Cardboard is the maligned member of the paper family.
Think about it. Normal printer paper? Useful for writing, drawing, and folding into paper planes.
Tissues? Good for runny noses.
Paper towels? Perfect for big spills.
Toilet paper? You know what that’s good for…
But cardboard… thrown away. Really, what did you do with your last cardboard box?
Not to mention all the ways cardboard is used as an insult. Think of the following examples:
This food has the flavor of cardboard.
This wallpaper looks like cardboard.
These blankets feel like cardboard.
This building is flimsier then cardboard.
The list goes on and on. So in this month’s column, I will take a brave stand against anti-cardboard sentiment and tell you, dear reader, what cardboard is good for.
You ever hear those people say that food tastes bland, like cardboard? Well these people are total, utter, complete… never mind. In any case, cardboard is intensely flavorful, with tastes ranging from rotting burlap hanging on a dead tree to sandy mud on concrete, and textures like crunchy bark and soft wetness. Guaranteed gastronomic goodness! Try some today by mixing cardboard, water, and protein powder for a delicious protein shake. TRUE SCIENCE FACTS!
Do you remember my New Years’ resolution to live in a tree? Well my arboreal apartment is going very well with its cardboard-strengthened cardboard foundation with corrugated cardboard struts and a triple-layered cardboard roof. This serves me very well, as if any of my cardboard constructions become wet and/or weak, I do not have to generate any waste by throwing it away and can simply eat it!
Just because a blanket feels like cardboard doesn’t mean its a bad blanket. In my frugal deciduous domicile, nice blankets are hard to get and get dirty very easily. You know what’s easy to get? Cardboard! They might be hard, and kind of rough, and smell a bit odd, but hey, what’s the alternative?
Don’t try this at home, kids! As a distinctly mature person who somehow also writes humor for middle schoolers, I have been given special permission to play with combustible materials in a forested environment.
I have thus concluded that cardboard is an excellent form of transportation. To accomplish this incredible new form of transportation, I simply strapped cardboard to my feet and lit them on fire – the resulting combustive reaction propelled me forward at such incredible speeds that I created a singularity and got sucked into it. Sorry guys! This sentence is probably the last one you’ll ever read from me, as radio waves can’t escape from a black hole. I bid adieu!
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