Humor

Cardboard is Your Friend!

Cardboard is the maligned member of the paper family.

 

Think about it.  Normal printer paper? Useful for writing, drawing, and folding into paper planes.

Tissues? Good for runny noses.

Paper towels? Perfect for big spills.

Toilet paper?  You know what that’s good for…

 

But cardboard… thrown away.  Really, what did you do with your last cardboard box?

Not to mention all the ways cardboard is used as an insult.  Think of the following examples:

This food has the flavor of cardboard.

This wallpaper looks like cardboard.

These blankets feel like cardboard.

This building is flimsier then cardboard.

 

The list goes on and on.  So in this month’s column, I will take a brave stand against anti-cardboard sentiment and tell you, dear reader, what cardboard is good for.

 

  1. Flavoring

You ever hear those people say that food tastes bland, like cardboard?  Well these people are total, utter, complete… never mind.  In any case, cardboard is intensely flavorful, with tastes ranging from rotting burlap hanging on a dead tree to sandy mud on concrete, and textures like crunchy bark and soft wetness.  Guaranteed gastronomic goodness!  Try some today by mixing cardboard, water, and protein powder for a delicious protein shake.  TRUE SCIENCE FACTS!

  1. Construction

Do you remember my New Years’ resolution to live in a tree?  Well my arboreal apartment is going very well with its cardboard-strengthened cardboard foundation with corrugated cardboard struts and a triple-layered cardboard roof.  This serves me very well, as if any of my cardboard constructions become wet and/or weak, I do not have to generate any waste by throwing it away and can simply eat it!

  1. Blankets

Just because a blanket feels like cardboard doesn’t mean its a bad blanket.  In my frugal deciduous domicile, nice blankets are hard to get and get dirty very easily.  You know what’s easy to get?  Cardboard!  They might be hard, and kind of rough, and smell a bit odd, but hey, what’s the alternative?

4. Transportation

Don’t try this at home, kids!  As a distinctly mature person who somehow also writes humor for middle schoolers, I have been given special permission to play with combustible materials in a forested environment.

 

I have thus concluded that cardboard is an excellent form of transportation.  To accomplish this incredible new form of transportation, I simply strapped cardboard to my feet and lit them on fire – the resulting combustive reaction propelled me forward at such incredible speeds that I created a singularity and got sucked into it.  Sorry guys!  This sentence is probably the last one you’ll ever read from me, as radio waves can’t escape from a black hole.  I bid adieu!

 

Source:

<a href=”https://www.freepik.com/free-photos-vectors/background”> (Schantalao/freepik)

20 Comments

  1. hahaha good one!!! oh yeah I hope your black hole will recieve this message!!!!

  2. LOL!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Great job! You should do a post on the importance of Towels.

  4. Really enjoyed your articles this year, Aaron! Maybe there will be some aliens in that black hole who like jokes. Since aliens are known for having terrible senses of humor, it will be good practice, right?

  5. Nice!! very clever.

  6. Jasmine Mailand

    Haha, great job Aaron!

  7. Even though you said not to try this at home, I tried it. I strapped cardboard to my feet and lit them on fire. This resulted in the grass catching on fire too. The fire quickly spread so the whole desert was on fire as well as my house. My mom looked out from the burning wood patio, threw her fist up, and yelled at me “I’ll get you back one day!” then the patio collapsed. Luckily she was able to escape, though she now has burned skin, bruises, and scabs. I took her to the hospital (but since I’m only 15, I can’t drive so how else could I have taken her there but with my cardboard on fire) I only caused two car accidents and caught five cars on fire in the process! My mom is recovering in the hospital today, but will be sent home on Wednesday.

  8. This is so funny, Aaron! Thank you for sharing this with us 🙂

  9. The Gaurdian Of Gahoole

    Oh man!

  10. Eleanor McClain

    Not to mention, you can take cardboard boxes and make them into
    1. Cars!
    2. Airplanes!
    3. Trains!
    Literally any type of transportation as long as you have the right stuff!

  11. I suggest cardboard pizza, just throw away your pizza and use the box! You can season with sharpies, but that washes part of the distinct sand-papery flavor, so I prefer my cardboard straight. 😉

  12. rofl good job. 😝