Back in the early days of the Muslim Empire, a young beggar by the name of Aladdin happened to stumble upon a “Cave of Wonders,” in which he found something which would change his life forever.
Of course, many of you already know the story of Aladdin and the lamp, as it was popularized by the 1992 animated film, which, for the most part, is historically accurate. However, one scene in particular was distorted beyond reason, that being when Aladdin rubs the lamp for the first time and the genie provides a presentation (in the form of a song) of how the system works.
In an effort to repair the historical damage, we at clay have, after several years of research, found the complete and fully accurate dialogue between Aladdin and the genie, starting near the end of the introductory song (as that is the point when the film began to go off course):
Genie (singing the last portion of his song): You ain’t never had a frieeeeeeeeeeeend!
[Aladdin exhibits on offended frown.]
Aladdin: How dare you assume that I’ve never had a friend?! That’s one of the most insulting remarks I have ever heard!
Genie: I’m sorry, I must’ve sung that last line incorrectly… [He pulls out a script from nowhere and scans the last line… despite his skin being a deep shade of blue, his face turns a very intense red.] Dang it. I made a typo while writing my script… I’ve been singing that for all my masters in the past millennium. It should be “you ain’t never had a friend like me.”
Aladdin: Well, it doesn’t really matter for me because it’s actually pretty true.
Genie: Well before you start congratulating yourself on finally getting a friend, I’d like to warn you that this is more like an awkward business partnership which I’ve been forced to call a friendship in an effort for my masters to use their last wish and free me. But to get to the feature presentation, you’d better start making your wishes, because I don’t have all day…. Wait, actually that was a lie [a calendar magically appears, and he starts flipping through it]. It appears my schedule is open for the next few hundred years.
Aladdin: Weeeeell, of course I’m gonna wish to be rich.
Rich: C’mon dude! You know what I meant!
Genie: Did I though? I think you were being rather vague. What’s your second wish?
Rich (with some grumbling): I want a lot of money.
[Rich looks around himself and finds nothing has changed.]
Rich (this time yelling in fury): Was I too vague that time too?!
Genie: “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.”
Rich: I’m pretty sure that’s from the Bible.
Genie: What about it?
Rich: I’m from the middle of Arabia in the 9th century.
Genie: Oh, that’s a point. In that case, your money will be waiting outside the cave, but you’d better get to it fast because there are robbers taking it ALL right now.
Rich: Well what are we waiting for? For my last wish I’d like–
Genie: To free me? Granted.
Genie: Thank you so much! I’ve been waiting for this moment for millennia. See ya later (actually not), and good luck getting out of the cave, kiddo!