Humor, Open Mic

Open Mic: When Everyone Is Invited to Tea by Grace Wagner

Recently, I had the pleasure of dining for tea with several lovely young people, including my darling little cousins. It was a simply lovely tea, and from it I gained many words of wisdom, especially from the youngsters of our party…

What was not drenched in tea and promptly eaten, I record here.

Note: These words of wisdom are best read in a British accent.

  1. While at tea, be sure to speak only of delicate and refined matters such as death, decay, animal guts, and other such small talk.
  2. When eating thy scone with thy hands, kindly wipe thy paws on thy shirt, as one cannot afford to dirty the white lace napkins.
  3. After buttering thy scone, please lick thy knife and return it to the butter immediately; the next person simply cannot wait all day.
  4. Do not give sippy cups to the one-year-old! It simply is not done! Give her thy great-great-great-great grandmother’s antique porcelain teacup instead. I promise that she will love it.
  5. …Uh oh. Perhaps I should have added, “She will love it…especially the shatter.” Children are an endless delight, I must admit.
  6. Be sure to have a store of 153 teacups for the one-year-old. She will need them.
  7. Be sure to crawl across the tabletop to retrieve the crumpets. As the saying goes, “Crawling is the only way, especially at a table of guests.”
  8. Looking for a new look for thy tea setting? Dunk thy scone in thy tea, and promptly dribble the liquid about the table. The result is priceless; I promise thee!
  9. Worried about indigestion? Slouching in thy seat is guaranteed to bring thee good health!

WARNING: This list is not meant for human consumption. Consuming raw or undercooked tea may increase risk of heart failure and consequently may result in death.


Meet the Author

What classes are you taking with TPS?
This year, I am taking French One (Two Day) with Mme. Orsini.

What’s your favorite thing about writing?
My favorite thing about writing is diving into new realms and places I’ve never been before or finding new perspectives I’ve never experienced before, whether it be in the fathoms of my imagination or in the real world.

What is your favorite number and why?
My favorite number is the number 11, because it looks exactly the same when it is right side up as when it is upside down.

What is your favorite word?
My favorite word is a tie between “bibliophile” (book-lover) and “pulchritudinous” (of Latin origin meaning “beautiful”).

Would you rather have a pet cloud or a pet rock?
I would totally go with having a pet cloud all the way (unless, of course, it floats away…)


  1. Animal guts! XD

  2. ehehheheehheehehheehhe????

  3. Emmeline Arehart

    This is awesome – especially when read aloud in a British accent!! xD
    But yeah, gotta be careful of that undercooked tea…
    Et j’ai étudié le français avec Mme Orsini aussi! J’aime bien la langue, et elle est une institutrice magnifique! 😀

  4. Lol!! I love 2, 3, and 7. Great job, Grace and Mari!

  5. Great Job Grace! *rofl*
    Sadly, our great-great-great etc. Grandmother’s cup is already destroyed by an ancient one year old a hundred years ago xD (jk, of course)

  6. It sounds like 17th century Plymouth when you read it out loud lol.

  7. You make several good points.
    1. You’re right! Usually people talk of happy things like flowers and rainbows… but this can get boring after a while. I like the thought of talking about death, decay, and animal guts. I will be trying this at the next tea party I attend.
    2. “When eating thy scone with thy hands, kindly wipe thy paws on thy shirt, as one cannot afford to dirty the white lace napkins.” First of all, “thy” is used a lot which I thinks is hilarious???? Secondly, why do people even use these white lace napkins?! Its not even worth it to try to get the stains out afterwards. And why lace? I feel like that does nothing for you when trying to CLEAN YOUR HANDS!!
    3. Exactly! The knife should be clean for the next person! No crumbs or extra butter that touched your scone should even touch their scone.
    4. Oh yes! This is very good advice for all of us. Giving them a sippy cup makes them look too babylike. You want to have proper children that sip their tea with their pinkies in the air.
    5. Children are endless delight! I strongly agree with that. And yes cleaning up shattered tea cups is always a fun job. Just be careful not to cut your finger on a piece and fall into a deep sleep for a hundred years. That’s already been done before and we don’t want a reprise of what happened. The poor prince *shakes head*
    6. Oh really? I thought it was 154 teacups? I thought the one-year-old would shatter 153 tea cups, then need a last one to drink their tea?
    7. Of course! *fp* why didn’t I think of that? Don’t look at me! I’m embarrassed.
    8. Does the kind of tea matter? Should I try pumpkin or lemon? But what if somebody has an allergy to that particular flavor of tea?
    9. Yes! I’ve slouched my whole life and it has cured everything that was once wrong. It cured my sprained ankle, my knee injury, and of course it cured my brain tumor.
    In conclusion, you make several amazingly good points. Thanks for the advice!

  8. Oh, this is hilarious!!!!!! ???? Good job, Grace!! ???? And that “warning” is simply too delicious for words!!!!! 😀 *sips delicately from a cup of desperately under-cooked tea* LOL!! JK. XD XP