Hello my dear readers, y’all may be getting ready for Christmas during this time if everything is going well. I say if, as I recently cried so much after writing my last article I drowned in crumpled cheeseburgers and suffered from severe dehydration. Yes, I wipe my eyes with cheeseburgers. Don’t you? The grease waterproofs your eyes, preventing further crying. You can also eat the cheeseburgers. I believe that’s the alternative usage.
Anyway, if everything went my way (which it rarely does), your Christmas celebrations would be complete by Halloween. In fact, every holiday, including Flag Day, Thanksgiving, etc. would be celebrated all throughout the month of October. Thus instead of myriad holidays that pose scheduling issues, we could all enjoy homogeneous thankful, merry, patriotic month of “Holiday”. Or, for the “multi-hyphenated” “creatives” out there who make “art”, “Thanksgivichristma-day”. It rolls smoothly off the tongue, a jumbled mess of consonants and vowels that doesn’t actually mean anything.
Obviously, this would present some difficulties. Every piece of holiday merchandise with a date on it would need to be thrown out and/or corrected. But never fear! From my fertile imagination comes the revolutionary new “Octoberian” calendar, where every month is named “October”. Happy 4th of July? Merry Christmas? Have a Thankful November? Nope, they will all be “October”. This will prevent whole inventories of holiday merchandise from being trashed.
Additionally, people who create their schedules one year out would have their heads and bullet notebooks explode. Quite literally. What am I going to do with all that time? I have to move all the time sensitive assignments out of October? HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS! Cue heavy breathing and panicking. I should also mention this is totally not based off of my real life experiences.
Ignore the sounds of meticulous planners being thrown through office walls. What about the pros of celebrating every holiday in October? First of all, it is awesome. Second of all, it is very good. Third, this page of the thesaurus is missing. I mean, those annoying reminders that so and so holiday is tomorrow will be replaced with a notification that October is tomorrow. In fact, there will be no notifications at all, as October will be every month!
Additionally, for a whole month, we get to enjoy the company of our beloved and totally not annoying relatives, like Daniel “I Disagree” who seems to be the only person who hates chocolate, and Uncle Bobe who keeps his money in offshore accounts and insists that his name be spelled with an “e” at the end.
Not to mention the flexibility this provides to everyone else who does not plan their entire year in advance. By celebrating every holiday in the same month, we finally have the freedom to choose the exact dates – as long as it is sometime in October; we don’t look like social pariahs!
And so a belated (albeit late) holiday season to my readers – and remember, its never too late celebrate October like its meant to be.
Image Source: <https://www.dictionary.com/e/october/>