Despicable Me – A Sad Tale

Many of you remember the smash hit film “Despicable Me,” a “heart warming” and “humorous” tale of villainy and “parenting”.

Those scare quotes were on purpose, as none of those adjectives apply. All those big-time newspaper movie reviewers were wrong. “Despicable Me” is a dramatic, sorrowful tale that rivals James Cameron’s magnum opus “Titanic” in its sadness. Prepare to be a sodden mess before you get halfway through this article.

Rest assured that this is an actual still from the film, despite highly resembling an amateur meme created on a word processor and edited with an online manipulation program.
Despite its plainness, the raw emotional power of this image is immediately evident. It is not just some meme that would get 20 upvotes on reddit; it is the work of a skilled director that rivals even aforementioned James Cameron’s “Titanic”. The pixelated texture and overly brightened colors beats Picasso’s Blue Period in their emotional content. As I write this with the image in front of me, I can barely contain my tears. The level of sadness in this image is overwhelming. It makes my vision so blurred that I can barely write, most likely repeating myself several times and making redundant comments on this image and writing choppily. Please excuse me while I cart away the several pounds of used tissues that have piled on my desk.

Also, the clip, “Steal the Moon”, from this tearjerker of a motion picture further supports my point. To the untrained eye, the clip seems like a humorous two minutes, good for unwinding after a hard night of homework. (Do note that my version of unwinding after a hard night of homework is either wracking my brain to extract humor from not funny movies (like this one)). However, to the well trained and ultra dank mind of mine, this is quite obviously a scene created to tug at the audience’s heartstrings. In the great crowd of “adorable” (re: heartstring-pulling) minions, many of them are bald. Baldness is one of the absolute worst fates to befall mankind, even worse then the first true injury of mankind, when Discoverer of Fire Ooog got short-term baldness after his hair caught on fire. To see such yellow objects lack hair is unspeakably emotional.

Overall, I award Despicable Me a five out of five thousand possible review points, for uninspired film-making, lack of a plot, dry lack of emotion, and basic unoriginality. If that wasn’t evident from my statements, try reading the article again.
(I also have short-term memory loss, like Dory the blue tang, who will be the subject of my next article!).


  1. can’t stop laughing lololololol

  2. Jonathan Carmichael

    Hey now I’d be careful when you’re pitying bald people; you remember what happened to those kids that made fun of Elisha…XD great job!

  3. So… How do you feel about Mr. Crosby?

  4. im crying and screaming illumination wouldnt do this

  5. I wonder… so Ooog Discoverer-of-Fire must have discovered said fire before the events of Genesis 4, right…? Just so I’m getting my history timelines straight… 😉

  6. I could barely read this article, my eyes were so blurry.

  7. I’m looking at piles of used tissues beside me.