Ladies and Gents, I proudly to presenteth to you an historical account of the very firsteth wigs to beeth createdeth for any kindeth of formaleth occasion (Maybe I went overboard on the -eths. I’ll try to tone it down a little). It all started back at the height of the Renaissance when all men were inspired to create, write, paint, and invent.
A certain young man, a merchant by trade who sold eggs in the marketplace, decided to follow in the footsteps of the revolutionary Leonardo da Vinci and invent something truly amazing.
But he had one wee problem. All his inventions were beyond his capability to create. He was no carpenter and his math grades had never been to stellar in high school. On his shelf sat huge volumes of his sketches for hoverboards and his scientific notes for alternatives to toilet paper (He was ahead of his time).
So mad was he at his bad fortune that without thinking, he overturned a carton of eggs in his fury. The sticky mess of egg emptied from the container and got all over his hands, which he accidentally rubbed through his hair, which he had grown out quite significantly. Suddenly, a crazy thought struck him, and he began to work the egg into his hair, adding Domino’s powder sugar as he went. The end result became what was known as the Big Wig, and here ever after, he became a hair stylist and worked throughout Italy creating the updos of every famous painter’s models.
Years later, when the style had fallen into disuse, Marie Antoinette brought it back into fashion. She loved the way she could shape her hair with the sugar and egg concoction, but every time she looked at herself in the mirror, she felt as if something was missing.
“Thou art a fool, Marie,” she told herself one day. “You are to make your hair more exciting than it already is.” With that, she decided to take a walk in her gardens to brainstorm.
Unannounced to her, an assassin who meant to kill her dreweth near. From the shadows he crept like a thief in the night, sneaking up behind her.
But a crunch of gravel betrayed the villain, and Marie swung round and wildly karate chopped the man and knocked the him senseless. However, he still had enough time to make a crazy slash at her with his knife before he hit the ground. Unfortunately, the dagger landed straight in the middle of the queen’s hairdo.
Justice was done, and the assassin was sentenced to live the rest of his life on the island of perpetual calculus homework. With that done, Marie began to think.
“My dear,” said her husband after the trial of the assassin was done, “ye have something in thy hair!”
“Yes,” she mused. “By jolly, it is the dagger which landed in my wig. Do you like it there?”
“Not particularly,” said the king. “However, it would be lovely if you put some flowers there instead.” Marie decided she liked that idea and made flower crowns for all the court members. But soon that got boring, and she moved on to more ambitious hair pieces.
Soon, the French court was ablaze with ladies wearing their hair teased to the top of their heads with eggs and white powder, having taken advice from the dear old merchant. Not to be outdone by each other and following
the example of Marie, many of the women put the strangest things in their hair: whole toy boats, birds in cages, even Bob the tomato and Larry the cucumber!
Later, the big wig look was picked up by a band of Whos who liked Christmas a lot. They took this style to new heights, quite literally, by placing actual eggnog cups on their heads!
If you so wish to celebrate April fools by surprising your parents with a simply spectacularly wacky hair do, the steps to creating your own Big Wig are quite simple.
Firstly, you will need your own hair and a lot of it. Create a high ponytail on the top of your head, and then curl your hair into ringlets. Pin down each curl to make a voluminous mass on the top of your head. Kindly dump a two-liter bottle’s worth of hair spray on there, and you should be good to go!
Try putting strange things in your hair as well, just like the queen of France. However, if you do decide to stick arrows through your big wig, please, I beseech you to unscrew the arrow tips before doing so, or use blunt arrows. It is really quite dangerous.