Humor

Fairy Tales Rebooted: Goldilocks and the Three Bears

In the heart of Fairy Tale Land, there lies a city known as Su-Bear-Bia, and there live the many bear families of the land. On one particular morning, the members of one particular bear family, the Fur-gusons, were discussing their breakfast.

“You know, Mama, my breakfast sandwich is a bit too warm for me to eat. I burn my tongue every time I try to take a bite,” stated Papa bear matter-of-factly.

“You know, I think the baby’s oatmeal is a bit too warm, too.” Mama bear set the bowl of oatmeal down on the table. “Maybe we should let them cool down a bit before we eat.”

“But what should we do while we wait? You know I can’t stand waiting around and twiddling my claws.”

“Go for walk?” Baby bear’s big bright eyes looked questioningly up at his mother.

“I think that’s a wonderful idea!” Mama bear picked up her son and nodded to her husband. “Let’s go for a short walk around the block and say hello to the neighbors.”

“Hmmm… Alright then, let’s go.” Papa stood up and put on his coat. Mama bear dressed the baby in a sweater, then grabbed a fleece for herself. Then the three bears headed out the door.

“Oh, I almost forgot!” Papa bear reached into his coat pocket, pulled out a key, and locked the door behind them. “You never know who might try to break into a city apartment like ours,” he cautioned Mama.

“I know dear. You say that every time you lock the door.”

“Do I? I guess I never paid attention to that.”

“I find that typically the things people don’t pay attention to are the things they always do.” Mama agreed. The three bears walked off down the stairs of their apartment building and out the front door, Mama and Papa chatting agreeably.

Exactly two minutes and twenty-seven seconds later, the doorknob rattled. Not the front doorknob, but the one on the door that opened to the apartment’s small balcony. After a moment of rattling, the door slowly opened, and a girl’s face peeked into the apartment’s main room. Goldilocks, the infamous cat burglar, had been run out of Cat-Town by angry cats who were tired of her stealing their balls of yarn and knitting sweaters out of them (cats do not like sweaters). On the run from the CTPD, she had made her way into Su-Bear-Bia, hoping they would not chase her into the city of bears (she was wrong. Oops. Sorry. Spoiler alert). Climbing up the drainpipe, which was placed conveniently close to the Fur-gusons’ balcony, she has picked the lock and let herself in. The first thing her eyes fell on was the food on the table: a breakfast sandwich, some scrambled eggs, and a bowl of oatmeal. Not having eaten for the past three hours, she made a beeline for the breakfast sandwich. When she bit into it, she found herself with a mouthful of burning hot bread, ham, cheese, and egg. Instinctively spitting the hot mouthful on the floor, she turned to the plate of scrambled eggs. Finding that those were too cold and not realizing the Fur-gusons had a perfectly good microwave, she, at last, took a bite of the baby’s oatmeal. For her, the warm food was just right. Deciding to eat the infant bear’s breakfast, she turned her attention to the chairs. The biggest chair, belonging to Papa bear, was too stiff for her liking. The next chair, Mama’s, was too wobbly. Completely ignoring the chairs in the living room, she tried sitting in the baby’s chair and found that it satisfied her. Taking the bowl of oatmeal, she devoured the food as she rocked the chair back on two legs. As she finished the oatmeal, she lost her balance and fell backward, breaking the chair and the bowl in the process. Then she heard the front doorknob rattling. Realizing that the apartment’s occupants had returned, she darted back and forth, searching for a place to hide. Dashing into the bedroom, she leaped into the first bed she laid eyes on: the baby’s bed. As she landed on the bed, it collapsed under her weight and she hit the ground. Hearing the front door open, she dove under Papa’s bed and held her breath.

“Hey, Mama, did you take a bite of my breakfast sandwich?” Papa’s big booming voice sounded in the kitchen.

“No, dear. Why do you ask?”

“Someone’s been eating my breakfast!”

“Wait, look! Someone’s been eating my breakfast too!”

“Someone eat my food!” Baby bear squealed.

“Look, Papa! The baby’s chair is broken!”

“Hmmm… Let’s see if we can find our unexpected guest.”

The bears began sliding furniture around to find whoever had invaded their house. Failing to find anyone in the family room, they moved into the bedroom.

“Lookit! My bed broke!” Baby bear pointed at the shattered bedframe. At that moment, Goldilocks decided to make a run for it. She darted out from under Papa’s bed as he lifted the edge of it to peek underneath, sprinted to the balcony, and slid down the drainpipe straight into the arms of a burly Su-Bear-Bia police officer. The CTPD had informed their neighboring police force of the fugitive, and the Fur-gusons’ silent alarm system had activated when Goldilocks had entered the apartment without invitation. Their breakfast and furniture ruined, the Fur-gusons went to Benny Bear’s Diner for breakfast, then returned home to watch the news report on how an infamous burglar had been apprehended attempting to escape from an apartment.

“Isn’t that the girl who was hiding under my bed when we got home?” Papa inquired of Mama.

“I think it is, dear.”

“Too bad. I was about to offer her the rest of my breakfast sandwich.”

 

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10 Comments

  1. Naomi Hochstedler

    Lol… this is hilarious.

  2. Lol! this is great!

  3. HEHE!!

    Love this one!

    But i do miss the disclaimers, lol.

  4. Omigosh I love this soo muuuuch!!! But yea I agree with Eli.. I miss the disclaimers🤣

  5. This is amazing! Well done

  6. This is amazing!! I laughed out loud when I read this!

  7. hahaha, this is soooooooooooooo funny!

  8. Lol, great job! This is so funny!