Star Wars: The Musical

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker will be in theaters by mid December, and (of course) a string of thought-provoking theories has accompanied the frenzy of preparation. Just recently, though, a bit of information has been leaked from Lucasfilm concerning the plot, inciting much controversy and conflicting opinions.

In the past four years, Disney has released four movies, and its audience has gotten rather tired of seeing the same repetitive plots over and over again. As its fans have begun to disappear, Disney has decided to market its movies towards a different audience. Now, instead of hip teenagers and older Star Wars fans, they are looking at sheltered homeschoolers and overprotective parents–a family friendly film in the form of, you guessed it… a musical!

According to the recent intelligence, the movie will utilize a battle scene between Rey and Kylo Ren to create a percussion-based song, each note being produced by their lightsabers making contact. But the fighting will not be the primary focus of the scene–they fear that would be too violent for homeschoolers. Rather, it will focus on a dancing Chewbacca, who will provide the vocal highlight throughout most of the film. In the same scene, Storm Troopers and rebel droids will serve as cheerleaders for each of the combatants.

It appears that the music will be in the form of rap, but some hip-hop and even a bit of classical music (primarily Mozart and Beethoven) will be included. Disney has requested The Piano Guys to create a second Cello Wars soundtrack for the movie, but because including both the old, traditional soundtrack and the newer, more sensitive one has proved difficult, the directors have decided to scrap the old songs altogether, including the main theme and the Imperial March.

The plot itself has changed significantly. Instead of the usual Jedi versus Sith theme, it will be about Rey, revealed to be a Skywalker, rising to be the greatest opera singer of the galaxy. But the plot thickens… Kylo, exposed as a second Skywalker, also wants to be the greatest opera singer of the galaxy. But of course there can only be one, so they battle it out in the Star Wars talent show, Galaxy’s Got Talent. Eventually Rey triumphs, sings a celebratory final song, and reconciles with Kylo. The duo then walks away into the sunset as a narrator states, “No matter who wins, the most important thing is family.” The two turn to each other and echo, “Family,” bringing the trilogy to an end.

This new plot has been quite popular among circles of homeschooling moms. A self-identified helicopter parent stated, “I’ve been homeschooling my single child for almost 30 years now–I don’t want him to be corrupted by the outside world. Over all these years, I’ve let him watch 3.98 movies (I thought the end credits might not be the best thing to watch), and now that Disney has made this new version of Star Wars, it opens a whole new level of entertainment for my 36-year-old. I especially like that they stressed the importance of family at the end there.”

However, the film does have its critics. Another parent stated, “If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a yellow jelly bean–followed by a close second of musicals.”

Whatever the consequences, we do know that this plotline is revolutionary in the Star Wars series, revealing its true purpose: family.


  1. This is already a better plot idea than what I am expecting for the actual episode IX.

  2. Ahahahahaha Nice work Aaron! This is hilarious!

  3. It’s November and we’re already getting the movie spoiled. T^T

    I can’t wait!

  5. Oh my Goodness! This is Hilarious! I think i might actually like this Star Wars Movie ????

  6. That is awesome…I was already looking forward to episode IX, now I am even more excited

  7. Wow… Star Wars might have a chance of being original again…
    And I’m really glad that movies are finally being marketed to 36-year-old homeschoolers.
    Thank you for taking the time to find the facts, Aaron.


  9. Lol! This is great!

  10. This is awesome. I’ve been waiting for a movie that is SHA (sheltered homeschooler approved) 🙂

  11. This is hilarious! I almost died laughing xD

  12. LOL ???? Chewbacca was kind of a flat character in the last one so I’m glad they’re giving him a bigger part ????

  13. hahahahahaaahaha omigosh I love this waaaaay too much!!!!

  14. This is so funny! I love the Sheltered Homeschoolers jokes.

  15. Very funny, just hoping that you’re description is not better than the actual movie. :joy: