Humor, Open Mic

Open Mic: An Interview with…Darth Vader by Eli Hedstrom

Eli was supposed to interview someone for school. After much thought, he chose his friend Carter. He sat down with his friend at their dining room table, right next to the front door.

“Alright, Carter,” Eli said. “Let’s get on with it. What is your favorite food?”

Carter was about to say “steak” when the door blasted open. The room filled with smoke. Eli jumped to his feet. Carter dashed under the table. Stormtroopers ran through the door and pointed their blasters at Eli. Carter screeched as he heard the unmistakable sound of heavy breathing.

As the smoke cleared, a dark, armored figure entered. The heavy breathing left no doubt in the minds of Carter and Eli – they were being visited by Darth Vader!

Vader looked straight at Eli.

“Don’t act so surprised, Eli,” he said. “You weren’t on any mercy mission this time.”

“You’re right,” Eli replied politely. “I’m just interviewing my friend for my school assignment.”

“I am altering your school assignment,” Vader said.  “Pray I don’t alter it any further.”

“You are?”

“Yes. You will now interview me.” Vader turned to his stormtroopers. “Leave us!”

They marched back to their TIE boarding craft.

Eli liked the idea of interviewing Darth Vader but hoped he would survive the ordeal. It occurred to Eli that Vader was not interested in favorite foods, so he asked permission and ran to his computer. He quickly googled “Questions to ask Darth Vader,” and printed a list.

“Lord Vader,” Eli began. “We are honored by your presence. Will you please sit down?”

“You may dispense with the pleasantries, Eli.” Vader replied, but he did sit down.

“OK, uh, sir. What did you think of the Rise of Skywalker?”

At this Vader stood up and ignited his lightsaber.

“Those Disney Directors!” he shouted. “They have failed me for the last time! They are part of the Rebel Alliance and traitors! All they gave me in that movie was two lines! Why would they do such a thing?!”

He looked at Eli for an answer.

“Well, sir, according to the Star Wars timeline,” Eli stammered, “you’re dead.”

“According to the Star Wars timeline, Palpatine is dead too!” Vader replied. “Why didn’t they bring me back to life? For one thing, if you go to their website, Palpatine’s theme is the ninth best theme song in the Star Wars saga. But my theme is the second best, losing only to the main theme.”

“Impressive,” Eli said. “But maybe they thought Palpatine was scarier.”

“Scarier, indeed! Why I’ve choked at least three of my own officers, and I have a deep voice. As for Palpatine’s way of showing off his force lightning abilities, I could do that too, except I’m wearing expensive gloves, and the lightning would melt them.”

“I see,” Eli said. “Maybe we should move on to the next question.”

Vader nodded and turned off his lightsaber.

“What do you think is the best ship in the Imperial fleet?”

“The Super Star Destroyer,” Vader snorted. “That was all too easy.”

“Hmm,” said Eli. “What do you think of your grandson?”

“Kylo Ren?” Vader let out a huge sigh. “Not a bad chap, but he needs to learn how to properly manufacture the weapon of the Sith instead of carrying that sizzle-saber.”

Eli wondered about this. Then he asked, “So why did you become a Sith anyway?”

Vader answered, “Why do you think? If I stayed a Jedi, I would have to have that silly Force theme for a theme song. Since I became a Sith, I got the Imperial March for my theme song.”

“I like the Imperial March,” Eli said. “I can play it on the piano.”

“Play it,” Vader ordered.

Eli hesitated, and Vader said, “Do you think you are being treated unfairly?”

“No,” Eli answered.

“Good. It would be unfortunate if I had to leave a garrison here. Play it. It is your destiny.”

“I might make a few mistakes,” Eli stated.

“Do not underestimate the power of the force,” Vader replied.

Eli walked to the piano, and nervously played the Imperial march, making only a few mistakes. He looked at Vader expectantly.

“Impressive,” Vader said. “Most impressive. But do not become too proud of this, Eli. The ability to play my theme song on the piano is insignificant next to the power of the force.”

Eli nodded.

Just then Admiral Piett ran in. “Lord Vader! We’ve just discovered the whereabouts of the Rebel Alliance!” he said breathlessly. “They’ve set up a space station in an asteroid field with the power to make a million pizzas a minute!”

“Asteroids do not concern me, Admiral,” Vader said. “However, I cannot overlook the pizzas. Prepare my shuttle!”

Vader turned to Eli. “Intriguing questions,” he said. “You have learned much, young one. Your teacher has taught you well.”

Eli watched as Vader turned and left with his stormtroopers. Carter crawled out from under the table.

Eli spotted something on the floor. “A real stormtrooper blaster!” he yelled.

“Let’s go outside and try it out,” Carter said, and they ran outside together to do some target practice.

______________________________

Meet the Author

How old are you?
I am fifteen years old.

Where do you live?
I live on Tattooine – just kidding! I live in Lakefield, Minnesota.

What classes are you taking with TPS?
I am taking English 3 with Ms. Gaines.

What’s your favorite thing about writing
I love telling stories and making people laugh.

What’s your favorite Star Wars movie?
The Empire Strikes Back or maybe The Force Awakens. They’re both good.

8 Comments

  1. I literally googled “questions to ask darth vader” when I read that part lol

  2. XD That was awesome! Great job man!

  3. Thanks all! Glad you liked it!

  4. Haha. Technically, if you think about it, Darth Vader wouldn’t be mad at the directors, because near the end of 6 he became good, and he’s a force ghost so he’s technically “alive” in some sense of the word.

  5. L O L