Disclaimer: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and clay magazine. It may not be used, viewed, printed, reprinted, re-reprinted, shown to one’s doppelgangers, or re-re-reprinted without the expressed consent of Jake Moore and clay magazine. But let’s be honest for a second. None of you are really going to listen to me anyway, so why am I even writing this disclaimer? You might as well just break the rules. I don’t care. Let’s get to the good stuff.
Jake Prime: Greetings once again, earthlings (and those from other planets)! We have once again reached the point where the school year ends and you all must survive without receiving your monthly dose of hilarity from yours truly. Thus, as always, I wish to go out with a bang.
Jake Prime: (Jumps) I didn’t mean a literal bang, 57.
Jake 57: Sorry. I was thinking about that cloud that looks like a teenage bison, then I heard “bang”, so…
Jake Prime: Uh huh. Gotcha. Anyway, where was I?
Jake 2: I do believe you’re forgetting
You were starting at the beginning.
Jake Prime: And where in the beginning was I?
Jake 23: You were about to introduce us.
Jake Prime: Ah, that’s it! Thanks. Nice super-suit by the way.
Jake 23: Thanks. Honestly, I like the color combo much better than the old one.
Jake 57: I wanna super-suit!
Jake Prime: Alright, everybody settle down! I need to finish the opening monologue.
Jake 16: Oh! Oh! Can I do it? Pleeeeease?
Jake Prime: (After giving it a moment’s thought) Ok, I guess it’d be alright.
Jake 16: YAASS! (Clears throat) ahem… Ladies and Gentlebugs… wait a minute…
Jake Prime: Close enough.
Jake 16: Ok. I give you the Jake Squad!
Jake 23: Wait, is that what we’re calling ourselves?
Jake 16: I kinda made it up on the spot.
Jake Prime: I liked it… sorta.
Jake 2: I think it could be more poetic
And this meeting could be less hectic.
Jake 57: What if we called ourselves the… the, uh… ah, I had an idea, but I can’t remember it now…
Disembodied Voice: (Not whispering) Y’all could call yourselves Weirdos.
Jake 16: Who said that?
Jake Prime: Oh yeah, that’s Jake 48.
Intruder: (Appearing out of thin air) WHAT?! How did you discover my identity??
Jake Prime: You dropped your driver’s permit last time you were here.
Baby Groot: (riding on ceiling fan) I AM GROOOOOOOOT!!
Jake Prime: (Jumps again) How’d Groot get in here?!?
Jake 48 (The evil one, in case you’re having trouble following): I let him in. It was all part of my master plan.
Jake 23: And what master plan would that be, imposter?
Jake Prime: Technically, you all are imposters.
Jake 48: My master plan to completely destroy this very office! Notice, for instance, the two minions behind our poetic friend over there.
Kevin: (Digging into Jake 2’s backpack): OO! Banana!
Dave: (Grabs duct tape off desk and hides it behind his back with a devious grin on his face)
Jake 48: Note, as well, that Jack-Jack has now floated into the room.
Jake 2: What do you think he’s up to, Prime? I… Hey, gimme my banana, you little yellow plunderer!
Jake Prime: You’re not rhyming.
Jake 2: I never rhyme when someone’s stealing my lunch.
Jake 23: He’s brought the most destructive characters you’ve interviewed into your office!
Jake 48: Great minds think alike. And yes, I kind of just double complimented myself.
Jake Prime: (Eyes lighting up) But that’s where you’re wrong! Because if we really thought so much alike, you’d have predicted that I’d bring my speakers to the office today to celebrate the start of summer break!
Jake 48: (Slightly concerned, but feigning confidence) Please, elaborate.
Jake Prime: Hey Groot! Kevin! Dave! Jack-Jack!
(Four small heads turn towards the voice)
Jake Prime: (Starting music) DANCE PARTY!!
Groot: I am Groot! (Starts dancing)
Kevin: Blokaybaboy! Haha! (begins moonwalking)
(Beep! Beep! Beep!)
Jake Prime: (Glares at Jake 48)
Jake 48: I swear that wasn’t me!
Jake 16: Then I guess that means wrap-up time, huh?
Jake Prime: Exactly. Say goodbye, everyone.
Jake 2: Farewell, Farewell. Parting is such swee…
Jake 57: BYEEEE!!
Jake 2: You interrupted my Shakespeare quote.
Jake 16: Bye everybody! Until next time…
Jake Prime: That’s my line!
Jake 16: Sorry.
Jake 23: See you later, folks!
Jake 48: (taps Jake Prime on the shoulder)
Jake Prime: Yeah?
Jake 48: Can I say goodbye too?
Jake Prime: Sure!
Jake 48: (Clears throat) Ahem… YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF ME!
Jake Prime: Not exactly what I was expecting, but I’ll take it. That’s a wrap, peeps. Until next year, “Stay safe you kids!”