we should have a flare for the dramatic.

  8. ayyy great job Jonas and Joshua!!

  9. I’d love to join you and LA in France x)

    Great job on the article Joshua! Very… entertaining xD

  10. xDDD Nice spotlight, Joshua and Cannonhead!

  11. eyyyy, great job Jonas and Joshua!

  12. Awesome writing, Joshua, and great answers, Jonas

  13. Great article, Joshua! ‘Twas a very amusing read, xD
    Nice to get to know you a little better, hehe, Jonas :}

  14. That is a very creative plan!!

  15. *cheers and applauds* Great job, Josh!! I definitely learned a lot about Jonas! *tosses teacups in the air like confetti*

  16. Hallo fellow Pazza-er.

  17. Great job!!! (Even though I don’t know you 😄)

  18. Hahaha it’s Jonas! Totally not why I clicked on this article. You did a great job on this article Joshua! Can’t wait to see what else you have in store for us!

  19. I should have put two and two together sooner that Jonas and Maisey both had the same last name… *fp*

  20. I don’t know why I feel like the first part of this is a creative bio… xD (And I thought I’d seen Jonas’ name in one of my six classes… Chemistry, I guess! :-)) Good job, both of you! 😀

  21. haahhaahaa this is great *tears of joy* Jonas, i have heard that u participate in virtual Nerf battles as well xDDD i believe it was with peeps from PF but i could be mistaken xD

  22. Hey Jonas! It was fun to learn more about you!

  23. the apocalypse eh? its already started mate

  24. ooohhhh, great job Josh and Jonas!