Arts & Culture

Brownies — Tips and Secret Ingredients to Awe Everyone

Brownies have been, and always will be, one of the hardest desserts to prepare and bake. I don’t mean to toot my horn, but in the last few months, I have perfected the complex nuances of baking perfect brownies, and I have even experimented a bit, which, of course, has brought me great success. If you would like to discover the easiest and also the best way to bake brownies, continue reading. 

First of all, sit down and place your hands on your knees. You must prepare yourself mentally. Begin to chant “brownies, brownies, brownies” over and over. Make sure to start at a whisper then crescendo to a loud, obnoxious high pitched screech of “BROWNIES, BROWNIES, BROWNIES.” Now, most likely everyone in your house and most of your neighbors will be aware that you are about to bake brownies and will cluster around you. However, you must shoo them away—they cannot discover your secret ingredients and tips! The politest way to make sure they do not bother you again in your process is to state in a low menacing voice, “Excuse me, I’m busy baking brownies. And yes, that was a beautiful alliteration. Please do not disturb me again otherwise I will be forced to contact Kylo Ren. Now scat.” Once you have said this, shove these annoying people down the stairs into the basement’s darkest corner. Tie them together with duct tape, and for extra measures, stick a piece of duct tape over their mouth. Voilà! No more people will bother you. Plus your parents will be very impressed in how you handled this situation, especially your manners, and how courteous you were. Now, sit back down to calm your frazzled nerves before beginning the extremely complicated process of baking brownies. Meditate and hum the word “seinworb.” By saying the word “brownies” backwards, all of your angry feelings will be reversed; they will turn into happy feelings! Yay!

Now that you are hopefully calm, you may begin your brownies. Call the local grocery store to make sure they have brownie mix in stock. If they say they don’t, then you better call St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries since they might just have pixies or Blibbering Humdingers in their ears. Stores always have brownie mix. Walk, run, crawl, hop, slither, fly, or simply drive to the store, enter it, and grab the artificially flavored thick and fudgy brownie mix off the shelf (it must be artificially flavored and thick and fudgy because otherwise it will taste too healthy!)

Normal people would then go up to the cashier and pay, but you’re different. You’re a homeschooler, and we homeschoolers don’t do things the normal way. We’re trail blazers. So, with the brownie mix in hand, confidently saunter out of the store. If alarms start beeping and people realize that you haven’t paid, then shout at the top of your lungs, “I’M A HOMESCHOOLER. I HAVE MAGICAL POWERS. BEWARE. DO NOT COME CLOSE TO ME, OR I MIGHT TURN YOU INTO A GOAT.” Believe me, people will back off and leave you alone. Now, you’re free to go! 

Once you have arrived back at home, follow the directions on the back of the brownie box to create the perfect, most delicious dessert. To ensure that no one knows that you used a premixed brownie mixture to make these brownies, you must hide all of the evidence. Take the box, rip it apart, and flush it down the toilet. I mean cardboard is just stiff paper, right? It will disintegrate in the toilet water, but if things do go wrong, such as the toilet getting clogged, then blame it on the random person walking by your house or, if you’re feeling a tad bit evil, your little sister who might have escaped and is now giggling and hanging on your legs. As soon as the fire alarms begin to beep, you know it’s time to take the brownies out of the oven. It’s a specialty in Zäzødimänka to have charred brownies. So, there you have it! The simplest and most delicious way to bake brownies! Eat as much of the brownies as you desire, leaving a few crumbs, then go downstairs and free your family; however, they may be reluctant to go as it can be incredibly relaxing to spend an entire afternoon in the basement tied to other family members.

Not only have you provided your family with brownies but you have saved them over $5000 on plane tickets to Zäzødimänka by making theses charred brownies at home. Now you don’t have to travel to Zäzødimänka after all to try their specialty. Make sure your parents and siblings know this because they must thank you for your greatness. 

19 Comments

  1. Naomi Hochstedler

    Lollll…. “You’re a homeschooler, and we homeschoolers don’t do things the normal way. We’re trail blazers.” YES

  2. Cassie Disharoon

    Great article, Julia! Now excuse me while I practice my brownie chant…

  3. oh wow.. you should become a humor columnist! This is just superbly hilarious!! great job 🙂

  4. Mmmmmmmm!!! Sounds delicious! I’ll be trying this sometime in the next few days.

  5. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME I ACCTAULLY TRIED IT AND I”M LOCKED UP IN MY ROOM WHILE MY FAMILY EATS THEM ALSO AFTER THIS I DON”T GET COMPUTER FOR A WEEK REGARDLESS OF CLASSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. You did a great job! I love the way that you phrased things.

  7. SkRT jules

  8. Buy the off-brand-not-BettyCrocker-brownie box mix. Add eggs, water, and oil. Mix. Don’t bother baking it – just eat that delicious chocolaty sludge! 😁 (btw this is how i actually make brownies)

    • Oooohhh!!! yuummmmyy!! I might try that sometime after quarantine because I always used my off-brand-not-Betty-Crocker-brownie-box mix on the other recipe… it was delicious

  9. I wish it was a real recipe!

  10. also I am out of one week of no computer!

  11. Hahaha Julia this was great! I am truly inspired to go and bake some brownies! 😉

  12. “I AM A HOMESCHOOLER. I HAVE MAGICAL POWERS. BEWARE! DON’T COME CLOSE TO ME OR I’LL TURN YOU INTO A GOAT!!!!” I want to try that now….

  13. This article made my day Julia. “homeschoolers don’t do things the normal way. We’re trail blazers” I love it.

  14. Wow, I’m speechless. Amazing job, Jules! #homeschooltrailblazers

  15. OH NO
    I just did what you said and 1. I’m writing this from a jail cell, 2. My brother called Luke Skywalker on me when I threatened to call in Kylo Ren, 3. My little sister smacked me in the face with a pillow, 4. my brownies tasted horrible