Featured, Humor

Gone with the Wind – A 2016 NBA Finals Story

Despite our young years, many of us indubitably remember the 2016 NBA finals. No matter where you lived, the result of this historic competition brought great emotions: if you lived in California, you spent the rest of the year dressed in black, while if you lived anywhere else, you largely didn’t care.

The aforementioned historic event is now immortalized, for all of time, in the new documentary: Gone with the Wind, a 2016 Finals story.

The film begins with an authentic film reel, replete with the sound of the rolls of film clicking, melodramatic music, basketballs blowing across an apocalyptic wasteland, and a few crumpled Gatorade bottles rolling across the dust. An announcer reads as the words appear on the screen…

“There was a land of Cavaliers and Basketballs called Ohio… Here in this pretty world LeBron James and his team took its last bow.. Here was the last ever to be seen of the Cleveland Cavaliers and their Ladies Fair, of Master and Slave… Look for it only in books, for it is no more than a dream remembered. A Civilization of Teams Gone With the Wind…”

The entire film is a mix between Gone with the Wind and sports revenge fantasy — the anonymous scriptwriter and actors can be given some creative leeway, as crumbling copies of the original screenplay indicate being written before the Finals were completed, when some modicum of hope that the Warriors could beat the Cavaliers was still present. Additionally, LeBron James was framed as the main antagonist and the state of Ohio was heavily mentioned, reflective of the years when LeBron still played for the Cavaliers, not the Brooklyn Nets.

First, a quick summary of the incongruous and convoluted plot:
The main character, incongruously named “Scarlett O’Hara,” lives a wealthy and frivolous life, mainly focused on the latest nearby man and why her Gatorade bottle is empty. Her father, the owner of Quicken Loans Stadium, struggles to instill in her the idea that the only thing worth working for, fighting for, and dying for are sports stadiums; Scarlett ignores his copious admonitions and continues her frivolously excessive consumption of Gatorade. In fact, in the entire script, the only word mentioned more than “Gatorade” and “stadium” is the word “the.” Nevertheless, the plot then pivots to in medias res, which depicts a scene of mayhem, where gunshots, cannon shots and basketballs can be seen and heard flying everywhere. Recovered subtitles describe the scene as Oracle Arena, where the playing is described as ‘heated.” In fact, Mo Williams (a player for the Cavaliers), turns out to have been killed during the playing from an injury derived from a t-shirt gun. Despite suffering a casualty, the Warriors won — even more, despite being a close friend to Mo, Scarlett doesn’t care and instead goes to a ball, which is stormed by Steph Curry’s Army on their famous March to the Sea. To escape the victory-rabid Warriors fans, Scarlett and Rhett escape to the nearby Carly Rae Jepsen concert, inside of which they are able to survive the onslaught of Californians.

The rest of the plot is overly complicated, so I can not retell it accurately. Here are some important plot points:
– In one scene, an assistant jumps in from the side screaming “Cut the film!” while a garbage truck smashes through the room, and in the scene in a “Carly Rae Jepsen concert”, one of the “rabid Warriors fans” is merely sitting on the couch listening to “I Really Like You.” Meanwhile, the chandelier collapses on the camera, cutting the torturous film short.

Riffing Scarlet’s famous proclamation that “I’ll never be hungry again”, the Scarlett in this film proclaims, “I will not never be not un-hungry again,” subsequently causing the harried director’s head to explode at the same time the mini fridge’s door swings open, revealing a large amount of fast food. At the very end of the film, minutes before a garbage truck barrels through the remaining door and seconds after a right-hand man bought a new camera, Scarlett proclaims “Tomorrow is not never another day!” in an ear-piercing falsetto. Thankfully, the continual sonic and visual assault is ended by the camera’s memory card being unwittingly cracked by an angry cameraman smashed his head into the back of the camera.

Who played who in this movie? Due to the discovery of this film file in a 2-year-old pile of trash and the amateur nature of the film, no metadata was recovered and there was no credits list. However, advanced facial recognition technology identified Donald Trump, Billie Eilish, Carly Rae Jepsen and Cardi B’s child in the film, playing the respective roles of Bystanders 1, 2, 3, and 4. The other extras appeared to be styrofoam cutouts.

The film has little plot and thus even less to analysis. It seems to be a shot by shot parody, largely filmed is some chic living room with too many dead plants with actors actively reading off sheets of script. Interestingly, the carpetbaggers are people who sell overpriced salted basketballs and play little to no role in the plot, unlike the actual movie, where carpetbaggers were portrayed as one of the main antagonists.

Fun trivia!
“Quicken Loans Stadium”, which is the name of an important setting in the film, is a homonym for the Ancient Greek word Quikens Lones Stadyme”, (çø© ˆß ©øø∂) which means “Stupid.” Why the author desired to name a significant location after “Stupid” in an archaic language is unknown.

Overall, thanks to this film I can no longer rest my eyes on amateur parodies, even when they discuss Carly Rae Jepsen and historical parodies of sports teams. Overall, I give this film a 5 out of 50 stars.

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  1. LOL! ? This is great! I love basketball and this was awesome!

  2. Great job on this article Aaron! ?

  3. LOL this is a much better version of Gone with the Wind