Spring is soon to come now (only 500 more years, when you add your school load to it), and with it will be many opportunities to go camping. However, I realize that many of you have never gone camping before, so I’m giving you my advice here in order that you don’t get mauled by a grizzly bear or something of the sort.
Some may ask what makes me so qualified to address this daunting task. That is a very good question, and deserves a good answer. I will start with my own experiences. I have gone camping innumerable times in the most dangerous environment in the world: my bedroom, armed with a mere sleeping bag. When my family has guests over and we run out of beds, I’m forced to sleep on the floor, and trust me, my bedroom is an extremely dangerous place to sleep. You never know what perils you may encounter, especially when my brother is home from college. It’s like sleeping in the same room as the grizzly mentioned above.
Back to the advice, I have compiled a few tips for y’all, which are sure to get you through a weekend of camping with at least your life (albeit maybe you’ll lose a few limbs):
- If you are camping in a grizzly-infested forest (it’s soooo fun), always bring an airsoft pistol and air horn with you. If you happen to stumble across a bear, first kick it to show your dominance. If, instead of running away (like it’s supposed to), it begins to advance on you, start blaring your air horn in its face. Such an annoying sound is sure to deter even the most determined bears. If even that doesn’t work, employ your airsoft gun. Grizzlies exhibit distinct aversions to airsoft pellets. If it still is charging you, look it straight in the eye. That will further reinforce your dominance. I have a lot of experience in this field–I’ve trained quite extensively on my brother, and once managed to survive a full seven seconds.
These tactics can also be used on pet guinea pigs (just don’t kick them, of course). If you notice one giving you that characteristic look of I’m going to maul you like a grizzly bear unless you feed me, just reference the above procedures.
2. Another tactic you can use in a dangerous forest is, instead of taking the bare necessities along, take along a task force of several hundred supply trucks and mini-homes. This was a popular technique among the wealthy back in the day.
If that seems too passive for you, however, you can always just cut down the entire forest and make a massive city. Then you can just camp on the streets in absolute safety.
3. If you are ever fishing on a lake and you somehow spring a leak, don’t worry, we have a solution for that. Proper procedures are to make several other holes in your boat, which will alleviate the water pressure coming through the original leak, and thereby slow it down. In fact, if you just remove the hull altogether, the water pressure will be reduced drastically, and you should have enough time to row back to land.
If you happen to get lost while fishing on a lake, you can always just camp in your boat for the night. Make a fire by smashing your oars into kindling and burning it in the bottom of your boat.
If you follow these few simple tips, the likelihood of your survival could rise to five percent! Just remember your air horn.