Each year, we at clay send an emissary up to the north pole to report the goings on there. I was honored to be selected as this year’s agent for the job, but what I found was absolutely shocking.
After Christmas of 2018, the United Nations of the Poles (UNP) voted to reform the Christmas system, specifically that of Santa Claus’ working style. How exactly did they change it?
1. Christmas is going green. You don’t have to expect any snow this year, folks. The UNP voted to destroy the Arctic Blast Fan (a giant fan located on the North Pole that is turned on each winter to blow all the snow further south). They hope that instead of those horrible white Christmases, we’ll have a greener, cleaner Christmas.
2. Speaking of cleaner, Santa is transitioning to clean energy. First to go is the reindeer sleigh, which will be replaced with an electric sleigh (due to the fact that the reindeer livestock industry contributes considerably to carbon emissions). He is further attempting to eradicate any symbols of pollution, including chimneys. From now on, he will not enter through the chimney. Instead, he generally opts for the plumbing.
3. Furthermore, the UNP has taken a more progressive stance on labor, allowing elves to form labor unions. These unions are addressing problems such as working in the dark. Due to the fact that the North Pole has no electric power, elves have often been forced to work long hours without light. The UNP recently passed legislation that elves can only work during daylight hours. However, this poses a problem because half the year is dark–including Christmas. Santa has proposed that they disband elven labor altogether and replace them with robotic elves.
Despite all the progress the UNP has made so far, it has been delayed by a series of unforeseeable events. In an effort to make Christmas cleaner and greener, Santa & Co.™ took it upon itself to melt Antarctica with hairdryers. In response, the United Nations (the single greatest competitor of the United Nations of the Poles) started an investigation. What they discovered was astounding. Not only has Santa been melting Antarctica, but his hairdryers have been the single greatest contribution to global warming in the past 20 years.
The UN has jailed Santa for an indefinite period, and in the meantime the UNP has been endeavoring to get him back.
Due to the lack of elven labor and the unavailability of Santa’s extraordinary commuting habits for this winter, Christmas of 2019 has been postponed until further notice. The latest estimate published by the UNP puts Christmas sometime in July of next year. So keep your trees for the time being, and, if you wish, you can put your Christmas songs on repeat for the next seven months.