Humor, Open Mic

Open Mic: Quarantined Activities by Lilia Ruch

Well, hello there, fellow TPSers and/or Stuck-At-Home-And-Going-Crazyers! I bring you entertainment and a way to get your mom to yell at you! In case you have any questions, go ask Bill The Duck, the FAQs, or Google.

Did you know that when you breath, the earth floats a tiny bit higher, and that when you sneeze, 14 clouds fall from the sky? Take a moment to meditate on that, and breath out several times. If you can breath out as fast as you can for about 4,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 days, you will soon be floating in a anti-gravitational room with your pants on your face because someone forgot to close the dresser before this happened. Goodbye to the 4% of you out there that did this!

If it’s a rainy day, go and stick your shnoz in the nearest humidifier, and keep it there till you sneeze. Then fourteen clouds will fall from the sky. Keep doing that for *checks watch* about eight hours, and Voila! You have the sunniest day since history began. But you would also be dead because you breathed in too much water, so toodle-doo to the 26% of you readers that do this.

Did you know that when you wear a hat, you can catch a wild lion by the tail? Go grab that hat that Aunt Sandra gave you four years ago that you’ve never worn because it says I’m a cute cupcake and shove it on your over-sized, brainy head.

Then go out into the backyard and yell, “KALAMOZOOO COME TO YOU I’M GONNA BEAT YOU AND TOODLEDO BUT SAME TO YOU MY AUNT HATES YOU BECAUSE YOU SMELL LIKE AN OLD FAIR BELL SO PACK UP YOUR SOCKS AND LEAVE ASPARAGUS SNOUT!”

A lion should come out, so go up to it and say, “Hi there, pookums!”

The lion should be dumbfounded, and I am 1% sure he will not tear you up, so I think you’re safe! Jab him on the nose, and jump on his back. Either you will be eaten and crushed, mauled and smushed, or you’ll look like Hercules with a new lionskin cape and a great story to tell. The latter is VERY improbable (latter means first, right?). If he is not dumbfounded, run for your life and pray.

In the words of Arnold, “I knew I should’ve stayed home today!” *waves to the 30% of you out there that do this.*

If you have a cat, you can get hours of entertainment out of this. Take an old nail, and heat it up on your broken stove that leaks gas and makes you dizzy. Once you are dizzy and sitting on the kitchen floor under the influence that you are three years old and the floor is your mama, take the nail out of the pan. Tie it to a string and glue your feet to the ceiling while singeing the cat’s fur with this new toy. She will leap at you and try to tear your face out, but if you are shorter than 2 feet, which most of us are, you can easily avoid her. *Makes graves for the 10% of you who do this*

Since there are still 30% of you rebels out there that I haven’t eliminated yet (under the pay of Leanne and Cassie), there has to be one more thing to do. Go write clay articles while shoving all the toilet paper into the toilet, and you will soon be dead because of T.I.N.T.P.I.T.H.A.I.A.S.S. (There Is No Toilet Paper In The House And I Am Screaming Syndrome). Goodbye to the 28% of you that do this!

Alright, Leanne, hand over the gummy bears! *evil smile*

______________________________

Meet the Author

How old are you?
Almost (REALLY almost) 11

Where do you live?
I live in Qingdao, China, but I’m currently stuck in Taiwan.

What classes are you taking with TPS?
I’m taking WF5 with Mrs. Nelson and Life science with Mrs. Selby.

What’s your favorite thing about writing?
My favorite thing about writing is being able to create stories in places I could never really go to!

68 Comments

  1. Michelle Morello

    This is good! I’d love to see more of your writing😊

  2. good job!

  3. Incredible lol

  4. oms, i just realized it was you!!! @lruch

  5. Beren Erchamion

    haha this is great
    however I’m one of the disobedient 2% who did not follow any of your advice, therefore I’m still standing and you cannot rightfully receive your gummy bears. You’ll have to try harder. Just a hint: if you suggest something related to Lord of the Rings, you may convince me to die in a noble quest.

  6. Good job!

  7. THIS IS HILARIOUS. XDXDXDXD

  8. Stuck-Home-and-Going-Crazyer

    That’s me. LOL

  9. Ohh haha lol this article (and the comments) made me crack up!

  10. well, i yelled KALAMOZOOO COME TO YOU I’M GONNA BEAT YOU AND TOODLEDO BUT SAME TO YOU MY AUNT HATES YOU BECAUSE YOU SMELL LIKE AN OLD FAIR BELL SO PACK UP YOUR SOCKS AND LEAVE ASPARAGUS SNOUT! and it worked! A lion did show up and greet me but unfortunately i immediately shot him with my rifle so i don’t know if he would have eaten me. Looks like meat’s back on the menu, boys!

  11. I’m sorry Kili. I thought I could get him.

  12. jkjk

    naw its fine haha

  13. too late….