Humor

This Is It. It’s Been Quite a Ride…

Disclaimer: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and clay magazine. It may not be used, viewed, printed, shoved into an oven, used as kindling to set marshmallows aflame (that is what we call an amateur mistake), used as a magical weapon for storming castles (like that would work), snapped in a mousetrap, or shuttled into space (I did that for you) without the expressed consent of Jake Moore and clay magazine.

Forky: What is clay?

Jake: It’s a magazine.

Forky: Oh. What’s a magazine?

Jake: Something people read.

Forky: Oh. What is reading?

Jake: Uh, Forky, I need to do the intro.

Forky: Oh. Okay.

Jake: Alrighty. Greetings once again, my faithful readers! Given that this is the last month I will be able to do these articles before I start a new adventure at college (yes, college), I decided that I didn’t want my office to be destroyed just before someone else moved in. Thus, I have invited my friends to…

Space core: (floats past window) SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!

Jake: …Ok… That happened. But yes. We’re in space. On a space station of course.

Forky: What is an intro?

Jake: Oh boy.

Snowball: You know, I don’t know what an intro is either. But you did bring us to space so I’m happy.

Inigo: The talking rabbit is right. This experience is quite new.

Fezzik: In fact, we didn’t know going to space was something you could do.

Jake: Never mind the intro. Let’s just let the chaos commence.

Tom: (Looks at Jake quizzically, then glances down at Jerry with a mischievous grin).

Kronk: Hmmm… those stars look a lot bigger from way up here.

Jake: They should. They’re all huge.

Snowball: Wait, you mean stars are bigger than those little specks of dust that they look like?

Jake: They’re bigger than the entire Earth actually.

Snowball: Is that why all the planets keep moving around the sun? Also, do they actually do that? I heard that somewhere.

Forky: Actually, the orbit of the planets around the sun has to do with the gravitational forces that are imparted on each planet. Einstein lays it all out in his Theory of General Relativity.

Jake: (blinks) What?

Forky: Oh, by the way, I’ve got another question: what is mustard?

Kronk: It’s delicious.

Jake: TOM! Put down that lightsaber! Here, give me that.

Inigo: Is that your sword? May I see?

Jake: Just don’t touch the blade. It’s… well, it’s a lot sharper than you’d think.

Inigo: It is quite beautiful.

Jake: It’s the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster. An elegant weapon… for a more… civilized age.

BB-8: (enters the room) Wooweeeow!

Jake: Hey, you made it! I was wondering if the Falcon’s hyperdrive had malfunctioned or something.

BB-8: Beep wahwahwoo.

Jake: So Artoo and D-0 couldn’t make it, huh? That’s fine. They’re not the only ones. The emotions aren’t going to make it either because, uh, talking to my own emotions would be really weird.

Kronk: Wouldn’t that basically be talking to yourself?

Jake: Trust me, I’ve had way too much of that too, what with the doppelgangers and all.

Forky: What is a doppelganger?

Jake: Someone who looks exactly like you.

Snowball: You mean like those imposters?

Jake: Exactly.

Space core: (floats past window) SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!

Jake: (narrows eyes) That’s not going to get annoying really fast.

(Beebeep! Beebeep!)

Snowball: Aww, man! Time to go already?

Jake: Uh, actually, no. Looks like I need to flush the hydraulics really quickly otherwise we’ll lose the artificial gravity… (presses some keys on a control panel, then points dramatically to a pair of levers) Pull the lever, Kronk!

Kronk: (pulls the lever on the left)

Jake: (drops through a trapdoor in the floor) WRONG LEVEEEEEER!

Fezzik: Uhh…

Jake: (reenters room) Okay, why do I even have that lever? (reaches for the lever on the right but starts floating away) …And there goes the gravity.

Snowball: I was actually wondering how you made the gravity. Is it some kind of special space metal?

Jake: Nah, the space station spins.

Snowball: I don’t get it.

Forky: The rotation of the space station creates a centripetal force that acts on us the keep us on the floor. If the space station stops spinning, we start to float.

Jake: (blinks) How do you know that?

Forky: (chuckles) Everybody knows that. Oh, by the way, what is cheese?

Jake: Can somebody get to the lever?

BB-8: Weowweet! (shoots a grappling line that wraps around the lever and pulls it into the correct position)

Jake: (falls flat on his face on the floor) Thanks, BB. Hey! TOM! Give me that stapler!

Snowball: That was fun! I’m kinda glad the gravity went out.

Jake: I knew it would. Whenever there’s something that can happen in fiction, like the artificial gravity going out, it will happen. I call it the Inevitability Principle.

(Beep! Beep! Beep!)

Kronk: (gasps) My spinach puffs!

Snowball: Blech!

Jake: No, that’s just my timer, Kronk. It’s time to say goodbye.

Snowball: Bye everybody! I’m in…

Space core: SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!

Jake: I really need to do something about that.

Kronk: Goodbye!

Inigo: Farewell, readers!

Fezzik: Goodbye!

BB-8: Weeow!

Jake: Forky, you want to say goodbye?

Forky: What is fiction?

Jake: Good enough. Farewell readers. It’s been quite a ride, and maybe I’ll be able to do this again sometime, but for now, this is it. I hope you’ve enjoyed following my little misadventures. Have a fantastic summer, and may the Force be with you! Renegade out!

21 Comments

  1. Where is Vassily? It’s in-con-thee-vable that you didn’t add him lol.

  2. Wow, what a ride. You have no idea how much we’re going to miss you Jake… May God bless you and keep you. And may the force be with you!

  3. Jake you’re the bomb XD

    • In a purely good way, yes. You’re the bomb. Please visit us in the comments once in a while when you’re in college XD

  4. May I use it to set marshmallows aflame?
    Omigosh this is so good! We’re going to miss your articles Jake *sniffs* Like a lot….. *sobs*
    😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

  5. Lol. This is very funny XD. I like you how you put cute little BB-8 in it too!

  6. This was a great finish! I loved the part about the lever! Good luck in college!

  7. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious.
    “SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!”
    “…okay… that happened.”
    *dies*

  8. May I have permission to read this story??? xD JK 🤣

  9. This IS great. *sniffle* TPS WILL MISSSSSS YOU JAKE!

  10. So what is cheese anyway?

  11. renegade out 😂😂😂😂
    i’m dead