Last week, Russian Olympic surfer Düll Finn nearly drowned in his high-powered surf-simulating jacuzzi as he was training for the upcoming 2020 Summer Olympics. The police immediately investigated Whirlpool, the manufacturer of the jacuzzi, but their findings caused an uproar throughout the Olympic community. In reality, Finn’s primary opponent, Albert Einstein, was found to have attempted sabotage on the jacuzzi—using gravity waves. Einstein has been detained and was recently tried in court. However, the trial raised more questions than it answered:
[Attorney]: Mr. Einstein, firstly, do you admit that you tampered with Mr. Finn’s jacuzzi in the hopes that it would emit gravity waves rather than ocean waves?
[Einstein, in a slow and heavy German accent]: Weeell, I suppose I did, but—
[Attorney]: And was that because you wanted to eliminate your surfing competition for the 2020 Summer Olympics?
[Einstein]: The 2020 Olympics? I’m only an amateur surfer! Anyways, that’s a long way off. I have serious doubts that I would live that long.
An awkward silence ensues.
[Attorney]: Considering that the 2020 Olympics are roughly eleven months away and quickly approaching at 86,400 seconds each day, it’s relatively near. Of course you’d live that long! Long enough to compete in the Olympics and win gold in surfing! I think the evidence is quite compelling.
[Einstein]: Wait. So I’m in the future?!
Another awkward silence.
[Judge]: No, you’re in the present.
[Einstein, excitedly]: But if this is the future, then my present is your past!
[Judge]: That doesn’t make sense….
[Einstein]: You’re right… My past must be your past!
[Attorney]: Well that goes without saying.
A maniacal laugh comes from the darkest corner of the room. A second Einstein emerges.
[Einstein #2]: Ja, Einstein, you are from the past… und so am I.
[Einstein #1]: Then time traveling really did work! I thought I was in the present this entire time!
[Judge]: I think you are, unless I’m in the past.
[Attorney]: Why would you be in the past?
[Einstein #1]: But if this is your present and my future, then… *eyes widen* I need to turn off my stove.
[Einstein #2]: Stop being annoying, Einstein.
[Einstein #1]: If time travel does work, that means the coefficient of x2 must be greater than or equal to…
[Attorney]: So why exactly did you come from the past, Einstein?
[Einstein #2]: Which one?
[Einstein #1]: …which means that E actually doesn’t equal mc2!
[Attorney]: The maniacal one.
[Einstein #2]: *Annoyed glare* You can call me Zweistein. But to answer your question, I came to return Einstein to normal time. I’m him from his future.
[Attorney]: Why can’t he return on his own?
[Zweistein]: Because his surf-simulating jacuzzi time machine broke.
[Judge]: So the gravity waves were meant for time travel?
[Einstein]: …and the space-time continuum is about to collapse!
Everyone looks at Einstein, wide-eyed, and then starts screaming as if the world is about to end.
[Judge]: *Stops screaming* Wait, what does that even mean?
[Einstein]: Nothing really of any importance.
Everyone stops screaming.
[Judge]: Back to my question, maniacal Einstein…
[Zweistein]: The name’s Zweistein. Well, the gravity waves were part of it.
[Judge]: And the other part?
Scott Lang appears out of the dark corner behind Zweistein.
[Lang]: Hey guys!
[Attorney]: Sorry… who are you?
[Lang]: *Offended scoff* I’m Ant-Man, of course.
[Attorney]: *Confused look* The dots aren’t connecting…
[Lang]: They never connect.
[Zweistein]: That’s beside the point. We’re using Lang to travel through the quantum realm.
[Judge]: So you’re using a combination of the jacuzzi gravity waves and the quantum realm to travel through time?
[Zweistein]: Exactly. And that is why Mr. Finn got injured—because he was using the time machine jacuzzi that we made decades ago while we were time traveling.
[Attorney]: Suuuuure, why don’t you throw in some wormholes to make it more interesting. Even if what you say is true, it doesn’t prove your innocence.
[Zweistein]: I don’t need to. Hurry it up, Einstein, I still need to turn off my stove and restore the space-time continuum. My gas bill is going to be so high.