Disclaimer: This advice was compiled by an athlete who has never won at anything in his life.
Well folks, fall season is upon us once again, and, frankly, we’re not ready for it (once again). So now it’s time to commence the annual process of moseying off our giant beanbags and doing some workouts to burn those flabs. This year, though, we’ve compiled a list of the latest and greatest techniques (used by many of the most advanced athletes, such as Usain Bolt) to catalyze your athletic training. Just follow these simple tips and you’re bound to be among the top contestants in your sport.
1. Stock up on carbs – Some say that sports is 30% training and 70% diet. This is true in most cases, especially when it comes to consuming energy. In other words, you need to stockpile as many carbs as possible. The greatest source of these is found in candies and soda. Have you ever noticed how a can of Dr. Pepper has almost 70 carbs? That’s a lot. In fact, it comprises about 22% of the daily value. The primary trick, then, is to lay back while you’re still binge watching those TV shows and down a few cans of Dr. Pepper and Sweet Tarts each night. This will ensure that you’re stocked up on lots of carbs for the coming competitions.
2. (For water sports) Stockpile floaties – For safety concerns, athletes engaged in water sports should wear floaties. These work very well with water polo, rowing, fishing, scuba diving, and diving (you may have your arms dislocated, but at least you’ll be safe). Lots of these will be required, as they are prone to popping when especially strong athletes inadvertently flex, so stockpile as many as possible before the season begins. The sooner the better, because everyone will be trying to beat you to it, and there’s a limited supply. The best types are those with Dora the Explorer or Star Wars characters on them. For racing sports, jet-powered floaties can also be purchased. Also make sure to don them whenever you get a drink from your water bottle–you can never be too careful, or you might internally drown.
3. Digital training is superior to physical training – Right now I’d like to dispel a common myth, which claims, “no pain, no gain.” This implies that you must train hard and put lots of effort into your sport in order to come out on top. This is simply not true. Rather, the best training is usually the result of not trying, but rather, becoming acquainted with the logistics of your sport. The best way to accomplish this is by playing video games. So if you play basketball, there’s no need to attend practice so long as you substitute it for some basketball video games. Same with soccer, baseball, football, and extreme ironing (is there a video game for that?). I mean, are these even legitimate sports when compared to E-Sports? It doesn’t get any better than that.
Now if you’re just one of those people who fails at everything, even despite this absolutely incredible advice, you’re still in luck. Nowadays, our society has had a revelation that everyone needs the same rewards no matter how much work they put into it. So, hopefully, you will soon have just as many medals as that kid you’ve always envied for winning at all the participation games and getting those trophies. Otherwise, these tips are sure to put you ahead of the pack. They are, in essence, legal steroids.