Disclaimer: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and clay Magazine. It may not be used, viewed, printed, sliced in half with a lightsaber (sliced into thirds is fine), hidden somewhere deep in wild space, given to anyone with connections to the Dark Side (lookin’ at you, Kylo Ren), or fed to a hungry bantha without the expressed consent of Jake Moore and clay Magazine.
Jake: Greetings once again, people of the galaxy!
D-0: Weeoo, weet!
Jake: D-0, buddy, you have to wait until I finish my opening monologue.
D-0: Oo. (lowers head sorrowfully)
BB-8: Eewee beebeep!
Jake: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you, D-0. I just have to introduce you guys first.
R2: Beep oo weow.
Jake: Hang on, R2. This is my column, so I have to introduce you. Ok?
Jake: Ok, cool. Um… Where was I?
D-0: Oo ee weeweep.
Jake: Oh, right. Thanks. (Ahem) As probably all of you know, it’s December. That means it’s time for Christmas wreaths, fake Santas at every shopping center, last-minute gift shopping, and, for nerds/geeks/multiversal explorers such as myself, Star Wars!
Jake: R2, I’m not done yet. Anyway, for those of us who have been following Star Wars for some time, we have reached the end of an era. The Skywalker Saga is coming to a close, and thus I felt it appropriate to interview someone from that universe for this month. Now, this is usually the point where I make a grandiose introduction, but since the three droids I invited already introduced themselves…
BB-8: Wee weow.
Jake: Exactly. So, let’s skip the unnecessary intro and go right to the chaos!
D-0: Weeoo wee?
Jake: What? Did I say chaos? I meant questions. Obviously.
R2: Beep beep burr.
Jake: Oi! Language! This is a family magazine.
R2: Ooweep beebeep.
Jake: Yeah, I know they can’t understand anything you’re saying, but you should still watch what you say. Besides, what kind of example are you setting for the younger generation? (indicates BB-8 and D-0)
R2: Weeoo beep!
Jake: No, I’m not calling… Actually, I guess I am calling you old. ‘Cause you kind of are.
Jake: Still, my point stands. Watch the language.
R2: Beep weet.
Jake: Good. Now, I want to know how you guys feel about the Skywalker Saga ending. Let’s go youngest to oldest, so D-0 goes first.
D-0: Weeweeoo beebeep wee!
Jake: Alright, so you’re pretty excited to be in a Star Wars film. What about you, BB?
BB-8: Beep weet weebeep.
Jake: So kinda sad that it’s ending but excited to see where Star Wars goes from here. R2?
Jake: (chuckling) Tired, huh? Well, at least you’ll get some rest after New Year’s.
D-0: Weebeep beep?
Jake: Umm, I don’t know about that. I mean, you’re adorable, so I think they might put you in more films, or maybe a TV show or something like that…
BB-8: Weeoo oo.
Jake: Ah, so you know the inside scoop, eh? What’s the future of Star Wars look like, my little spherical friend?
BB-8: Weeweeoo beebeep wee wooweebeep.
BB-8: Ooweebeep woweep beebeep.
Jake: You don’t say?
BB-8: Weeoo beep beeow.
Jake: Wow, sounds exciting! Can’t wait to see it myself!
D-0: Weet weeoo!
R2: Weebeep oow!
Jake: Guys, don’t argue. I’m sure everyone will love both of you.
D-0: Weeweeow weet?
Jake: Nah, those aren’t real lightsabers. I keep the real one on my belt here, see? (holds out lightsaber for D-0).
(Beep! Beep! Beep!)
Jake: Well, looks like we’re up on time, so…
Jake: Why are you giggling?
BB-8: (giggles even more)
Jake: Wait, that wasn’t my timer, was it?
BB-8: (shakes his head) Beeboop.
Jake: Sneaky, very sneaky. I thought something was missing from my article. I guess all we need now is…
Jake 57: (Falls through the ceiling and lands on the desk, causing it to promptly fall in pieces.)
Jake: …A visit from one of my doppelgangers.
Jake 57: (Getting up and dusting himself off) Sorry! I was chasing a little yellow pill-shaped guy through the air duct because he stole my banana, but then I saw these two interesting-looking levers, so I pulled one and fell through the ceiling.
Jake: It’s fine. That desk was a breakaway desk.
Jake 57: Why were you working at a breakaway desk?
Jake: Just in case someone falls through the ceiling.
Jake 57: (after an awkward pause) Huh?
Jake: It’s just a little bit of cartoon wisdom.
(Beep! Beep! Beep!)
Jake: R2, stop trying to trick me. I know it’s you.
R2: (holds out timer) Weeweeow.
Jake: Oh, I guess we should wrap up then. Say bye, 57.
Jake 57: (indicates the droids) Aren’t they gonna say goodbye, too?
Jake: No point. Nobody will understand them.
Jake 57: Oh, ok. Byeeeeeeeee!
Jake: See you next time everyone! Always remember to chew your food fifteen times before swallowing, and have a merry Christmas!