Disclaimer: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and clay magazine. It may not be used, viewed, printed, turned into a cape, folded into a ninja throwing star for fighting off hungry bears (I doubt that one would work anyway), fed to a dog (this is NOT homework), or written on the back of to create a contract in which one party must wash the other party’s mustache (okay, so that one was just for fun) without the expressed consent of Jake Moore and clay magazine.
Jake: Hello once again, my loyal readers (and my un-loyal ones)! Once again, I have planted myself in a desk chair to bring you hilarity and laughter at my fictional expense. In case you were wondering after reading the title, no, it hasn’t started snowing where I am. I’d have to be in the Southern Hemisphere for that to happen, and since I live in the U.S., snow is not a frequent sight in the summer/fall. Come to think of it, we don’t see much of it in the winter either… never mind. You may be asking “Well, Jake, what this I read about a snowball fight?” I’m glad you asked! It gives me the perfect opportunity to introduce my guest this month…
Snowball: The Invincible Captain Snowball! Hero of New York City and pets everywhere! Dun-dadadun! Dada-dada-dadun!
Jake: Uhh, Snowball?
Jake: Hey, Snowball? Interview?
Snowball: Oh. Yeah, right.
Jake: Okay, so… You’re a superhero now?
Snowball: Yep, the best one out there! There ain’t nobody who can defeat Captain Snowball!
Snowball: Don’t you wish you were a superhero?
Jake: But I am. I travel the multiverse helping people who need me…
Snowball: Wait, hold on a minute. What’s a multiverse?
Jake: I think it would take too long to explain. Oh, that reminds me, “Renegade”.
Snowball: What’s that supposed to mean?
Jake: It’s my superhero name. And also the code word I use so that the readers can tell me from an imposter.
Snowball: Woah, you mean, like, there are people who want to pretend to be you?
Jake: Something like that.
Snowball: Wow. I hope somebody will try to impersonate me someday.
Jake: Wait, why? It’s really confusing.
Snowball: ‘Cause that would mean someone wants to be me!
Jake: …And that’s a good thing?
Snowball: Of course it is! It means people look up to you as a hero, and they wish they could be just like you!
Jake: Oh… I guess I’ve never thought about it that way before.
Snowball: By the way, if you want to keep trying to stop imposters, you need to figure out a different method than a code phrase.
Jake: I do? Wait, why?
Snowball: Because the imposter could just read it in the article! Then they’d know what to say to make people think it’s you!
Jake: Oh, whoops. You’ve got a point there.
Snowball: And that’s why I’m the one out in the city saving lives, and you’re the one sitting at the desk.
Jake: Hey, wait a minute…
(Beep! Boing! BANG!)
Snowball: AAAHHH! What wazzat!?
Jake 23: (Appears out of thin air) Oh, sorry, that’s mine. I think I left it last time I was here…
Snowball: AAAHHH! Who’s that!?
Jake: Oh, sorry Snowball, this is Jake 23. He’s a more superhero-ish version of me from another Earth.
Snowball: I didn’t understand most of that, but I heard “superhero”!
Jake 23: By the way, Prime, it is time for you to wrap up.
Jake: Oh, yeah. I forgot.
Jake 23: And that’s why I’m the one out saving lives, and you’re the one sitting at a desk.
Snowball: I guess I should say goodbye, huh?
Jake: (sighs) Yeah, now would be a good time to do it.
Snowball: Bye everybody who I can’t see!
Jake: Well, that’s all, folks! Until next time…