Happy November, everyone! It’s the month of Thanksgiving and… stale Christmas stuff. But before we go into all out sicko – I’m sorry, jolly – mode, take a moment to check out “Mashed Yams,” a Thanksgiving movie guaranteed to become a classic.
The film begins rather darkly, with a chef juggling knives as he mashes yams and marshmallows together with his feet. Suddenly, his kitchen is overrun with a scene from Jurassic Park, with roaring dinosaurs and screeching insects, leaving nothing behind other than wrecked plates and a little sign reading “Welcome to Isla Nubar.”
After a short period of darkness, perhaps to cleanse the viewer’s brain of what they just saw, the movie switches to an idyllic scene of a family happily having Thanksgiving dinner. The scene is cut short by the director, who happens to be James Cameron, storming in and ranting about how Thanksgiving dinners need more action and fighting to attract views and whatnot. In the midst of Cameron’s epic expression of his enmity, the set is destroyed by a combination of a storming mob of velociraptors and a falling dumpster. When the dust clears, the only thing left is a small sign reading “Thank you for watching.”
The movie runs for over 6 hours, making the aforementioned small sign out of place. I do not have the patience or word space to summarize all 6 hours, so enjoy some key plot points first.
The movie is not actually live action, but actually highly advanced claymation and CGI. This works relatively well, except that the characters have googly eyes and conspicuous fingerprints on their faces. Their limbs are also prone to falling off. For example, in the rather unexpected epic fight scene, Thanos attempts to snap his fingers to ensure complete and utter victory, only for his arms to fall off and the paint on his boots to spontaneously combust. Havoc ensues, ended only when someone’s voice (presumably James Cameron’s) begins shouting “Cut!”
As in the last film I reviewed (Gone with the Wind), the majority of the filming seems to have been done in a relatively tasteful living room. By “relative”, I mean that some of the walls and floor are missing and replaced with the still smoldering remains of a loaded garbage truck. Thankfully, the claymation continues on top of a small table perched on the relatively whole roof.
Another scene begins with similar darkness. The music crescendos. And then, a massive, glowing Minecraft creeper explodes out of the darkness, body aflame. Decaying teletubbies burst out of the darkness, bodies similarly aflame or dripping with toxic fluid. Explosions and horrific screams provide a fitting soundtrack.
This film was discovered on a floppy disk embedded in the walls of Tutankhamen’s tomb, between his cell phone and warp drive. How Tutankhamen possessed such technology is unknown.
An advanced facial recognition program was also used to cross reference the original film files. This program identified one of the claymation dolls as Seth Rogen. Indeed, Rogen had been shrunk and then coated with clay, giving him the appearance of a claymation doll. Why this was done, instead of just having Seth Rogen make a clay version of himself and shrink that, was unknown.
Overall, I found this movie to be thought provoking and useful for analytical thought. Why do velociraptors keep running through the set? Why is it called “Mashed Yams” if mashed yams actually only appear once? Do Brussel sprouts really have anatomically correct skeletons? Why do Teletubbies and Creepers keep showing up for no reason and scaring me? Is there even a plot? These questions, and many others, will provide food for thought for ages to come.